Depressed and Anxious

These past few days have really been a trial for me. I am so sad over Hannah's failing health. But mostly I am depressed about my non-relationship with Sabrina. We have our meeting with John tomorrow. We actually had a decent text conversation tonight. Apparently she had a great job interview today. I pray she gets the job. I knows she really hates her current job.

I really need to call Dr. S. I do worry about hurting myself. My self worth is so low, and I am really afraid that if Sabrina and I can't work things out, I will not be able to recover. I haven't been this depressed ever. I don't clean or even bother to pick up anything. I don't even keep myself clean. I can't even make myself get out of the house to do things I like to do. I know I need help.

Allah, please help me!

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A Movie And A Snub

I took the girls to the movies tonight
We saw "Easy A," and it was a great movie. It did spark conversation amongst us about STDs and about high school in general. The girls love high school and love Pep Squad. They have made friends, and, I didn't realize this, but they get credit for it as an elective. They both auditioned for a special dance routine and they were both accepted and performed the routine at their Pep Rally this past week.

I asked them if there were any boys they liked. Jackie said "no," but Cassie has 2 boys she is interested in from her classes. One--Adam, I think--even knows she exists. So cute.

Now for the snub. Even though Sabrina was home when I picked the girls up and when I brought them home, but she did not come downstairs to say "hi" either time. How else am I to take that? I don't believe that she really wants to have a relationship with me. Really, I don't. And it hurts like Hell.

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Jury Duty and Allergies

Yesterday I had jury duty at JP #2. We were dismissed by 10:30 a.m. No cases to try.

Today was another bad allergy day. Migraine and PAIN! Took so much meds. Tomorrow is our Reading Circle. Then I plan to take the girls to the movies. We are going to see "Easy A." It got good reviews.

I did read a little too today in my Sister Fidelma book. It is quite a complicated plot.

I hope the Reading Circle and book are good.

I'm awfully tired tonight. Going to bed early. So sad about Hannah

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What A Wasted Day!

Where did this day go? What a waste! I just camped out on the couch and played trivia games, because my allergies are still bad. I did read a couple of chapters in my Sister Fidelma book. I loaded too many things onto my phone.

I should have written some of my book. Last night I drafted an outline for a book about my journey toward Islam. John had once mentioned that maybe I should try my hand at writing. I wondered, "What would I write about?" and then I remembered someone once said to write about what you know. I don't think that I have the imagination to come up with a novel. So maybe someone might be interested in how a woman born into a Catholic family in a small upstate New York city became a Muslima. But I only have an outline at this point.

Allergies were so bad again that I couldn't even make it to OASIS for my play-reading class. How disappointing. Tomorrow I HAVE to go out to jury duty.

Hannah was very quiet today. Still drinking water only, not eating. She was in bed last night already when I went to bed.

I would like to go to the Masjid tonight for Salaat, but I will more than likely not get my act together to go.

Joanne sent me a new photo of Evalynn. She is growing quickly. I forwarded it to Sabrina and the girls. I also posted it on Facebook.

I need to eat something.

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Two Nasty Days in a Row

Allergies have been TERRIBLE for the past 2 days. Molds have been outrageously high, and so has ragweed. But at least today was better than yesterday. I thank God for small favors.

I had planned to call Morgan this morning and get my nails done, but as I was checking my emails on my phone, I got an aura. Rats! So I took a Maxalt right away. Good thing; it helped hold off the really bad pain. So I spent most of the day lying on the couch, and I also read the Qur'an. I need to get back to studying Islam online; I got an email from them today asking what happened to me. The Islamic Center has Islam 101 class tonight, but I'm not going.

Today is Play Reading class: I can hardly wait! I missed the 1st class on the American Musical yesterday because I felt so terrible.

Hannah has been rather quiet today. She's drinking a lot of water, but not eating. Even her cry is starting to sound weak. I feel so bad. I guess I will call the vet on Monday.

Friday I have jury duty at the JP--again. Seems like I was just there, but at least it's not downtown. And maybe I won't be selected for a jury this time.

It's been raining hard off and on all day. And it's supposed to stay like this for several more days. Good for the crops, I guess.

Haven't heard from Sabrina since Monday. I did make some notes about our contacts lately. I don't see John until next Tuesday, unfortunately.

Guess I should make something to eat. I've got hot dogs and turkey, and short ribs, too, but I need to buy a dish to bake them in. I could get a free pizza; I have enough points, but I'd like to stay away from gluten. What to do?

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I Feel So Sad

I took Ernie to the groomer this morning and he looks great. But I bought some canned food for Hannah, in hopes that she would eat. But she hasn't touched it. She has a weak, pained cry. She stumbled on the stair this morning when she caught her claw on the rug. I know she is not well and I am so sad. Wednesday I will call the vet. I'll have money then. But she may not come home. It's hard to go through this with no one to talk to.

I sort of went a little nuts last night, thinking about my ill-treatment and disrespect by Sabrina. I feel so bad that she hasn't called me. I even feel angry with the girls, who don't call except when they want me to do something like drive them around.

I was so angry, that I wished I were dead so maybe Sabrina and the girls would be sorry for the way they treated me. I know that is crazy behavior. But I am so sick of being disrespected and then asked to help with something. No one cares if I don't feel well or if I'm lying dead somewhere. I am SO depressed. My house is a disaster. How am I going to survive this rejection?

I feel so alone and so sad. I don't know what to do.

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Sinus Problems and The Ungrateful Bitch

I have discovered why I have not felt well all week. When I was praying this morning, I could feel the sinus pain when I bowed and prostrated. Then I had terrible pain in the bones under both my eyes, right on the cheekbones. I guess that I have a sinus infection. Rats. So I will have to call the doctor tomorrow after I take Ernie to the groomer.

It was raining all day, so I didn't go to the Eid Festival. I had sent Sabrina an email inviting her and the girls, but never heard back. She has not contacted me since a week ago Saturday except to ask when our appointment with John was, and then to say "ok" when I rescheduled the appointment. So all is NOT well between us. I really almost wish I were dead. That is the only way she will really understand that she only has 1 mother, and her husband is a bastard to intimidate her into not having contact with her mother. We definitely have to talk to John. I have decided that I am NOT going to be servant, chauffeur, whatever, simply because she was nice enough to call me once in a month. She has still not apologized for throwing me out of her house, nor thanked me for house-sitting for her or carting her kids around. Also that bastard she married was quick to cash my check, but has never replied to my email nor thanked me. Yes, I am mad as hell. I am sick and tired of being used and abused, and taken advantage of. I feel like she can REALLY do without me, if that's what she wants. She can't "throw me a bone" with 1 phone call during which she complained the entire time about her job. I AM DONE, you ungrateful bitch!

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Why Am I Still So Depressed?

I am still depressed and anxious. Not as bad as yesterday or the day before, but still had IBS this morning and headache (rebound from the hydrocodone?). I have not had a call from Sabrina in a week. She didn't even call on Thursday when I rescheduled our appointment with John because I felt awful. I would have hoped that she would have called to see how I was feeling, but she's just not that type of daughter. She and I are so distant. I wonder how she really reacted to John's diagram of her belonging to 2 families. I don't think she sees it that way. I think she believes 1 family and that is her nuclear family. She really doesn't care about extended family, even immediate extended family. No, that's not entirely true. She cares about her half-sister and keeps in touch with her father, but she comes to me when she is in trouble or needs help. But unless I'm needed, I might as well be living on the moon. I'm not on her radar. It was true before Clint came along.

The summer I moved down here from Austin and stayed for a bit at her house, it was fine that I house-sat while she went away for a week, but when she starting going out with Kris, she wanted me out immediately. It wasn't as if I was in her way. I stayed in Cassie's room when she came home from work and bought food, and cleaned. I think she wanted Kris to stay over and didn't want me there. She HAS to have a man! Bottom line. That's her priority.

And on it goes. I am apparently just waiting for her to call and help her with something. But help me? Heaven forbid! When I first moved in here at Providence, she was going to come over and help me unpack and get my house set up a couple times a week. But she met Clint and has NEVER come over to help, even when I asked for help in moving some furniture, she had never come. Now it's been 3 years, and my house is a filthy, cluttered mess, and I wish I had the energy and motivation to clean it up, but I don't. The girls would help (for pay, since they get no allowance), but I'm embarrassed by the condition of my place and live in fear that management will find out how bad it is and evict me. As a Muslim, I should be keeping everything very clean, especially with a dog that I technically shouldn't have as a Muslim, but I never feel good and never have energy nor motivation to clean. (Also it's difficult, but I can NOT let Ernie go. Sort of like how Catholics all practice birth control but shouldn't.) I looked at my place yesterday and realized I can barely walk in here, to say nothing of the animal hair everywhere. And I am sad and depressed over Hannah, whom I know is slowly dying. If I take her to the vet, it will cost a fortune and I know they can't help her really anyway. She has lost so much weight and isn't eating. So sad. She is 17 1/2 years old and lived a good life. I can't fight her to give her meds every day for the rest of the time she has left. I just want to love her until it's time for her to go across the Rainbow Bridge.

So I'm sad and depressed and anxious. I don't feel well, and miss my daughter. I wish she missed me.

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A "Sick Day"

I feel awful today. I was unbelievably tired this morning, even though I went to bed relatively early last night. Ernie slept with me on the bed all night. I think he was still groggy from the anesthesia. I was able to carry him out to pee before bed. Then we both crashed.

On the way home from the vet yesterday, I had a nasty headache, which I thought was because I hadn't eaten much. We stopped at McDonald's and got some food on the way home, and I also ate some apple pie.

I had an awful time getting up this morning. When I woke up and took my meds, I crawled back into bed (for just a few minutes, I thought), but it was close to 8 a.m. when I woke again. Later this morning, I started with a sick stomach and a headache again. I've taken Frova and Pepto-Bismal, but I still feel awful. Even worse, I had to reschedule Sabrina and my appointment with John until the 30th. Rats. I haven't seen her in nearly 4 weeks. I miss her.

I also missed my tutor refresher course at OASIS. I was looking forward to that. The Rhodes tutor breakfast is tomorrow. I hope I feel well enough for that.

I got an email notice from my bank that I was overdrawn. So I quickly transferred money this morning. I didn't realize that my old renter's insurance company had dented my account, so I called and cancelled that policy. I was able to get a policy with GEICO for double the insurance for less than half the cost.
Ernie is still not feeling great. He took his antibiotics last night and ate some yogurt and a cookie. He didn't want his cookie until this afternoon. I gave him some yogurt around noon, but haven't given him the antibiotics. I'll try a little later. He's been sleeping most of the day.

I know something is wrong with Hannah. She's not eating and has lost a lot of weight. She is drinking a lot, though. Probably she has diabetes like Tilda Lou. I feel sad. Maybe I will see if she will eat moist food. I'll get some tomorrow.

I just wish Sabrina would talk more to me and wish I could see her.

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A Difficult Day, So Far

Well, it has not been a good day thus far. I got a call from the vet around 10:30. Ernie was under anesthesia, and she cleaning his teeth when she discovered that he has a fractured jaw! Good grief! She said that this is not uncommon among these small breeds because their front bone in their jaws is very thin. He also has several teeth that need to be extracted, but she wasn't sure she would take them out now since it might destabilize the jaw. She was going to take X-rays and consult with a vet dentist. They may have to fix it with wire, or they may do nothing. I am in shock. I am upset. Poor Ernie. What will happen?

Then I went to my appointment with John. He went over what he and Sabrina had discussed. He did tell her that she needed to tolerate my dress, unless my wearing something at school upset the girls. And now for the upsetting part. He feels that I should understand that I probably should not be around Clint. If I want to see Sabrina and/or the girls, I should arrange to go to the house when he isn't home. Sabrina felt that many "surprises" were thrust upon them when they got home from vacation: Pako in quarantine, my being bit; they (Clint and Sabrina) felt I had caused chaos. John thinks I should not try to contact Clint at all, but he does want to mention to Sabrina that I had messaged Clint and "apologized," but he never responded to me. I feel upset, because I really don't know what I have done that made him detest me so, but apparently he does. I am such a "people-pleaser" that it upsets me that apparently I annoy others and that my son-in-law hates me. John is concerned that the girls are seeing this (and hearing disparaging comments from him--I make it a point to never criticize him to them).

So now I'm dreading our appointment tomorrow. I really don't want to hear bad things about me. I am also afraid that my lack of contact with Sabrina will continue, since he wants her around when he wants her, which is all the time.

On the way home from dropping Ernie off, Cassie called and they want me to pick them up early, because they want to go get something to eat. OK.

I guess I should call the vet and see how Ernie is doing.

What a day!

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Anxiety and Ernie's Teeth, Among Other Anxieties

Tomorrow is teeth-cleaning day for Ernie, and I am quite anxious. It was a little over 8 years ago that my darling Schnauzer Allie died suddenly during a routine teeth-cleaning procedure. I know that this is a very rare occurrence, this is not the same vet, Ernie is a little younger than Allie was, and the chances of something terrible happening is very slim, but I know bad things can happen. Therefore, I am nervous. I think about Allie's death even when I'm giving Ernie his antibiotics to combat any infection that may occur. It's good that Ernie has no idea of what's coming. He'll be upset when I leave him at the vet tomorrow morning, but he will not be awake very long, because they do surgeries first thing, before regular appointments begin.

I also see John tomorrow before Sabrina and I see him on Thursday. (I swear that she never listens to me. She texted me this afternoon and thought our appointment was tomorrow.) There is so much I need to ask him about: the Eid Festival, the program explaining that Islam is a religion of peace, the loan repayment reminder, spending time with Sabrina (did John talk to her about that during his session with her last week?), etc. Plus I haven't felt well today; I had a slight fever today. Hope I'm okay tomorrow. I was going to try to get my nails done, but then I decided against it because I didn't want to rush.

Jackie called last night and the girls want to go to a volleyball game tomorrow after school. So I guess things are getting back to "normal," whatever "normal" is in my relationship with Sabrina. I have always told her that I don't mind driving the girls for her. I understand how difficult it is to be a working mom. But I really do want to be treated with respect by her. She has no control over Clint and how he feels about me, but she can respect me as her mother and not bully me or demand I be or do with my life what she wants. She certainly can ASK Clint to show me some respect, if our paths cross. Those are some of the things I want to talk to her about with John. I'm VERY glad she finally called me, but she really does owe me an apology,and a thank-you, though I'm not going to push it.

I did not get to Tai Chi yesterday nor to Geneology On-Line today. But I really need to get to the OASIS Tutor Refresher course on Thursday. I also want to get to the Islam 101 class tomorrow night (if it is on) and Salaat and Dual Komeyl on Thursday night. Then Rhodes is having their Volunteer Breakfast Friday morning and then I need to go to Juma' and the Friday evening program at the Masjid. I suppose that it is good to be busy and have things to do, but it's my nature as a rather reclusive person to be a bit nervous, anxious, and pressured when I have so much scheduled. I wish I weren't this way, but I am.

I also HAVE TO install that printer that has been sitting in my house since the Spring, and try to figure out Skype so that I can see and talk to Palwasha. Those things make me nervous, too. I always anticipate things will go well, but there is always a glitch.

Well, I need to eat, pray, and sleep. I had a terrible time getting up this morning. Maybe because I wasn't feeling well. I hope things go better tomorrow morning, since we have to leave to go to the vet by 7 a.m., InshAllah.

That's where I am right now.

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Grandparents' Day

Yesterday I had lunch with my granddaughters at Red Lobster, their favorite restaurant. They wished me a happy Grandparents' Day; I didn't know there was such a thing. We ordered so much food! Jackie said we were making up for lost time, since we hadn't been able to see each other for 4-5 weeks. I was not able to see them after I got thrown out of their house because of the crazy dog-bite/quarantine incident. And I hadn't seen them for over a week prior since they were on the cruise.

It was so nice to hear them tell me their impressions of high school. They certainly like high school better than middle school. Middle school is truly hell on earth. They love being on the Silverbelles, the Pep Squad. They performed for the first time Saturday night at the football game. They really take their commitment to the Silverbelles seriously. They were very critical of the girls who chatted and didn't pay attention during the game, and those who didn't stand properly on the field while they were waiting to begin. They really take their positions on the squad seriously.

I stayed at the house for a while when I took them home. (Sabrina and Clint were still out eating somewhere; they wouldn't tell the girls where when they asked--odd.) So we talked about the music they like. Jackie "discovered" Arrowsmith, and Cassie likes Motown because she can make up little dances to songs like "Mr. Postman" and "Dancin' in the Street." So funny how they like "the Oldies." Cassie's dances were really cute. And rocker Jackie played me her favorite Arrowsmith songs. It was a great visit.

I had missed them so much. Being with them always cheers me. It was a fabulous Grandparents' Day.

They want to earn money, so I told them that they can help me for pay around my apartment: taking out the trash, maybe vacuuming, etc. They were happy about that. Apparently they no longer get an allowance, and Clint and Sabrina both "borrow" money from them! So they say. Odd.

Anyway, I am one happy Nana. :-)

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My Best Eid Gift

Yesterday morning I really received the best Eid gift I could have ever hoped to really received: a phone call from my daughter. She sounded a bit tentative at first, as if she were worried about what I would say. But I kept to kindness and the happiness I felt. I know it was not easy for her to make that call.

I had last called her Friday night and asked her to PLEASE call: life is too short for us to be estranged. We made a little small-talk, and she then talked at length about problems at work. I listened and sympathized because I know she is good at her job and she works in a very high-pressure situation. Her boss is very demanding and picky. She is criticized for ridulous things, even when she is following his directives. I hope she looks for another job where she will be better appreciated.

She has been taking the girls to Marshall HS to catch their bus, but plans to complain to the district. because the bus is always late, and they are always late for school. She usually picks them up after school, since they have practice for Pep Squad every day. On Friday morning, the local Fox TV channel's weatherman was at Holmes for their pep rally. I saw a little of it, but then left at 7:45 a.m. for Eid prayers. But Sabrina said they taped it all, so I hope they will let me come over to watch and see them. Sabrina said that they do their dances well and enjoy the Pep Squad.

We did not speak about what happened 3 weeks ago, except I said that I had heard from Cassie that the vet had cut Pako's nails while he was in quarantine. Indeed they had and this surprised Sabrina because the last time he was there, they couldn't get the muzzle on him so they could clip them. That was the only reference to the incident. I was a little disappointed that she did not apologize, but that's okay for now. I asked if Clint had gotten his graduation card (although I knew he had, since he had cashed the check the next day). She replied that he had. No thank you, however. She did thank me for her birthday gift. I also told her that I needed, for legal reasons, to remind them that they hadn't made a payment on their loan since June. She said that she had reminded Clint, but she would remind him again. No excuses; that was good. But I will have to send an email Monday week if there is no payment by the weekend. I know I need a paper trail.

We both had lost power last night, just for 5 minutes or so. (But to confirm how such small things set him off into an angry tirade,) she said that he came very angry, saying that they were going to a hotel. (Apparently, he had some work to do.) But the smallest thing sets him off. I doubt that he really listens to her problems from work, and so I want to be there for her to vent her frustrations.

I asked if she and the girls would like to go to brunch this weekend, but she said they had housework to do on Saturday, and then the girls had to go to the football game Saturday night (Holmes won against O'Connor, so they are still the only NISD high school football team still undefeated:close score; must have been a good game). Then on Sunday, she said, they (I assume, she and Clint) had "a shop" to do. Maybe next weekend, she said. I told her that was fine, that the Masjid was having a picnic but it hadn't been decided whether Saturday or Sunday, or where (it is today at Canyon Lake).

So I did thank Allah after salaat for the answer to my prayers. I know we are on a long journey to reconnect. On Thursday, we will see John. I will try to "kill her with kindness," but I also know that she can no longer bully me and demand how I live my life. And as I told Allah in my prayers last night, I am so happy that my daughter is speaking to me again, but when it comes to whom to please, I still choose Allah.

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Where Did Hermine Come From?!

We have had one of the worst tropical storms ever today. Torrential downpours all day. Over 3 inches of rain already and it's not over yet, so say the meterorolgists. More rain is predicted for tomorrow. But I like the rain. I would rather it rain than be hot and sunny. Maybe it's my depression that makes me love the rain so. I read the Qur'an all day. I even volunteered to read a Sura for the Valley Green Masjid for their Qur'an reading.
While I was reading, I read today Sura Noor (Light). This is the Sura that talks about modest dress and hijab. I plan to take the Qur'an with me when I see John, to show him why this is so important to me. I really want him to understand that this is not just an arbitrary thing with me. If I really want to follow God's teachings, then I should follow all of it, no matter what my daughter wants. (That part is in there, too.) I guess God was confirming for me what I already knew.

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Two Weeks Plus--Still An Outcast

It was two weeks yesterday since I was unceremoniously ejected from the Hahn-McNally house, and 10 days since I've spoken to Sabrina. That's when she called after her appointment with John to tell me that he wanted to see both of us together. She was crying, but said she didn't want to talk about it and hung up. I made the appointment last Monday and texted, emailed, and messaged her on FaceBook about the date and time (this Thursday at 6:15 p.m.) but she never acknowledged any of them.

She finally picked up her ecard for her birthday and another ecard I sent over the weekend to tell her I love her and miss her. I texted her and left her 2 voicemails, as well. No response. I just can't believe this is still going on.

I did get to talk to the girls yesterday. That made me so happy. Cassie had responded to a text on Saturday and also today, but she didn't answer her phone today.

I know I'm not nuts, because. no fewer than 12 friends and relatives have been shocked by this when I posted how I was feeling on FaceBook. Cousin John called last night and also was completely shocked by this situation. It is crazy. I get bitten by their dog while housesitting for 9 days, get a terrible infection, and get thrown out of their house by my daughter because her idiot husband told her to make me leave. Clint's anger was totally out of all proportion to the situation. I did them a favor, got hurt, and they hate ME! It's insane.

I am seeing John on Wednesday before our Thursday appointment. Sabrina and John may want to talk about my practice of Islam, but what about this angry, controlling man who is keeping me from my family? What about my daughter wanting me to lie and end up getting rabies shots? What about NO ONE asking how I was or even saying "thank you"?

John thinks I should compromise about my clothes and not talk about my religion. I have to get him to understand that I HAVE done that already. It apparently didn't appease Sabrina. I am not doing it anymore. My daughter, who is not religious, should not demand and dictate to me, her mother, what I can and cannot wear, for pity's sake! And there are 2 major issues here--my dress and more importantly, Clint's behavior toward me and Sabrina's acceptance and carrying out his "orders." He is one sick puppy.

Saturday I was horribly depressed. Suicidal, AND homicidal! I really wanted Clint dead. I was not feeling well, so that aggravated the feelings. But I should probably tell John about it. I may have to see Dr. S. if things don't improve. John seems to think we can have 2 families: 1 with Clint, without me, and another with me, without Clint. But I've tried to suggest that, too, but Sabrina is afraid to be without a man. And I doubt that Clint would allow it. WHY DOES HE HATE ME SO MUCH???

I don't know how this will turn out. I do not hold out much hope. But I also know that he is going to wreak havoc with her mind and life, and then leave her. I don't doubt it for a minute. It is so sad.

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