Grandma's Back

It seems that every time I am going crisis or some sort of upset, Grandma shows up in my dreams. She did two nights ago, the night before last. She comforts me in my dreams because I am always upset about something in the dream. I don't remember what I was upset about, but she was there to console and comfort me.

This was even before I read Sabrina's response to my blog about being "on-fire" and her other responses to various blogs. Grandma must have known that I would need her and remembering that dream kept me from getting too upset with Sabrina's comments. I don't understand Sabrina's anger and what I've done wrong. Yes, I kept the car longer than expected but if she had told me she needed the car back NOW I would have called my claim agent and gotten a rental car with no problem. But she just complained that she needed the car, but didn't tell me it was a crisis. Then she was upset because there was dog hair in the car, which I would have cleaned out if I had had time. Then she was upset (I guess) because I mentioned my "on-fire" incident which was the dog bite incident, and the other time was her snub at Christmas.

I just feel sad at this point. I know that there is nothing I can do about her being upset and angry. She hasn't responded to my suggestions of a new psyotherapist. Maybe she just doesn't want to go and her method of dealing with it is just to ignore it. And right now she is ignoring me and everything I say, so I had best not say anything and stay out of her way. I feel sad and bad about it all but there is nothing I can do or say. The worst part is staying away from the girls. She says that my hijab embarrasses them. I don't believe it but I can't say it. I've asked them if it embarrassed them and they said no, so someone is not telling the truth. 

I guess I just have to follow John's advice and stay away from her and realize that I am really on my own, just as if i were living somewhere else. I am alone in this city just as if I were living in Seattle or Chicago or New York. I feel so sad and depressed. I don't know what to do about it. I have no friends here so it is like living somewhere else.

I'm glad Grandma came to me in my dream and was telling me that she is with me and comforts me. I just wish she were really here with me. I miss her so much.

So Far Apart

I feel so far apart from Sabrina. She seems so angry and doesn't want to talk to me. She texts me about picking up the girls for appointments and sometimes we have brunch together and we go to get our nails done and she let me use her car for 3 weeks while my car was being repaired from the accident. But she avoids being alone with me and talking with me.She seems like she'll try to see another therapist. She thinks John is too slow and we don't accomplish anything. In a way I agree with her. The dog thing just got dropped because she didn't want to deal with it. Same with the Christmas debacle. Our problems don't get resolved. Why won't she talk to me? I really try to be very careful about what I say to her as to not set her off. I tried to be kind and grateful to Clint when he took me to get my car. I make suggestions to do things together but she often brings the girls and Clint along. We never talk, really. It's such an upsetting situation for me. She's my only child and doesn't want to be with me at all. It is a rejection that is difficult to take.I guess I'll have to get a referral to another therapist for the two of us from John today, That's awkward. I like John and he's helped me a lot. I will still see him alone. Maybe it's better to have a different therapist. I'm willing to try, anyway.

Can't sleep

It is almost 3 o'clock in the morning. I have been up since 1 o'clock. My IBS is bad so I keep running to the bathroom. The puppies are sleeping--sort of. I don't know why my IBS is so bad again. I've played games and read the CASA newsletter. I have to come up with a topic for my research paper this week. I want to do something about abused/neglected children and mental health. Maybe: do the majority of abused/neglected children need psychological help? Or do abused / neglected children live in families where there is domestic abuse or drug use? I also have to look up a current crime and try to put myself in the offender's shoes. And I have all that reading to do. Guess I could do something now since I can't sleep.

Vivid Dreams

I've been having some very vivid dreams lately and I haven't even been eating dinner late. I wonder what is causing them. I know one was a work-related dream because Tish Denny was in it. One was something about a vacation. I wonder why I have so many work-related dreams. I may not have come to grips with the reality that I was asked to go on medical leave and leave my job forever, when I felt I was doing the best I could do. Yes, I was slower than I usually am, but my work was still high quality. I know it was Karen who wanted me to go, but thank God Tish and John found a way to let me leave gracefully. Maybe I need a vacation or want to go on a vacation; that could be where the vacation dream came from. Who can say?