Dreams About Nazi Germany

My dreams have been so strange of late. They involve me being a Jew in Europe and people I know as Nazis. But also in these dreams are my grandmother and my Uncle Don and his long-time friend Andy. I was giving a birthday gift to Uncle Don. But things kept getting lost, and the trains were involved. It was just all messed up and I kept trying to put things right. So strange, so vivid. I remember that both Uncle Don and Andy were young (30ish) and had their shirts off. They were wearing black pants. It was Uncle Don's birthday and my grandmother was making things nice. But I kept losing my gift. The trains were in the periphery. What strange dreams!

Dreams of the Night

I had 2 dreams last night. The first one I remember is being with Curt in New York. It involved traveling on the subway. It was like reliving experiences I actually lived through. There was another dream just before I awoke, but now I can't remember it. That's why I quickly wrote this, so I would remember. But I guess not. Maybe it will come back later.

Good Things, Not So Good Things

Yesterday was a mixed day for me. First, I went to see Bart to have money put into my checking account so that I can pay bills, buy Christmas gifts, and pay for my trip to NYS. I really hated to take out the money, but there really was no other option at this point.

Then I decided to go and have my piercings done. It was a good experience. I had my nose pierced, the tops of both ears, and another hole in my right ear. It was not really painful and I had a nice chat with the owner about small businesses and about Islam. He didn't know much about Islam and.was happy that I answered his questions. And I am happy to have the piercings done.

Before my appointment with the kidney specialist, I stopped at Office Depot to get a form for a will and Christmas computer paper and cards. Then I popped over to Sun Harvest to get sea salt for cleaning my piercings; then it was on to the doctor.

A very interesting thing happened at the doctor's office. The medical assistance who was taking my vital statistics and checking my medications then asked me about my dress (my tunic and head scarf). She asked if it was religious. I said yes, that I was Muslim. Then she said that she had been reading the Qur'an and was thinking of converting. She asked about mosques in the city. I answered her questions and gave her some information about programs at the mosques. She put me in a room to wait for an examination room to open up. So while I was in there waiting, I wrote down the information about the programs at the Islamic Center and Imam Medhi Masjid. After a while, another medical assistant moved me to the examination room, and on the way, I saw the female medical assistant working on a computer in a nearby room. After I was put into the examination room, I slipped out and gave the medical assistant the written information about the programs. I encouraged her to check them out on the websites. She said "thank you" and seemed very appreciative of the information. I think this was not a coincidence. With Allah there are no coincidences.

The not so good news was that my creatin levels were slightly elevated as were my phosphorus levels. I cannot have dark soda nor milk products. No cheese, yogurt, milk, ice cream, etc. So the doctor needs to see me in about 3 months to check things again. And the visit lasted a long time so I didn't get to Islam 101 class.

So I was so tired that I just dropped off a prescription and did some shopping at CVS, and then went home without getting the girls' notes to their father. I hope to go over and pick them up tonight, but I may not even make that.

I still feel tired today, but I was able to work on my book (various sections) and did a lot of language work. So both days have been quite mixed. "You're up and you're down..."

A Welcome Phone Call

I received a phone call from Sabrina last evening. She was at the airport waiting for her flight to Las Vegas. She is going out for DJames's 1st birthday, which is on Friday. Rachel is picking her up and she will stay with Rachel until Thursday. Then her dad comes back from SC, and she wants to take DJames and stay with him overnight, returning to Rachel's on Friday Then she flies back on Saturday.

It will do her good to get away, I think. Clinton has been complaining about how expensive the Silverbelles are. Tonight they have more pictures. They were selling candles, but no one asked me to buy any. I tried to tell Sabrina that I will certainly buy whatever they have to sell. That's what grandparents are for! I also thought that I would text her today and suggest that the girls work for me one day a week cleaning my house. That way they can earn some money to help pay for Silverbelles. They have made friends and love it. They are physically fit. Both, especially Jackie, have lost a ton of weight. Clint threatens that if they bring home a "C," he will make them quit. Jerk. I'll bet HE got a number of Cs in school.

Sabrina says she still feels exhausted. She thinks it is the Pristque and she doesn't feel less anxious, nor is her OCD under control. She has been looking for a psychiatrist, but people are not taking new patients. I told her to talk to John about getting her in with Dr. S. She may not be taking new patients, but he could probably get her in. Maybe Xanax or Klonopin would help her, or some other med. She is going to see John by herself on Monday. He called her yesterday. That will be good; maybe she will be able to open up about her issues with that insufferable jerk of a husband. I told John about how his parents wrecked their car and took off for Saudi Arabia without telling them or offering to pay for repairs. John says that she needs to see that HE is the cause of her anxiety, not me.

I will see John Thursday week, before I go to NYS. Sabrina did get my email about my holiday plans. So that should relieve some of her anxiety about the holidays.

Thank you, God, that things are working out better. I am so grateful she called.

Tonight I will pick up the girls' notes for their dad after Islam 101 class, then mail the package on Friday. I hope I can get my piercing done before my doctor appt.

I asked Sabrina what the girls want for their birthday and Christmas. They have lists, so I will also ask them, then run it by Sabrina.

Please, God, protect Sabrina on her trip. Help the girls to survive their week with Clint.

More Dreams

I only remember part of one dream last night. The part I remember was Ernie grabbing the carrot toy from Hannah and running off with it. So maybe I should take his carrot to the pet resort. I was thinking thatI should also buy him a ball to take with him, maybe one you can put cookies in. He would have fun with that, I think. Maybe I'll get them tomorrow between my hair and Dr. Pergola appointment.

Today I will get my piercings after seeing Bart. After he gets upset, I may need a little pain to help me feel better. LOL

I thought I would tell Bart about the car and how I won't see any $$ from them for a bit as they pay for the car and Christmas. And that I want to see my brother who is not in great health. Which is true. I haven't seen him in over 2 years or more. I guess I saw him at Greg's wedding reception. I didn't see him when I went up for Katie's wedding.

I also got a lovely note from Marie Kupiec thanking me for the Mass card for Ruth. Ruth was 97 and she told Marie she was ready to go. I know Mike and Tom and Sandy saw Marie about 2 months ago. Maybe I can get Joanne to go visit with me. Marie and Pat saw each other at their doctor. She seemed so happy to hear from me. I would love to show her pics of the girls. Her grandchildren are much older--20s or 30s, I guess. And I think neither Dianne nor David live nearby. So even if Joanne doesn't want to go, I will. Marie said that she had a Station of the Cross dedicated in memory of the Samson and Kupiec families, so that the Samson name remains in the church (Kupiec, too). I think she said it was Station 11. That may be "Jesus' body is taken down from the cross." I have to look it up. Marie and Uncle Bob are the last one's of their generation left.

I will pick up the girls' notes to Chris tomorrow after Islam 101 class. Both give me a reason to go out, and I can practice "forcing" myself to get out. Then I can mail it and Brenda's birthday card on Friday after Juma'. Thursday is Veterans Day and there is no mail (or bank--why I need to get my $$ request in so I have it by Friday so I can pay bills).

Today I have to mail DJames's birthday card. I nearly forgot it, but got a nice 1st birthday card and sent a check to him. He is my step-grandchild. I got cards for Brenda and Sandy Dawson Fisher while I was out yesterday. Class's birthday was yesterday. Maybe I will try to call her tonight. I thought that she might be busy celebrating yesterday.

Well, time for Fajr. Still getting used to changed prayer times. Mid-day is the biggest adjustment, then evening are done so early, by 7 p.m. So off I go.

Still Waiting For...

I went to see both Dr. S and John today. Dr. S doubled my new med to see if it would help my sleeping. About my agorophia, she says I have to FORCE myself to go out. She also decided to increase my Klonopin to 1 mg 3 times a day. That should help my anxiety, she says. I certainly hope so.

I also tried to find a piercing shop and ended up at Essence Tatoo. They recommended Buddha Box near Evers and 410. So I will go there tomorrow after I see Bart. I may need some pain after asking for more money.

Tonight I talked to Cassie and told her that I will pick up their notes on Wednesday. Then I'll mail the package on Friday after Juma'. Maybe that will force me to go to Islam 101 on Wednesday night, and to Juma' on Friday. It's worth a try.

When I talked to John today, we talked about my disappointment about not seeing nor talking much to Sabrina after our "moment" last week. He thinks that I need to give her LOTS of space; it's the only way she will see that I am NOT the source of her anxiety. Clint is the main source of her anxiety, I believe. I make no apologies for my dislike of him. I find him arrogant, domineering, not very bright, extremely volatile, and generally not a nice person. I have a good reason: he told MY DAUGHTER to throw me out of HER house (which he thinks is his). I had helped them out. Then HIS parents borrow Sabrina's car for a month and basically wreck it, and hop a plane to Saudi Arabia before anyone can find out all the damage they did. The girls said Sabrina was angry. She should have been. The cheap people should have rented a car, or at least given Sabrina money to take care of what they did to the car. But I guess I will never know how Clint reacted. Dollars to donuts he would NOT have tossed HIS parents out of the house.

I hate having him feeding Sabrina the crap that I am the cause of her anxiety. I hate having to stay away from my daughter. I hate that she doesn't want to see or talk to me because he (maybe she) thinks I cause stress in her life. I hate that she uses me to do her chores by taking her children to appointments and never thanks me. She uses me then I should disappear until the next time she needs me (or my money). I HATE THIS. IT MAKES ME WANT TO CRY.

And so I think I will.

Submarine

Wacky dreams again. Now I'm in a submarine with the ER doctor from The Doctors show, the one who was in The Bachelor. But he is a submarine commander. We are going for a ride from the US across to France. Chris McNally is there as a sailor and the commander keeps telling him to stop playing with his chewing tobacco and sticking it on his nose. I am excited to be diving under the water in this submarine and wonder how he will know how to steer this thing across the Atlantic. He has also gone to the bank and given me a check to deposit. Now I can't find it. He turns into David Robinson and tells me it's okay. We will look for it later. Earlier in the dream, my mother and Sabrina were there, as well as the girls. My mother had filled out some forms about tuition for the girls and they were a bit fraudulent. Sabrina was in on this with my mother. Barrie Wellens, my boss from Harcourt, came to tell me that she knew the forms were incorrect, but she was not going to tell the authorities, but to make it right. Meanwhile, my sister is going to make a cake for my birthday with boiled white frosting -- so light and airy. She had one for the girls' birthday. They were little and loved it. It had sugar flowers. They were small and running around. I was upset about losing the check and upset about the fake tuition, but Sabrina was not. What a crazy dream!

Stuck In The House

Well, here I am again, unable to get out of the house. I was supposed to have an appt with my kidney specialist today, and I woke with a slight headache and feel anxious. I took 1 HC and 1/2 Frova, and now I took a Klonopin. I rescheduled my appt for next week. I just can't get out. It's cold and windy out and I feel miserable. I'm just sitting here with Ernie. I did a little on my book appendices this morning, then I played with trying to get some languages set up on Hotmail and Twitter. Hotmail has got me a little confused and now Twitter seems to make it difficult to follow someone. I got very confused. I just feel sad and miserable today. But at least I got Ernie a really nice place to stay that is connected with a vet. Ernie got the last window suite, I think. But even if he doesn't get a window, all the suites are glass and vinyl floor, and they are attended 24 hours. I can pick him up the night I get home, too. I think this is better than Wag N Tails. There is lot of room for walks, too. But at least he has a place and it's nice.

A Break-Through

Sabrina and I met with John last night, and for the first time in nearly 3 months, I have hope that I have not lost my daughter. She was pleasant but tired when she came in. Jackie has a cold, Cassie had her first migraine, and Clint's back is bad.

John must have been really thinking about what methods would work with us. He started with talking about our session last week where we talked about Islam and religion in general. We disagree totally but we can still work on my issues. He explained that his feelings are closer to Sabrina's but this was not "them against me." The point was that there are certain facts: both John and Dr. S feel that they see improvement in my mood and affect. I agree, however, I am having problems getting out off the house. I have a lot of anxiety and it borders on agorophia. So John and I will have to work on that.

John also talked about the day he realized that his mother would not always been around. I think he was trying to tell us not to put off resolving our issues.

Sabrina started to break down and open up. She feels like she is all I have and feels so much pressure to be the perfect daughter, and can't mess it up. Strange, when we haven't really seen each other or talked for nearly 3 months. Anyway, she sometimes feels like she has to be a mother to me emotionally. John wants to explore my own relationship with my mother: were there unresolved issues; how was my relationship with her.

Then to finish this emotional session, he asked us each to say a brief uplifting statement to each other. Sabrina wanted to go first. She told me that I was the smartest person she knew, that I was a good person, and she loved me very much and wanted me to be happy. I told her that I was extremely proud of her, she is very special, I admire her, and I love her so much and only want her happiness. By that time, all 3 of us were crying. The 1st time I've ever in 15 years that I have seen John cry.

When we left, we left together--Sabrina and I--and we hugged very tightly (how I've missed that!). I told her I truly meant what I said and I loved her so very much. She said the same and we hugged and cried for several minutes outside. She wanted to make sure that I was ok to drive home, and we left.

Today I made another appt for us for 2 weeks (1 week for me). I think we finally reconnected; I think that we are finally on the role towards healing.

Subhannallah!