Back to Dreams

I had a wonderful dream last night. I dreamed that everything between Sabrina and I was fine and we were laughing about the girls and enjoying ourselves. We talked about the cookies and fudge and how we were looking forward to seeing "Wicked." It was such a nice, normal dream about a nice, normal life. If only it were so.

NOT MUCH TIME TO DREAM

I woke up at 2:25 a.m. this morning and have been up ever since. I could not get back to sleep. I tried. I had taken a lot of meds and I didn't sleep during the day. I was just awake. I didn't know what else to do except to get up. I read a bit and listened to some music. I wrote an email to Cass who is having problems. I wish I could no something to help her, but I know I can't. I did offer to talk to Stephanie, but I don't know how much good it would do. Even Ernie got up early and followed me downstairs. I tried to do some Spanish but it is hard to see the pictures in the darkened room. It's been a very frustrating day so far. I hope things go well with our fudge making and cookie decorating. Of course I dread having to go to the supermarket and buying the few things I need for the fudge. I should have done it on an earlier day. I didn't realize I would be so out of it today. It was difficult enough to figure out a day when we could do this. I thought it would be a fun Christmas activity to do together, but it has turned out to be more of a pain, trying to find a time when the girls can "fit me in." Maybe I'll read a bit and go out about 8:45 a.m. to the store and go over. Maybe that will work for everybody. But if they are in a foul mood, I will take my food and go home.

More Wacky Dreams

It must be the chicken salad sandwich with is causing all these vivid strange dreams. In one dream, I was trying to teach my sister to drive a stick shift truck. She didn't even realize that driving a shift was different from driving an automatic!

Then there was a dream about Doug's brother's dog. He doesn't even have one, as far as I know. I don't even know if John still is alive. Anyway, there was something about the dog's testicles not being right, but when Doug tried to fix it, he worked on the wrong testicle. So he had to do the treatment on the poor dog all over again. What a weird dream!

I don't usually dream about Doug, thank God. I tend to wake upset and anxious, as I did today.

Now I have to get my hair cut and colored. And do errands. Too many things to do.

Well, I Tried

I had, or thought I had, a great idea for a gift (an expensive one--am I crazy?) for the Hahn/McNally family. They don't have an X-box, and I've seen the commercials for the dance module that goes with it. I thought that would be a great gift. So I texted Sabrina about it. Here is how the textign went:

• Me: Do you have an X Box? I was thinking of getting it with the dance game.
• Sabrina: For us?
• Me: Yes. for you. I know how the girls like to dance.
• Sabrina: No we have the wii dance
• Me: Oh.
• Sabrina: And they nwver use it

 So, I guess either I decide to save a bundle of money and not buy it, or buy it thinking that it will be different from the Wii system. Right now, I'm thinking--not buying. Doesn't mean that I won't. I'll do a little research. 

It seems that the video games are really for Clint. The girls are too busy doing chores.

Family Dreams, New York Dreams

I had two sets of wild and crazy dreams last night. The 1st one involved by brother Pat. I had receiving one of talking texts that his girlfriend was pregnant. Firstly I was surprised that he had used technology to inform me of this event. Secondly I was excited for him to be having a child at age nearly 60. I was in a house in NYS when this occurred. There was deep snow all around the house. It mat have been the house he owns on his property in NYS. Joanne showed up, and told me that, yes, his girlfriend Maxine was pregnant. I believe that they were having a girl. As far as I know, he does not have a girlfriend named Maxine. My sister did tell me that my mother was not happy because they weren't married. Just like my mother!

The other dream involved taking a boat ride down the Hudson River, a submarine(!), to get to get to a benefit given by the New York City Ballet. Some of my friends and I, as well as some dancers wanted to make a Mexican dish with beans, cheese, peppers, rice, bread, and baked, then served in a hard taco shall. Other dancers and teams made other dishes. The show was like a dinner show, where people watched the show and ate. I was paired with Merrill Ashely, who was one of Sabrina's favorite dancers, no longer dancing now. She had a young daughter who was dancing. We mixed up our dish which was wonderful, just in time for the show. The boat came into the picture because on the way down to NYC, a little boy had gotten burned on the hot metal of the submarine on his face. Then after the show, we all took a ride on the submarine around Manhattan. The same like boy was there. We could see the fluke tails of whales in a small wallfall in the river.

There was a painting to be auctioned off to raise money for the Ballet painted by a famous artist. It beautifully captured the intense emotional nature of the particular choreographer's dance in Merrill's pose.

Some of the people were quite rude during the show. Which is no surprise. But it was so exhilarating being back in NYC and working with the ballet. I loved that so much. I also miss it so much here in Texas. The ballet is one of my great loves. I truly wish there were a way I could be involved with a ballet or even a theatre company. I love drama and theatre as well as ballet.

I'm Baaaccckkk!

I am back after a lovely trip home to NYS for the Thanksgiving holiday. I left on my birthday, Nov. 22, a Monday and arrived in Albany. I got an upgrade on a car because it was my birthday -- a Sending, very nice. I went to Pattie Baker's house, a little tricky to get out to the highway from the airport (it was so dark at 4:30 pm!). But I did get to Pattie's house, a lovely home. Her daughter Lillian Rose is so sweet but strong-willed. Her husband Tim is very nice. We took Lilly to ballet class and did our shopping for Thanksgiving. I was on charge of desserts, so I made an apple pie, a pumpkin pie, and Grandma's chocolate pie. All went over quite well. I took them with me to my sister's house but she didn't seem impressed or ate any pie. I brought her leftover apple and pumpkin.
At Pattie's, because she is an artist, she and Lilly do lots of crafts. We made napkin rings and a centerpiece from dried plants and bittersweet we collected. Tim's boys and a girlfriend came to dinner. They were nice boys. Pattie and I went to an "end of life" house to spend 8 hours as volunteers . We had a lovely time with the resident and her family. But it was a long day.
Next day I went to Utica, a little late start but I drove like a bat out of hell. Thank goodness I did not get caught speeding. Joanne took me to a nice Italian steakhouse for my birthday. Next day we went to Danielle's house and Katie brought Evalyn to the house. It snowed about 2 inches, a real treat to me. Then that night we went to see Katie's new house that Rob is remodelling. He was so sweet with the baby, rocking her gently on his knees.
Then I went to John's house. I didn't know Chris well, but she us so warm and welcoming. They are both worried about what to do with Robbie, who doesn't seem to know what to do with himself. He doesn't like to work so hard in college and has bad friends. I can only pray for him, but they will have to put him out at some point. We visited Uncle Bob, he was very surprised to see me. Then we went to the Turning Stone casino for a spectacular dinner. We spent so much time just hanging out and talking. I was so comfortable but sad that I live so far from my family. We had a great Italian dinner the next night and then I drove to Albany to fly home.
I love the Interfaith chapel at the airport. A beautiful, quiet place in the storm. And all my connections were made and I picked up Ernie and snuggled up in our own bed. It was good to be home after being away 9 days.
Good to talk to John about it, too, when Sabrina cancelled our appointment.
She has been nicer about including me lately in things and calling. The girls had a nice birthday and a nice dinner. I bought their cake. Clint is still difficult, but I did buy him a Christmas gift. I don't know what to get Sabrina and the girls for.Christmas. I bought myself a new TV and sheets and bedding. The house is a wreck; I thought the girls would be thrilled to warm money helping me clean up, but they are getting snippy.
I really need to get back to writing. I have been away from writing so long.
I got to see Pat. That was good, but I don't think he cared if he saw me or not. Oh well.
Palwasha and I have talked on the phone and we are on Skype now. And she texts and emails, too. She is back in Peshawar so I pray a lot.
Guess that's it for catching up.
Lots of odd dreams lately.

Guess I'm Missing Class

I was supposed to go to tutor training this morning -- right now, but after 2 cups of coffee and a whole Vyvanse, I still feel only half awake. The alarm blasted me out of a sound sleep at 5 p.m. I know it's because I took Saphris last night, 10 mg. I should go back to 5 mg until I get used to it again or maybe go back to 5 mg permanently or for the time being. I have been off it for a week because I forgot to bring it on my trip. Then going to 10 mg right away was probably not a good idea.

So I feel quite out of it at the moment. I really want to go the tutoring session, but now I'm awake but "out of it." It is not a good situation.

In addition, Sabrina canceled our session with John tonight because Clint has clients to take out. So we won't have our session until Dec. 13, 10 days from now. A month since his bad behavior with the girls. I will go to the session tonight instead of going to Dhikr, and I guess John and I can talk about the situation. We had agreed previously to discussion it tonight, but letting it go another 10 days minimizes the situation. Sabrina can say, "If it is so bad, we should have talked about it before now." I don't know what to do.

I got a very disturbing call from Cass late last night. She is feeling suicidal; her family has upset her, she feels her life is chaotic and spinning out of control. I will go see her if it would help. I feel helpless. I tried to tell her that she can get through it by email, but her email was a short cry for help. Night us always the worst for feeling things are terrible, but I am thinking I should call her this morning and pray she doesn't do anything stupid. I think that's one reason I didn't go to class. I need to call her.

My Trip

I am glad that I went to NY, even though I have mixed emotions. It was wonderful being with Pattie. We had great talks. She understands me and the problems with Sabrina. Joanne is so much like my mother--go, go, go. Dragging me all around (except to Marie's; she was more into taking me to see Danielle and the kids, and Katie and her new house. And Pat who really didn't care that I was there. And she HAD to take me to the old house, which is in foreclosure and the owners had put in a ridiculous pool that made the garage unusable. Our life in that house is gone, but still she holds on to it. For me it was depressing. She did put a lot of old photos on disk for me. I brought her pies, which she ignored. But I did get to see and deal with snow -- about 2 inches on Friday. It was pretty. I had a great time at John's. He and Chris and I talked and talked. I understand his frustration with Robbie. He said my book was well written and will probably turn out good. I just know I have to keep it focussed on the spiritual journey. It's hard because I'm doing the blog, too, and they can overlap a lot. He gave me a $5,000 check and one to the ASPCA. The only other response I got was a no from Tom. Even with self -addressed stamped envelope. I just asked for $5 or $10. But I loved being with John and Chris. They get me, and my problems with Sabrina, too.
I am worried about the session with John and Sabrina tomorrow. I am so afraid it will be a set back and she and Clint will take things out on the girls and they will feel I betrayed them. I am so anxious.
My job now is author. I jotted a lot of notes yesterday on the plane. I need to tell my story, even if no one reads it. It's my story.
I just feel jealous of Joanne. Sabrina did bring packages in, so she knows what a mess it is. Still feeling sad and depressed. And so very much alone.