It is 4 a.m. I woke at 3:30 a.m., which is even earlier than usual (an hour earlier!). I even took extra Klonopin before I went to sleep. WHAT THE ...?! I just don't get it. Dr. S is going to get a call.
BUT so far, no headache, just a stuffy nose. Got the little dog here and my book and my morning pages, and I'm set for the wee hours. My prayer is no headache today and no agorophia, so I can go to dinner with my friends.
Last night I felt better and even had the thought of going to Qur'an study, but decided I was not steady enough on my feet. Same with Saturday prayers and program. Plus I felt tired, so I went to bed about 9:30 p.m. I think it was the right thing to do, given the day's circumstances (specifically my clumsiness).
Unfortunately, my head is starting to twinge now. GO AWAY!!!!
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Three Times in One Day!
I feel so bad. Palwasha wants to know and be supportive of the girls. And I had to tell her the truth, the AWFUL truth about my bigoted daughter. I gave her examples of her bias against Hispanics. I hope that helped ease the disappointment and hurt.
Is This Another One? Oh, HELL, NO!
Rarely do I write 2 blogs in one day, let alone one morning, but after prayers, after I came downstairs and opened my computer to add Palwasha to Twitter, I got an aura. Auras for me often but not always precede migraines. I took 1/4 HC, and my eye is achy, and I am PRAYING that it doesn't turn into a migraine but that's what it feels like is happening. DRAT! If the pain starts, I will take Maxalt. I can't wait around for Frova to kick in. Today is the Chin Fest, and I want to go to the program at the masjid tonight. WHY,WHY,WHY??? I just feel so depressed about this now. I am trying to stay away from HC, but I always feel so awful with my cabeza maldita. I feel cursed. I can't help it. I just finished praying for relief. I know there is a reason for this, but it's difficult to endure. Please God, help me. I am despairing!
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I HATE MIGRAINES
I had another terrible migraine yesterday. ¡Maldita sea! I really wanted to get to Juma' and then have coffee with Abudharr. Well, inshallah, I will get there tonight for the Saturday program. There will be a speaker from Houston tonight.
Yesterday I chatted with Palwasha for a while. Unfortunately I said something that totally freaked her out. I was talking about my problems with Sabrina, and said I hope she wakes up before it's too late. She said, WHAT DO YOU MEAN BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE? And I knew I had scared her. She could see the suicidal thoughts, but I said that I wasn't young and God calls you home when He will. She was still upset, so I promised I would never say anything like that again.
She did create her poetry page. So I will referred all my poetry-inclined friends to her page. She is really intelligent and so talented. I would hook her up with Kamran in Lahore if I could be there to chaperone! I told this to Kamran. LOL I should tell Palwasha; she told me that she and her dad may be moving (shifting) back to Peshawar. It is because there are still so many things to fix and clean up after Rehana's passing. Rehana died so suddenly, only 10 days after they moved to Lahore. She doesn't want to go back. She's happier studying on her own and not being distracted and upset by high school intrigues.
As for me, I did little yesterday except read Sister Fidelma. Stupid migraine.
I did get an email from Michael yesterday. So now I have his email. So I wrote back and said I hoped they would come to NYS for Thanksgiving so I could meet Holly. And I sent him a Halloween card.
I know that as Muslims we should not celebrate Halloween as it is pagan, but I'm Irish! It's Samhain! Like Indian Diwali, celebration of good over evil. And it will be Día de los Muetos here in San Antonio. Tradition is tradition. We are who we are. We are defined by our cultures. Reminds me, I need to build my altar ASAP. I need to look for my parents' picture and Grandpa's photo in the garage. I should also look for photos for my book.
Now if I can just keep the migraines at bay!
Yesterday I chatted with Palwasha for a while. Unfortunately I said something that totally freaked her out. I was talking about my problems with Sabrina, and said I hope she wakes up before it's too late. She said, WHAT DO YOU MEAN BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE? And I knew I had scared her. She could see the suicidal thoughts, but I said that I wasn't young and God calls you home when He will. She was still upset, so I promised I would never say anything like that again.
She did create her poetry page. So I will referred all my poetry-inclined friends to her page. She is really intelligent and so talented. I would hook her up with Kamran in Lahore if I could be there to chaperone! I told this to Kamran. LOL I should tell Palwasha; she told me that she and her dad may be moving (shifting) back to Peshawar. It is because there are still so many things to fix and clean up after Rehana's passing. Rehana died so suddenly, only 10 days after they moved to Lahore. She doesn't want to go back. She's happier studying on her own and not being distracted and upset by high school intrigues.
As for me, I did little yesterday except read Sister Fidelma. Stupid migraine.
I did get an email from Michael yesterday. So now I have his email. So I wrote back and said I hoped they would come to NYS for Thanksgiving so I could meet Holly. And I sent him a Halloween card.
I know that as Muslims we should not celebrate Halloween as it is pagan, but I'm Irish! It's Samhain! Like Indian Diwali, celebration of good over evil. And it will be Día de los Muetos here in San Antonio. Tradition is tradition. We are who we are. We are defined by our cultures. Reminds me, I need to build my altar ASAP. I need to look for my parents' picture and Grandpa's photo in the garage. I should also look for photos for my book.
Now if I can just keep the migraines at bay!
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Have I Lost My Daughter?
I went to see John Sherwood yesterday. It was so upsetting that I couldn't even write about it until now.
We had a rather heated discussion about religion--my religion specially, but also religion in general. John really has a real bias against Islam, but admits that it certainly has been good for me. But he is very opposed to organized religion in principle. The ideology bothers him and he uses the argument that so much blood has been spilled in the name of religion and people have been hurt. His problem with Islam is that he had to deal with many Saudis when he worked in London, and found them to be phony and liars. It has colored his view of Islam. His daughter in London was dating a Muslim but broke it off because she knew that if they married and had children, then split, he would take the children. But we agreed to disagree and not discuss it further, because that is not the real problem with me and Sabrina.
I wanted to know from him how telling each other incidents that upset, hurt, or angered us was going to bring us closer together. He said that he was very concerned with her demeanor at the last session, to say nothing about the outburst at the first session. He said he sees her distancing herself from me. He especially noticed that when I spoke to her directly and told her that I loved her and missed her, she was absolutely distant and unmoved. He fears that she is so anger about something that I have lost her right now. He suggested that if I try to get close to her, she will only pull farther away. He thinks that the only thing I can do is to stay away from her, have no contact, and wait until she decides to come to me. I told John that I may be dead by then. I have been so depressed, agorophobic, anxious, and near suicidal, but I did't tell him the suicidal part. I will share that with Dr. S, but I am very depressed and isolating myself, even though he thinks I am doing okay, that I am better than he has seen me in a long while. I must be a good actress.
So I wrote a "good-bye" letter to Sabrina. I haven't done anything with it; I probably shouldn't give it to her. I should leave it to her upon my death. I really don't know what to do. I know I will rewrite my will myself. I will get forms at Office Depot or someplace like that. I will also change my beneficiary on my retirement and my life insurance policy. She is dead to me, as of now. As I told John, she has a man in her life, and when she has a man in her life, I am cut out of her life.
Cousin John put it well when we talked. Has she forgotten that I gave up my entire life to raise her, to drive her everywhere, that every penny I made went to her. She is just ungrateful and arrogant. And she does NOT really have an education, and she is NOT very intelligent. And she has married 2 people who were number than she is. That's one reason she married them, I think; SHE was the intelligent one. I hope and pray that her girls never treat her the way she has treated me, but she should not be surprised if one or both of them do.
I sent the girls an email with links to "Nana's Stories," and cc'd her so she would know that I was not going behind her back. I guess I even have to cc her on texts. I heard from Pattie, who read a couple stories but nothing from the girls. I have gotten no response about the Chin Fest, no T-shirts, nothing. I realize they are teenagers and are in their own world of "me," but they don't seem to realize that responding is only polite and the right thing to do. They may be cut out if my life, too, unless they contact me. I am not going to beg them.
I am unbelievably sad and depressed. I did nothing wrong. Why am I being disrespected and cut out of their lives? One day, they will all wake up and find I am gone, and it will be too late. The way I feel now, that may be sooner rather than later.
We had a rather heated discussion about religion--my religion specially, but also religion in general. John really has a real bias against Islam, but admits that it certainly has been good for me. But he is very opposed to organized religion in principle. The ideology bothers him and he uses the argument that so much blood has been spilled in the name of religion and people have been hurt. His problem with Islam is that he had to deal with many Saudis when he worked in London, and found them to be phony and liars. It has colored his view of Islam. His daughter in London was dating a Muslim but broke it off because she knew that if they married and had children, then split, he would take the children. But we agreed to disagree and not discuss it further, because that is not the real problem with me and Sabrina.
I wanted to know from him how telling each other incidents that upset, hurt, or angered us was going to bring us closer together. He said that he was very concerned with her demeanor at the last session, to say nothing about the outburst at the first session. He said he sees her distancing herself from me. He especially noticed that when I spoke to her directly and told her that I loved her and missed her, she was absolutely distant and unmoved. He fears that she is so anger about something that I have lost her right now. He suggested that if I try to get close to her, she will only pull farther away. He thinks that the only thing I can do is to stay away from her, have no contact, and wait until she decides to come to me. I told John that I may be dead by then. I have been so depressed, agorophobic, anxious, and near suicidal, but I did't tell him the suicidal part. I will share that with Dr. S, but I am very depressed and isolating myself, even though he thinks I am doing okay, that I am better than he has seen me in a long while. I must be a good actress.
So I wrote a "good-bye" letter to Sabrina. I haven't done anything with it; I probably shouldn't give it to her. I should leave it to her upon my death. I really don't know what to do. I know I will rewrite my will myself. I will get forms at Office Depot or someplace like that. I will also change my beneficiary on my retirement and my life insurance policy. She is dead to me, as of now. As I told John, she has a man in her life, and when she has a man in her life, I am cut out of her life.
Cousin John put it well when we talked. Has she forgotten that I gave up my entire life to raise her, to drive her everywhere, that every penny I made went to her. She is just ungrateful and arrogant. And she does NOT really have an education, and she is NOT very intelligent. And she has married 2 people who were number than she is. That's one reason she married them, I think; SHE was the intelligent one. I hope and pray that her girls never treat her the way she has treated me, but she should not be surprised if one or both of them do.
I sent the girls an email with links to "Nana's Stories," and cc'd her so she would know that I was not going behind her back. I guess I even have to cc her on texts. I heard from Pattie, who read a couple stories but nothing from the girls. I have gotten no response about the Chin Fest, no T-shirts, nothing. I realize they are teenagers and are in their own world of "me," but they don't seem to realize that responding is only polite and the right thing to do. They may be cut out if my life, too, unless they contact me. I am not going to beg them.
I am unbelievably sad and depressed. I did nothing wrong. Why am I being disrespected and cut out of their lives? One day, they will all wake up and find I am gone, and it will be too late. The way I feel now, that may be sooner rather than later.
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Saturday, October 23, 2010
Dreams WITHOUT Eating Late!
Good grief! This was not a dream; it was a nightmare!
I dreamt that I was working back at Harcourt. There was a swimming pool involved and we were all having a great time in the pool. The dream involved a lot of changing into (modest) swimwear, as well as checking texts and emails on our phones. There were people I knew and some I didn't. But then --- MARGIE arrived! She made us wear complicated designer dresses, completely decorated the entire office, and gave us impossible assignments. Almost everyone quit. I went to see her in her office, and whereas I had always just knocked on the boss's door and if she wasn't busy, I would go right in. Not now! The secretary-from-hell guarded Margie's office vigilantly. She screamed at me when I know knocked on Margie's door, "Don't you know how to behave?" Later, when I was quitting, I was summoned to Margie's office. I couldn't figure out how to wear the designer dress so I wore a nice dress of my own. When I went to the secretary to gain admittance to the "inner sanctum," she attempted to take my dress off me, as it wasn't the correct dress. She actually CUT the dress I was wearing. I screamed, "Call 9-1-1! Call the police! This is assault and battery!" because she had verbal assaulted me and cut my clothing (battery). The police were on the way when I awoke.
The next before this, or maybe the one before that, I had dreamed about Cathy, the editor at Harcourt. I don't remember much about the dream, but I also have several."work" dreams a month. Sometimes it involves Pearson, but usually Harcourt or Harcourt/Pearson. Rarely NYS Ed Dept. Apparently I am still suffering trauma from that brief year with Margie at Harcourt. It gives me a clue to a defining moment in my life, I guess.
I dreamt that I was working back at Harcourt. There was a swimming pool involved and we were all having a great time in the pool. The dream involved a lot of changing into (modest) swimwear, as well as checking texts and emails on our phones. There were people I knew and some I didn't. But then --- MARGIE arrived! She made us wear complicated designer dresses, completely decorated the entire office, and gave us impossible assignments. Almost everyone quit. I went to see her in her office, and whereas I had always just knocked on the boss's door and if she wasn't busy, I would go right in. Not now! The secretary-from-hell guarded Margie's office vigilantly. She screamed at me when I know knocked on Margie's door, "Don't you know how to behave?" Later, when I was quitting, I was summoned to Margie's office. I couldn't figure out how to wear the designer dress so I wore a nice dress of my own. When I went to the secretary to gain admittance to the "inner sanctum," she attempted to take my dress off me, as it wasn't the correct dress. She actually CUT the dress I was wearing. I screamed, "Call 9-1-1! Call the police! This is assault and battery!" because she had verbal assaulted me and cut my clothing (battery). The police were on the way when I awoke.
The next before this, or maybe the one before that, I had dreamed about Cathy, the editor at Harcourt. I don't remember much about the dream, but I also have several."work" dreams a month. Sometimes it involves Pearson, but usually Harcourt or Harcourt/Pearson. Rarely NYS Ed Dept. Apparently I am still suffering trauma from that brief year with Margie at Harcourt. It gives me a clue to a defining moment in my life, I guess.
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Thursday, October 21, 2010
Good Morning
Woke early again, this time 4:30 a.m.! Crazy me, I actually took BOTH my a.m. and p.m. meds last night, so I had to take another set of a.m. meds today.
Slept okay, I guess, with some dreams but I don't remember them. Maybe something will trigger them later and I'll remember.
I did Morning Pages yesterday, then booked tickets and a car for NYS in November for Thanksgiving, wrote a long letter to Pattie, then wrote 15-20 pages in my book. I am surprised at how things flow so quickly once I start writing. All the memories come flooding back, but I seem to be an impartial observer. I think it will become more emotional as i reach into my older life, as emotions did as I wrote to.Palwasha about my life.
The Morning Pages brought out incidents to bring up at my next session with John and Sabrina. That was a surprise, but a welcome one. So I will try to keep doing them. Things came out and I was able to write: exactly the purpose.
When will I learn that Sabrina does NOT want to be with me? I sent her a Groupon yesterday about a jewelry-making class. Her terse reply: No thank you. Her only responses to me have been: Yup, and Nope. Sigh. Makes me really glad that I decided to accept Pattie's invitation for Thanksgiving. John has offered a room, too. Haven't heard from Joanne. Need to write to Pat (wish he had email!).
Can't really tell how Ernie's eyes are
I DID find his old med the other day. It had fallen off the table and was hidden amongst my journals!
Slept okay, I guess, with some dreams but I don't remember them. Maybe something will trigger them later and I'll remember.
I did Morning Pages yesterday, then booked tickets and a car for NYS in November for Thanksgiving, wrote a long letter to Pattie, then wrote 15-20 pages in my book. I am surprised at how things flow so quickly once I start writing. All the memories come flooding back, but I seem to be an impartial observer. I think it will become more emotional as i reach into my older life, as emotions did as I wrote to.Palwasha about my life.
The Morning Pages brought out incidents to bring up at my next session with John and Sabrina. That was a surprise, but a welcome one. So I will try to keep doing them. Things came out and I was able to write: exactly the purpose.
When will I learn that Sabrina does NOT want to be with me? I sent her a Groupon yesterday about a jewelry-making class. Her terse reply: No thank you. Her only responses to me have been: Yup, and Nope. Sigh. Makes me really glad that I decided to accept Pattie's invitation for Thanksgiving. John has offered a room, too. Haven't heard from Joanne. Need to write to Pat (wish he had email!).
Can't really tell how Ernie's eyes are
I DID find his old med the other day. It had fallen off the table and was hidden amongst my journals!
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Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Slept Like A Log
I remember absolutely no dreams from last night, though I feared there would be many after all I ate last night. But I am still waking at about 5 a.m. every day with a headache. I don't believe it is a rebound, because my sinuses are a mess and I feel the pressure. And I know the migraine accompanies it. When I took my last Frova last week, it took the headache away and it didn't return until a day or so later--Friday, to be precise, when I had my melt-down after Ernie's emergency. Then I cried and hyperventilated, and woke the next morning with another migraine. I didn't have one on Monday, either, but after the session with John and Sabrina, I woke with a migraine. And the sinus one today. I told cousin John yesterday when he called I was thinking of trying Botox, now that it has been FDA-approved. Cassandra mentioned it, too, since she is having a bad time of migraines.
Speaking of Este, I was thinking of telling her about the gay and lesbian members of my family: Lisa, Annie, Uncle Don (who was unfortunately in the closet all his life-- :( ), as well as so many friends who have had to make difficult decisions. I wonder if UNM has a mental health clinic that could provide a therapist to help her. Also Albuquerque probably has a group for parents of GLTQ people. I will suggest that to Este and if she wants me to contact Stephanie, I certainly will. Right now, she asked me not to say anything to her and I respect that.
This morning, since I was up, after my headache was manageable, I wrote in long-hand for 30 minutes, about 2 pages in my large journal. Those are "morning pages," as described as an aid to clear the mind so a writer can write without writer's block. It actually helped, because a couple of incidents that upset me with Sabrina surfaced. He asked us both to come with lists of incidents to discuss, to get them out, so we can move on. (Though I really wonder if Sabrina will ever let things go.)
And a lovely thing happened yesterday. Pattie Baker invited me to her home for Thanksgiving! I was so moved and shocked. I would love to go, though at first I thought it was not doable. But I could fly SW into Albany, celebrate the holiday, and then visit my family in Central NYS. The question is what to do with Ernie. But I have time to find a place. Maybe Theresa would watch him, even. And I could check out Wag N' Tails. It's the eye meds that are the problem. But maybe I can work it out. I could bring what I've written to John for his contacts at Simon and Schuster. He also has a publisher who might publish "Nana's Stories." Though I might have to change names, or leave out certain stories that are just for the family. I have lots of stories, so I would have to select the most "commercial" of them. I think he said McMillan or was it Houghton Miflin. I also have contacts through Pearson for Penguin and at Harcourt. So I actually do have a foot in the publishing door. So I'd better get writing!
I found just enough pretty pink birthday paper for Palwasha's gifts, so I wrapped them and stuck on pretty pink curly ribbon. So I only need a gift bag and mailing envelope.
I REALLY need to register the car and get it inspected. I did call in prescriptions: blood pressure and triptans. Islam 101 class is on for tonight. The topic is shirk. And tomorrow is the Dhikr Circle at VIVA! I REALLY want to be there. Yesterday I changed my FB profile pic (twice) with Sufi symbols: 1st a dark blue mandela with beige/yellow accents, and a pink, purple, light blue and yellow Sufi heart. I stuck with that one, but also found a stylized sparkly red "Bismillah" that I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, but I wait a while; changing pics twice in one day was enough.
I did ask John about the $$$$, and he said that was actually what he called about. He said he will start sending something soon. Disney/PIXAR is looking at his " Birds of a Feather" for animation. I think it would work well in animation. Robbie is sneaking home every weekend to hang with his buddies who do nothing, so John is concerned. Robbie is a very young 22-year-old. He is so different from.Elsie. John laughed when I told him how OCD Sabrina is about her house; I guess Chris, his wife, is the same. She was busy doing Robbie's laundry. I said he should do his own, and related how Sabrina began doing her laundry after the lipstick-in-the-pant's-pocket in incident. And the girls do their own laundry (also the family's). Me, I haven't done laundry in ages!
Think I'll look for flights for Thanksgiving while I wait for Ernie to show up.
Speaking of Este, I was thinking of telling her about the gay and lesbian members of my family: Lisa, Annie, Uncle Don (who was unfortunately in the closet all his life-- :( ), as well as so many friends who have had to make difficult decisions. I wonder if UNM has a mental health clinic that could provide a therapist to help her. Also Albuquerque probably has a group for parents of GLTQ people. I will suggest that to Este and if she wants me to contact Stephanie, I certainly will. Right now, she asked me not to say anything to her and I respect that.
This morning, since I was up, after my headache was manageable, I wrote in long-hand for 30 minutes, about 2 pages in my large journal. Those are "morning pages," as described as an aid to clear the mind so a writer can write without writer's block. It actually helped, because a couple of incidents that upset me with Sabrina surfaced. He asked us both to come with lists of incidents to discuss, to get them out, so we can move on. (Though I really wonder if Sabrina will ever let things go.)
And a lovely thing happened yesterday. Pattie Baker invited me to her home for Thanksgiving! I was so moved and shocked. I would love to go, though at first I thought it was not doable. But I could fly SW into Albany, celebrate the holiday, and then visit my family in Central NYS. The question is what to do with Ernie. But I have time to find a place. Maybe Theresa would watch him, even. And I could check out Wag N' Tails. It's the eye meds that are the problem. But maybe I can work it out. I could bring what I've written to John for his contacts at Simon and Schuster. He also has a publisher who might publish "Nana's Stories." Though I might have to change names, or leave out certain stories that are just for the family. I have lots of stories, so I would have to select the most "commercial" of them. I think he said McMillan or was it Houghton Miflin. I also have contacts through Pearson for Penguin and at Harcourt. So I actually do have a foot in the publishing door. So I'd better get writing!
I found just enough pretty pink birthday paper for Palwasha's gifts, so I wrapped them and stuck on pretty pink curly ribbon. So I only need a gift bag and mailing envelope.
I REALLY need to register the car and get it inspected. I did call in prescriptions: blood pressure and triptans. Islam 101 class is on for tonight. The topic is shirk. And tomorrow is the Dhikr Circle at VIVA! I REALLY want to be there. Yesterday I changed my FB profile pic (twice) with Sufi symbols: 1st a dark blue mandela with beige/yellow accents, and a pink, purple, light blue and yellow Sufi heart. I stuck with that one, but also found a stylized sparkly red "Bismillah" that I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, but I wait a while; changing pics twice in one day was enough.
I did ask John about the $$$$, and he said that was actually what he called about. He said he will start sending something soon. Disney/PIXAR is looking at his " Birds of a Feather" for animation. I think it would work well in animation. Robbie is sneaking home every weekend to hang with his buddies who do nothing, so John is concerned. Robbie is a very young 22-year-old. He is so different from.Elsie. John laughed when I told him how OCD Sabrina is about her house; I guess Chris, his wife, is the same. She was busy doing Robbie's laundry. I said he should do his own, and related how Sabrina began doing her laundry after the lipstick-in-the-pant's-pocket in incident. And the girls do their own laundry (also the family's). Me, I haven't done laundry in ages!
Think I'll look for flights for Thanksgiving while I wait for Ernie to show up.
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Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Ate Too Late After Our Appointment
I was right to be apprehensive about our (Sabrina and my) appointment with John yesterday. She was pleasant when she came in, a little depressed, I think, because she didn't get the job she was so certain she was going to get. She's applied some other places. Hope she gets a better job soon.
Anyway, she plopped into the chair in John's office, and when he asked her to talk, she was quite reticent most of the time. But when he asked her for a specific incident that upset her (he sees she is very angry with me), she brought up something she believes I said 2 or 3 years ago about going to college that made her feel bad. But then she brought up an in incident from.HAWAII when I visited and things were really bad between her and Chris. Apparently Chris told him that I said she was crazy and angry and needed Prozac and that he should get custody of the kids! Yikes! What a liar! I do remember the visit and how she ignored me and chatted with people in chat rooms on the internet most of the time. I finally became so frustrated that I went for a walk, and Chris saw me and picked me up. I know that I expressed my frustration to him, but I never said what she said I told him. She thinks it has to be true because he is so dumb that he would have no idea what Prozac was. I probably told him that I was taking Prozac, or had taken it, and I did tell him that I had just flow 8,000 miles to see her and she was glued to the computer and I felt ignored. NEVER did I say what he said I said. I wish she had told me then and we could have talked it out. Why did she believe him?!
So now it comes out, and I had to sit and listen and repeat what I heard her say (Got it right. Yay me.). And she was supposed to do the same when I talked. She did OK. But at the end, John thought we should not talk again until our next meeting, and I wasn't happy about that because I miss my daughter and I am becoming more and more depressed (didn't mention that part). Then John politely said that I had repeated myself and that annoys Sabrina and she tunes me out. So I explained that I had repeated myself for John's benefit and because I didn't like John's dictum of not talking. But we aren't speaking still. She quickly left and said not a word to me.
I see John next Tuesday. We will definitely have a long talk, even if I have to crawl there. I guess I left like he was overly focused on Sabrina and her anger. But I have a lot of hurt, and yes, anger, about her, too. But I guess I push it down and bury it instead of holding on to it and letting it destroy our relationship.
We are both supposed to make a list of upsetting events and we will start to explore them next time. John said that we made great progress in communication, so why do I feel so rotten? I started by titling this "Ate Too Late..." because I had a terrible dream. about Cassie. I dreamt that she was pregnant! Cassie! And I was with her at the hospital when she was ready to havd the baby. The plan was that I was going to take care of the baby while she went to school. I have no idea who the father was, and that wasn't brought up. It didn't seem important; I guess he wasn't involved. Bizarre.
Anyway, she plopped into the chair in John's office, and when he asked her to talk, she was quite reticent most of the time. But when he asked her for a specific incident that upset her (he sees she is very angry with me), she brought up something she believes I said 2 or 3 years ago about going to college that made her feel bad. But then she brought up an in incident from.HAWAII when I visited and things were really bad between her and Chris. Apparently Chris told him that I said she was crazy and angry and needed Prozac and that he should get custody of the kids! Yikes! What a liar! I do remember the visit and how she ignored me and chatted with people in chat rooms on the internet most of the time. I finally became so frustrated that I went for a walk, and Chris saw me and picked me up. I know that I expressed my frustration to him, but I never said what she said I told him. She thinks it has to be true because he is so dumb that he would have no idea what Prozac was. I probably told him that I was taking Prozac, or had taken it, and I did tell him that I had just flow 8,000 miles to see her and she was glued to the computer and I felt ignored. NEVER did I say what he said I said. I wish she had told me then and we could have talked it out. Why did she believe him?!
So now it comes out, and I had to sit and listen and repeat what I heard her say (Got it right. Yay me.). And she was supposed to do the same when I talked. She did OK. But at the end, John thought we should not talk again until our next meeting, and I wasn't happy about that because I miss my daughter and I am becoming more and more depressed (didn't mention that part). Then John politely said that I had repeated myself and that annoys Sabrina and she tunes me out. So I explained that I had repeated myself for John's benefit and because I didn't like John's dictum of not talking. But we aren't speaking still. She quickly left and said not a word to me.
I see John next Tuesday. We will definitely have a long talk, even if I have to crawl there. I guess I left like he was overly focused on Sabrina and her anger. But I have a lot of hurt, and yes, anger, about her, too. But I guess I push it down and bury it instead of holding on to it and letting it destroy our relationship.
We are both supposed to make a list of upsetting events and we will start to explore them next time. John said that we made great progress in communication, so why do I feel so rotten? I started by titling this "Ate Too Late..." because I had a terrible dream. about Cassie. I dreamt that she was pregnant! Cassie! And I was with her at the hospital when she was ready to havd the baby. The plan was that I was going to take care of the baby while she went to school. I have no idea who the father was, and that wasn't brought up. It didn't seem important; I guess he wasn't involved. Bizarre.
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Monday, October 18, 2010
I'm So Anxious
6:15 p.m
That's the time of Sabrina and my appointment with John, my therapist. I am unbelievable nervous and anxious. Our last session was so upsetting. I hope and pray that we can work out our problems. I miss my daughter and granddaughters. I miss talking to Sabrina, even if she's complaining about her Job or traffic. I miss her.
I have taken WAY too much Klonopin today, but my IBS is out of control and the anxiety is unbearable. My mind has been racing, thinking of what to say and how to say it. Then I think, "Stop trying to anticipate the session. Focus on keeping calm." But there are things I need to say. I don't want a phony, superficial relationship--"How's the weather? How's the job?" etc. I want a real relationship. I don't know if it's possible. But I love my daughter and granddaughters. Please, God, let us be able to work this out.
That's the time of Sabrina and my appointment with John, my therapist. I am unbelievable nervous and anxious. Our last session was so upsetting. I hope and pray that we can work out our problems. I miss my daughter and granddaughters. I miss talking to Sabrina, even if she's complaining about her Job or traffic. I miss her.
I have taken WAY too much Klonopin today, but my IBS is out of control and the anxiety is unbearable. My mind has been racing, thinking of what to say and how to say it. Then I think, "Stop trying to anticipate the session. Focus on keeping calm." But there are things I need to say. I don't want a phony, superficial relationship--"How's the weather? How's the job?" etc. I want a real relationship. I don't know if it's possible. But I love my daughter and granddaughters. Please, God, let us be able to work this out.
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Another Night of Dreams
Last night was a night of more dreams (egg rolls, this time). Grandma was in the dream, as were my father and mother. I seemed to be working (again), but took some time out to go shopping at Macy's. I bought something off the sale rack, and explained how Sabrina would watch a sweater at Macy's in Albany as it went down in price to a coworker (who that was I don't know or remember). Grandma was WORKING where I was working in this dream, as were my mother and father. Go figure! I think Grandma was a supervisor, because she was giving me instructions to get a certain vitamin for my mother. I found it in a cereal, Cheerios, I think. In this dream, we were also only a out a half-hour ferry ride from France. I was very excited about that, and told my dad that they even had currency exchanges on both sides of the ferry. The USA side, of course, was a pathetic Greyhound Bus station, but the French side was modern and bustling. Still my father warned me to be cautious in my traveling. Coincidence that there is a high terrorism alert in France today, as credible sources have predicted attacks in France, Britain, Italy, and Germany, which at least France is taking seriously? I don't think so.
I liked this dream because I was with the people I love, and I haven't been with people I love and care about in a long time (the girls 1 week ago and Sabrina...) My father was ever vigilant, my mother needed meds, and Grandma oversaw it all!
The dream the night before (Saturday night) was a bit confusing to me. An Irish priest (Father Donovan?) was involved. I remember a long line of people. I remember a place like The Red Coach Inn where I lived as a freshman at university. There was also something about a book. (Guess I should have eaten more. Maybe I would have remembered more!)
I liked this dream because I was with the people I love, and I haven't been with people I love and care about in a long time (the girls 1 week ago and Sabrina...) My father was ever vigilant, my mother needed meds, and Grandma oversaw it all!
The dream the night before (Saturday night) was a bit confusing to me. An Irish priest (Father Donovan?) was involved. I remember a long line of people. I remember a place like The Red Coach Inn where I lived as a freshman at university. There was also something about a book. (Guess I should have eaten more. Maybe I would have remembered more!)
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Saturday, October 16, 2010
My Daughter Este
Este came out to me tonight. So crazy how everything happens for a reason. This morning I was on FB, and for "some reason," I decided to write her a message. I "came out" to her about being a Muslim, and also told her about my "issues" with Sabrina. She wrote back, and "came out" to me. She came out to her family at a basketball game because she was tired of sneaking around with her partner, M. She sort of knew how her family would react and had put it off. I know she has a gay uncle, and I gather that he is not treated well.
I was shocked to hear that her mom got physical with her--slapped Este's back so much that it scared Mark, who ran to get her grandparents. She moved out and moved in with M. in May.
With all the news about gay kids coming suicide, she was even worried about herself. She's still in school, but fights with her mom by phone everyday. If she asks for more advice, I may tell her to not talk to her mom as much, and keep it short and sweet.
I am really glad she told me, though I wasn't surprised by the news. She is such a great person. I want her to be able to talk to me, y phone or message, whenever. I wish I could make this all better for her, eventually things WILL get better for her. She will be in my prayers.
I was shocked to hear that her mom got physical with her--slapped Este's back so much that it scared Mark, who ran to get her grandparents. She moved out and moved in with M. in May.
With all the news about gay kids coming suicide, she was even worried about herself. She's still in school, but fights with her mom by phone everyday. If she asks for more advice, I may tell her to not talk to her mom as much, and keep it short and sweet.
I am really glad she told me, though I wasn't surprised by the news. She is such a great person. I want her to be able to talk to me, y phone or message, whenever. I wish I could make this all better for her, eventually things WILL get better for her. She will be in my prayers.
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Friday, October 15, 2010
Dreams
Dr. Phil's show yesterday was about dreams. And since I ate pizza just before going to sleep last night, I had some interesting dreams. (Eating solid food just before sleep brings on vivid dreams for me.)
The first dream I remember is that I had been traveling--in outer space, maybe?--and for some reason, I needed to inhale freon to keep breathing upon me return to earth. I know that I could gradually be weaned off it, but until I could get back to normal, I had to keep inhaling this freon in decreasingly small amounts. I was staying in a lovely hotel while I readjusted to normal breathing. But I was quite panicky when I needed to breathe more freon and I wasn't near any. My brother was in this dream, but I don't recall why. Did he go with me? Was he waiting for me to return? Don't know. My mother was also somehow involved in this dream, in a perifiral way. I DO know that I awoke around 2:30 a.m. and I was breathing rapidly, and worried about catching my breath and breathing normally.
The second dream I remember more clearly, and told me more about myself, I think. I was coming back to my previous employer, Harcourt, and I was charged with setting up an exhibition of creative works by young people. There were works by 3 young painters and by one young multimedia artist. The young artists were still working on their pieces while I gathered and printed the rubrics by which the pieces would be evaluated. The painting rubric was complete, and I was sent to check on the progress of the young painters. For some reason, I picked up a fine-point brush at each painter's easel, and I painted in darker eyes on each portrait! I actually altered each artist's work! Giles Ben Simon, a photographer, was going to judge the paintings and saw what I had done. He gave me "a look," and realizing what a horrible thing I had done, I went back to each young artist and attempted to wipe off the paint that I had placed their artwork. I also apologized profusely and told them that, although what I had done was totally unforgivable, I begged for their forgiveness, but told them that NO ONE has the right to tamper with or alter the creative work of another.
The young girl who was producing the mixed-media piece was not quite finished. In my dream, she was the 11-year-old daughter of Barabara B., who in reality has no daughters, only grown sons. There was no rubric for mixed-media pieces, but an expert was flying in from Buffalo, NY, to revise the draft rubric we had. While he worked on it, I was taking materials to the exhibition room, which was reached by passing through an elementary school that was attached to our building.
I was not very organized about the materials for this exhibition. I was attempting to carry an arm-load of skincare products to the room, and they kept falling out of my arms. I kept trying to pick them up, but they kept tumbling. Why they belonged in the room, I have no idea. The dream ended when my alarm woke me, so there was no conclusion.
When I awoke, I was truly horrified by what I had done to the paintings of the young artists, since I truly believe that NO ONE should censor one's creative works. Absolutely NO ONE! Censorship of any form runs contrary to everything I believe. What one's creative mind produces NEEDS to be released for some reason that we may not understand. I was really upset by my actions in this dream. I really need to think about what this dream means. Am I afraid that my book will be judged and criticized? Probably. But ALL books are reviewed by others, and anyone who reads a book has an opinion about the book. That doesn't change the book, only the reputation of the book and its author. Is that what I am afraid of? Funny, but my word in "French in Everyday Life" today is "la fousse," meaning "fear." "I am afraid" would be "J'ai la fousse." Perhaps that's a reason that I haven't written in a week or more. No excuses, Fatima. WRITE!!!
The first dream I remember is that I had been traveling--in outer space, maybe?--and for some reason, I needed to inhale freon to keep breathing upon me return to earth. I know that I could gradually be weaned off it, but until I could get back to normal, I had to keep inhaling this freon in decreasingly small amounts. I was staying in a lovely hotel while I readjusted to normal breathing. But I was quite panicky when I needed to breathe more freon and I wasn't near any. My brother was in this dream, but I don't recall why. Did he go with me? Was he waiting for me to return? Don't know. My mother was also somehow involved in this dream, in a perifiral way. I DO know that I awoke around 2:30 a.m. and I was breathing rapidly, and worried about catching my breath and breathing normally.
The second dream I remember more clearly, and told me more about myself, I think. I was coming back to my previous employer, Harcourt, and I was charged with setting up an exhibition of creative works by young people. There were works by 3 young painters and by one young multimedia artist. The young artists were still working on their pieces while I gathered and printed the rubrics by which the pieces would be evaluated. The painting rubric was complete, and I was sent to check on the progress of the young painters. For some reason, I picked up a fine-point brush at each painter's easel, and I painted in darker eyes on each portrait! I actually altered each artist's work! Giles Ben Simon, a photographer, was going to judge the paintings and saw what I had done. He gave me "a look," and realizing what a horrible thing I had done, I went back to each young artist and attempted to wipe off the paint that I had placed their artwork. I also apologized profusely and told them that, although what I had done was totally unforgivable, I begged for their forgiveness, but told them that NO ONE has the right to tamper with or alter the creative work of another.
The young girl who was producing the mixed-media piece was not quite finished. In my dream, she was the 11-year-old daughter of Barabara B., who in reality has no daughters, only grown sons. There was no rubric for mixed-media pieces, but an expert was flying in from Buffalo, NY, to revise the draft rubric we had. While he worked on it, I was taking materials to the exhibition room, which was reached by passing through an elementary school that was attached to our building.
I was not very organized about the materials for this exhibition. I was attempting to carry an arm-load of skincare products to the room, and they kept falling out of my arms. I kept trying to pick them up, but they kept tumbling. Why they belonged in the room, I have no idea. The dream ended when my alarm woke me, so there was no conclusion.
When I awoke, I was truly horrified by what I had done to the paintings of the young artists, since I truly believe that NO ONE should censor one's creative works. Absolutely NO ONE! Censorship of any form runs contrary to everything I believe. What one's creative mind produces NEEDS to be released for some reason that we may not understand. I was really upset by my actions in this dream. I really need to think about what this dream means. Am I afraid that my book will be judged and criticized? Probably. But ALL books are reviewed by others, and anyone who reads a book has an opinion about the book. That doesn't change the book, only the reputation of the book and its author. Is that what I am afraid of? Funny, but my word in "French in Everyday Life" today is "la fousse," meaning "fear." "I am afraid" would be "J'ai la fousse." Perhaps that's a reason that I haven't written in a week or more. No excuses, Fatima. WRITE!!!
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Tuesday, October 12, 2010
New Meds
I saw Dr. Schuenemeyer yesterday morning. We had a good talk, and she gave me samples of a med to take just before bed that may help regulate my mood. It is also sedating, so I may sleep better. I took it last night; it wasn't as sedating as I feared. I did wake several times but went back to sleep right away. And I don't feel overly sleepy this morning. But I am having some coffee this morning.
I received a text from Sabrina last evening confirming our appointment for next Monday. I did not respond. She didn't respond when I notified her of the appointment, but apparently John called and talked to her yesterday, so she confirmed the appointment. I don't know if I want to meet with her again. I will discuss it with John tomorrow. I'm really afraid of another horrendous session in which I will be attacked again.
I did get my nails done yesterday, and I have to pick up food from Morgan this morning. I may even get to the musical class this morning. I have to register the car. And I would like to get my nose pierced. (!)
I didn't get to the movies with the girls yesterday. My migraine was really bad. It is a little better this morning but I still have it.
Joanne called Sunday night but I didn't check messages until last night. I tried to explain our horrible counseling session; I had texted her that I felt like John had "thrown me under the bus," so I tried to explain that to her, but I know she didn't get it. Only John now knows how bad it was/is.
I need to order Palwasha's bday present. I bought a card for her. Evalynn and Katie's gifts arrived yesterday, so I have to mail them.
Narjis asked to send my message about reading the book to the group. She thinks I write well. That's encouraging. I did tell her I was writing a book. I told Joanne, too, but didn't get much response. Something must be wrong with me; people not in my family seem to appreciate me but my family doesn't. It is painful.
Maybe those are things I should talk to John about--depression, the appointment with Sabrina, my book, how my family reacts toward me as opposed to other people. Maybe I treat my family wrong. I know I didn't explain myself well to Joanne. Who can say?
I wasted a lot of time last night playing Mahjongg. It distracted me from my headache.
I received a text from Sabrina last evening confirming our appointment for next Monday. I did not respond. She didn't respond when I notified her of the appointment, but apparently John called and talked to her yesterday, so she confirmed the appointment. I don't know if I want to meet with her again. I will discuss it with John tomorrow. I'm really afraid of another horrendous session in which I will be attacked again.
I did get my nails done yesterday, and I have to pick up food from Morgan this morning. I may even get to the musical class this morning. I have to register the car. And I would like to get my nose pierced. (!)
I didn't get to the movies with the girls yesterday. My migraine was really bad. It is a little better this morning but I still have it.
Joanne called Sunday night but I didn't check messages until last night. I tried to explain our horrible counseling session; I had texted her that I felt like John had "thrown me under the bus," so I tried to explain that to her, but I know she didn't get it. Only John now knows how bad it was/is.
I need to order Palwasha's bday present. I bought a card for her. Evalynn and Katie's gifts arrived yesterday, so I have to mail them.
Narjis asked to send my message about reading the book to the group. She thinks I write well. That's encouraging. I did tell her I was writing a book. I told Joanne, too, but didn't get much response. Something must be wrong with me; people not in my family seem to appreciate me but my family doesn't. It is painful.
Maybe those are things I should talk to John about--depression, the appointment with Sabrina, my book, how my family reacts toward me as opposed to other people. Maybe I treat my family wrong. I know I didn't explain myself well to Joanne. Who can say?
I wasted a lot of time last night playing Mahjongg. It distracted me from my headache.
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Sunday, October 10, 2010
Sunday
So it's Sunday. I didn't sleep well last night. I don't know why. I kept waking up every hour or so. Around 3:30 am, I took some Klonopin. Didn't really help. Didn't feel terribly anxious, just couldn't really sleep. When that happens (which it has the past few nights), I probably should get up and say prayers and read. Except that I'm afraid that then I'll REALLY be wide awake.
Oh-oh! Ernie is puking. Wonder what his problem is. He ate his cookie this morning ok. Maybe too many potato chips or cheese puffs last night.
I read a lot in the Reading Circle book last night. I'm supposed to go today at 2 pm (it's 11:30 am now). It's a great book, but makes me so sad about the animals and how we treat them. I feel guilty about eating meat now, even fish and seafood. And I feel VERY bad about killing all those ants, because I did it in anger because they bit me when I was killing them. I know that I can't have ants in the house, but I felt revenge when I was killing them. Thar's bad and I need to ask forgiveness for that.
I "cleaned up" what I had already written on my book last night. Changed names and such. I need a literary agent. Maybe John can help me with that. I'd like to write some more, but I should read and go to the Circle. But my depression and anxiety makes me want to avoid going out, especially in groups. I"m going to dinner with the girls later. That's ok. They are going to the movies with Sabrina this afternoon. Wonder what they are seeing.
After my appointment with Dr. Schuenemeyer tomorrow morning, I was thinking that I might get my nails done and then go to the movies by myself. I'd like to see "The Social Network." However, maybe she'll put me in the hospital. Who knows? I see John again on Wednesday. Dr. Kadakia, too. I feel like I am sliding backwards in life. I just can NOT get out, except to Dr. appointments, and I've even put them off.
I got a migraine (with aura again) yesterday, and it (the migraine) came back this morning. I took meds, so I feel better, but this is the 2nd time for a migraine with aura in a week. Probably I need to see the Dr. about them. Guess I'll talk to Dr. S about it tomorrow along with everything else.
I found a pretty Native American bracelet for Palwasha online at Southwest Indian foundation. It would be nice for her BDay. They had a maple turtle fetish, too. Maybe I'll order them for her. They also had a great stacked fetish necklace with a main turquoise turtle. Too dear, though, for me.
I had been start thinking about Christmas gifts. The holiday will be here before you know it. I probably will get nothing because I'm Muslim. Sabrina should like that. But I still need to give gifts. Oh well.
O God! I hope Dr. S can do SOMETHING to help me tomorrow. SIGH.
Oh-oh! Ernie is puking. Wonder what his problem is. He ate his cookie this morning ok. Maybe too many potato chips or cheese puffs last night.
I read a lot in the Reading Circle book last night. I'm supposed to go today at 2 pm (it's 11:30 am now). It's a great book, but makes me so sad about the animals and how we treat them. I feel guilty about eating meat now, even fish and seafood. And I feel VERY bad about killing all those ants, because I did it in anger because they bit me when I was killing them. I know that I can't have ants in the house, but I felt revenge when I was killing them. Thar's bad and I need to ask forgiveness for that.
I "cleaned up" what I had already written on my book last night. Changed names and such. I need a literary agent. Maybe John can help me with that. I'd like to write some more, but I should read and go to the Circle. But my depression and anxiety makes me want to avoid going out, especially in groups. I"m going to dinner with the girls later. That's ok. They are going to the movies with Sabrina this afternoon. Wonder what they are seeing.
After my appointment with Dr. Schuenemeyer tomorrow morning, I was thinking that I might get my nails done and then go to the movies by myself. I'd like to see "The Social Network." However, maybe she'll put me in the hospital. Who knows? I see John again on Wednesday. Dr. Kadakia, too. I feel like I am sliding backwards in life. I just can NOT get out, except to Dr. appointments, and I've even put them off.
I got a migraine (with aura again) yesterday, and it (the migraine) came back this morning. I took meds, so I feel better, but this is the 2nd time for a migraine with aura in a week. Probably I need to see the Dr. about them. Guess I'll talk to Dr. S about it tomorrow along with everything else.
I found a pretty Native American bracelet for Palwasha online at Southwest Indian foundation. It would be nice for her BDay. They had a maple turtle fetish, too. Maybe I'll order them for her. They also had a great stacked fetish necklace with a main turquoise turtle. Too dear, though, for me.
I had been start thinking about Christmas gifts. The holiday will be here before you know it. I probably will get nothing because I'm Muslim. Sabrina should like that. But I still need to give gifts. Oh well.
O God! I hope Dr. S can do SOMETHING to help me tomorrow. SIGH.
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Saturday, October 9, 2010
Can I Ever Be Normal?
Sometimes, (well, A LOT of times), I wonder if I'll ever be normal or even feel somewhat normal. I did make an attempt, a feeble one, to clean up some of the garbage in my kitchen and on the counter. But it looks like I have not even put a dent in the mess. I took out 4 bags of garbage, but I haven't touched the fridge. The dining table is piled high. That huge box of trash is still precariously perched in my living room, with the printer--unopened still--underneath it. My head scarfs are spread everywhere. I plan to fold them and put them in the plastic bins in the kitchen. Plans, plans, plans! But I just can't seem to DO anything!
So far, what have I done today besides get up and say my prayers? Well, I read and wrote from the Qur'an; and I did do a search (with a little straightening) for the journal with "Nana's Stories." And I was actually successful in finding it. But I haven't turned on the computer today to write more of my book or to do Part 3 of my life (short version) for Palwasha, or to update "Nana's Stories," or to write in my spiritual blog. At first, I really did feel a great accomplishment in finding that journal, and I have to admit that I did write quite a bit last night. I wrote Part 2 for Palwasha, and also wrote for my book, about starting school. So maybe I am being too hard on myself. At least I did SOMETHING. It's more than I've done in a while.
It's just that I HATE this depression. I feel like I have no life. Today, I should go to Qur'an study and to the Saturday evening program, and tomorrow to the Reading Circle. I did read a bit of the book for the Circle; it's good. But my eyes itch, my head (sinuses) varies on pressure every few minutes, it's difficult to focus. I know that's part of my depression--the inability to focus.
I asked the girls to go to dinner tomorrow night. I just got a message. That may be a response.
Please, God, help me to be kind to myself and not so critical. It only seems to make things worse. Sigh.
So far, what have I done today besides get up and say my prayers? Well, I read and wrote from the Qur'an; and I did do a search (with a little straightening) for the journal with "Nana's Stories." And I was actually successful in finding it. But I haven't turned on the computer today to write more of my book or to do Part 3 of my life (short version) for Palwasha, or to update "Nana's Stories," or to write in my spiritual blog. At first, I really did feel a great accomplishment in finding that journal, and I have to admit that I did write quite a bit last night. I wrote Part 2 for Palwasha, and also wrote for my book, about starting school. So maybe I am being too hard on myself. At least I did SOMETHING. It's more than I've done in a while.
It's just that I HATE this depression. I feel like I have no life. Today, I should go to Qur'an study and to the Saturday evening program, and tomorrow to the Reading Circle. I did read a bit of the book for the Circle; it's good. But my eyes itch, my head (sinuses) varies on pressure every few minutes, it's difficult to focus. I know that's part of my depression--the inability to focus.
I asked the girls to go to dinner tomorrow night. I just got a message. That may be a response.
Please, God, help me to be kind to myself and not so critical. It only seems to make things worse. Sigh.
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Thursday, October 7, 2010
RIP Hannah Marie
Hannah Marie passed away quietly in her sleep last night. I could tell by the way she was lying under the end table last night that she was about to cross the Rainbow Bridge. I didn't want her to die alone. So I carried her upstairs and put her into her little blue bed on the end of my bed. So she was with me and Ernie when she passed. I didn't sleep well, knowing that she was passing on. She gave a little cry a little before midnight, and then I think she crossed over. I took her to the vet so she could be cremated. I got an urn for her. I wish I could have gotten an urn for Spikey, but he has a box. I am so sad. She's been with me so long and helped me through the time after my divorce from Doug. I was glad she died at home so I didn't have to take her to the vet's. She HATED riding in the car so much.
I spent quite a while talking to Palwasha on FB today. I will try to get online in the mornings so she can talk if she needs to.
For some reason, my ATM card would not go through at ReCept Pharmacy today. So then the bank put a hols on my card. But it should be okay now, I hope.
Sabrina did respond when I sent her a text about Hannah. My sister said, that's how she wants to go. Not too much sympathy from her, but Sabrina said she was very sorry.
So, so sad.
I spent quite a while talking to Palwasha on FB today. I will try to get online in the mornings so she can talk if she needs to.
For some reason, my ATM card would not go through at ReCept Pharmacy today. So then the bank put a hols on my card. But it should be okay now, I hope.
Sabrina did respond when I sent her a text about Hannah. My sister said, that's how she wants to go. Not too much sympathy from her, but Sabrina said she was very sorry.
So, so sad.
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Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Talked to John
I had my appointment today with John. I gave him the letter that I had written over the weekend. It explained how I felt about the appointment with Sabrina last week. And then we talked.
John apologized for not trying to stop Sabrina's outburst at the session. But he was taken by surprise, and also felt that he needed to see the depth of her feelings. He felt that I needed to see that, too. However, I told him that I already knew about her feelings. I told him that her actions that day were very similar to how she had acted on the day they came home from vacation.
I also told John that I had always felt safe in his office, but that day I did not feel safe. We talked about my history with Sabrina, especially about how she felt when I moved to Texas. When she discussed that with John a few months ago, John said that was the only time that he had seen her "crack." Her anger with me goes quite deep, I guess.
He hasn't decided if we should meet together again just yet. He's going to think about it, and talk to her, and let me know. In the meantime, next week on Monday I will see Dr. Schuenemeyer and then I will see John on Wednesday. Our joint appointment is Monday, Oct. 18. Maybe.
I understand why he let her outburst go on that day. But I can't go through another session like that one. But John thinks that we need to establish times for me to see the girls, and figure out what kind of relationship, if any, Sabrina and I will have.
I received thank-you notes from Sabrina and Clint today. Clint also sent me a check.
I have no idea how things will turn out. But I am so depressed and anxious.
John apologized for not trying to stop Sabrina's outburst at the session. But he was taken by surprise, and also felt that he needed to see the depth of her feelings. He felt that I needed to see that, too. However, I told him that I already knew about her feelings. I told him that her actions that day were very similar to how she had acted on the day they came home from vacation.
I also told John that I had always felt safe in his office, but that day I did not feel safe. We talked about my history with Sabrina, especially about how she felt when I moved to Texas. When she discussed that with John a few months ago, John said that was the only time that he had seen her "crack." Her anger with me goes quite deep, I guess.
He hasn't decided if we should meet together again just yet. He's going to think about it, and talk to her, and let me know. In the meantime, next week on Monday I will see Dr. Schuenemeyer and then I will see John on Wednesday. Our joint appointment is Monday, Oct. 18. Maybe.
I understand why he let her outburst go on that day. But I can't go through another session like that one. But John thinks that we need to establish times for me to see the girls, and figure out what kind of relationship, if any, Sabrina and I will have.
I received thank-you notes from Sabrina and Clint today. Clint also sent me a check.
I have no idea how things will turn out. But I am so depressed and anxious.
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Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Do I Really Want A Relationship With My Daughter?
Maybe it's my migraine today. Maybe it's just thinking about how horrible our appointment was last week. But I have been thinking about this. Do I really want to have a relationship with someone who is so disrespectful and mean to me, who has not shown that she gives a wit about me in I don't know when. Do I really want to carefully measure every word I utter? Do I really want to never be heard, to simply agree with whatever she us prattling on about? I really am tired of playing this game.
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Saturday, October 2, 2010
Emotions Go Up, Emotions Gi Down
It's Saturday. It's funny. I sleep okay, probably due to my meds, but as soon as I awake, the dreaded anxiety hits me like a ton of bricks. I've had to take 1.0 before the anxiety becomes bearable. I ask myself why I am so anxious. Why do I feel so scared all the time? I haven't really taken the time to explore the question and really find out what I'm so afraid of. Maybe I should.
I am hoping and praying that I will be able to get myself out today. The Qur'an Study class meets at 5 pm, and the Saturday program begins at 7:30 pm. I know that I NEED to get out, to meet people, to make friends among believers, but my fear, anxiety, and depression seems to keep me paralyzed and trapped. I want to go to the Reading Circle tomorrow, too. Allah, please help me!
I started to re-read the letter I wrote to John last night. I see that it is a bit disjointed and needs to be better organized. But I don't know if I can deal with that just now. I have to do it before Monday, so I can drop it off and make an appointment for Sabrina and me. Having another session like the last one will just push me over the edge, I know. I can't go through that abuse again. And I somehow need to make that clear to John.
I am just so sad and depressed and feel so hopeless. I had planned on doing some cleaning today, but I just can't do anything. I did read a little. I guess that's better than just lying on the couch all day. Not much better, but a little.
I am hoping and praying that I will be able to get myself out today. The Qur'an Study class meets at 5 pm, and the Saturday program begins at 7:30 pm. I know that I NEED to get out, to meet people, to make friends among believers, but my fear, anxiety, and depression seems to keep me paralyzed and trapped. I want to go to the Reading Circle tomorrow, too. Allah, please help me!
I started to re-read the letter I wrote to John last night. I see that it is a bit disjointed and needs to be better organized. But I don't know if I can deal with that just now. I have to do it before Monday, so I can drop it off and make an appointment for Sabrina and me. Having another session like the last one will just push me over the edge, I know. I can't go through that abuse again. And I somehow need to make that clear to John.
I am just so sad and depressed and feel so hopeless. I had planned on doing some cleaning today, but I just can't do anything. I did read a little. I guess that's better than just lying on the couch all day. Not much better, but a little.
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Friday, October 1, 2010
Ambushed
Yesterday was the appointment for Sabrina and me with John. It was an absolute nightmare, far worse than I could have ever imagined. Sabrina attacked and attacked, called me a liar, mocked me, belittled me, dismissed anything I had to say, and made it virtually impossible for me to explain myself because she said (screamed) that I always make excuses and it drives her crazy. She was yelling, jumping off the couch, intimidated me, and John did NOTHING. He tried to get us both to apologize and ask for forgiveness, which I did. But not Sabrina, nor would she forgive me. And then he tried to play the session as a successful first step. I beg to differ. I was intimidated, made to feel like a subhuman, and that my feelings don't matter. John started a list of "forbidden" topics. Little does he know that EVERYTHING upsets her; she can make a conflict out of anything I say. We are not supposed to talk to one another before our next session, he says next week. Bullshit. It will be at least 2 weeks before I can get an appointment.
I am so depressed over this. I have been crying non-stop; I feel like John through me under the bus as he bent over backwards to "listen" to her. I hope he sees now what I go through. I have written a letter to him which I will drop off on Monday. Someone needs to understand that I am suicidal and so depressed. And I can't wait for 10 days to see John and 2 weeks to see Dr. S. I will surely be dead by then. I am totally paralyzed by this depression. I can't leave my house. I have totally isolated myself. My house is a disaster. I don't eat anything but some junk. I am in desperate need of help of some sort, but my "health care professionals" don't seem to understand. Why can't they see? Why can't they listen to me or take me seriously? No, instead of caring about me, John tried to make out that we had a good session. If this was a good session, with Sabrina giving me a sarcastic "Have a good week" and me crying hysterically, I wonder what an unsuccessful session is.
I am so depressed over this. I have been crying non-stop; I feel like John through me under the bus as he bent over backwards to "listen" to her. I hope he sees now what I go through. I have written a letter to him which I will drop off on Monday. Someone needs to understand that I am suicidal and so depressed. And I can't wait for 10 days to see John and 2 weeks to see Dr. S. I will surely be dead by then. I am totally paralyzed by this depression. I can't leave my house. I have totally isolated myself. My house is a disaster. I don't eat anything but some junk. I am in desperate need of help of some sort, but my "health care professionals" don't seem to understand. Why can't they see? Why can't they listen to me or take me seriously? No, instead of caring about me, John tried to make out that we had a good session. If this was a good session, with Sabrina giving me a sarcastic "Have a good week" and me crying hysterically, I wonder what an unsuccessful session is.
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