Univesristy Dream

I had such a vivid dream about university and lectures last night. Coe Dexter (now deceased) was in it and people I don't know.

I had ridden in a car to the university (a big old one like Yale, not Niagara or Buffalo), and we parked in lot 7 which was nearest to where he and another man were lecturing. I walked to room 22 where I am assigned. I was a student. The lecture was fine; the lecturers good. There were several gay men in my class and I immediately liked them and we became friends. The other students were fun, too, especially two older women (in their 70s).  My dog Lars was there waiting for me, being a good dog. He was much larger than he was is real life. There were small children in my class, too. Somehow, they were associated with the older ladies. We went out on some sort of a field trip on a bus. After we can back, the power went out and the lectures were shut down.

I went to find room 7 and find Coe because my purse which was in that room. Coe and the other man were still lecturing, but my purse was gone. Someone had taken it. It was checked in but it was gone. It had Winnie the Pooh on it and was royal blue. I was very upset since it contained EVERYTHING in it. I had a purse but that carried my books in it. I remember kissing Coe and telling him he was like my little brother; in the dream, he was gay (not so in real life, but his best friend was). We were walking to the car and going to report the missing purse the next day since everything was closed. That's when I woke up.

This dream occurred sometime between 4:30 a.m. and 7:15 a.m. I have not slept that late in a LONG time.It was just before sunrise when I awoke. I knew it was late but was shocked to see how late it was.

Anxiety

I had a lot of dreams last night but I don't remember most of them. There was one about work. Even though I haven't worked in nearly 6 years, I continue to have dreams about work. I feel rather anxious today. I have a lot to do--bank, P.O., Buddha Box, Sprint, Home Deport, CVS--and Juma', and having a lot to do always makes me nervous. I hate going out but know that I have to. If I go to Juma' then I can do all my errands at one time. Then I don't have to go out but one time. But I could put off the phone until Monday and the P.O., but I have to do the others today, though I could put off CVS, I guess..

I'm glad Brenda isn't coming until tomorrow. I would not have been able to get out to the bank in time last night. But maybe if I go out early to do the errands, They will be mostly done and I won't be so tired doing them all after Juma'. I need to take a shower, I think, and maybe I'll take some klonopin so my anxiety won't be so bad. I don't know why I get so anxious about going out. It's a neurotic thing again, I guess. I haven't done much reading in a while and that bothers me. I have been awfully anxious lately and I don't know why. I see Dr. S in 2 weeks and will have to talk to her about it. I still have suicidal thoughts, but they are not nearly as bad as they were a couple weeks ago, at the New Year.

I wonder if Sabrina will actually come over to help me put the bin together, or it will be like everything else. She says yes but never helps. I think that is the story of my life. The few things I have asked her to do she seems to resent and things don't ever get done. Or she criticizes me for asking her. I should have thought ahead, or known how busy she is. I don't feel that she will be there is I really need her. That makes me very sad. I would have wished that we would be closer but we aren't. We are so different and she intimidates me when she yells (which is a lot). She doesn't call to see how I am. We go for weeks without speaking and we only live 3 miles away from each other. It just makes me so sad and feel like I've done something wrong.

And why should she decide that I wouldn't be able to do the domestic violence assistance that she did at the police stations? That should be my decision, not hers. I know she won't look for the materials; she's probably thrown them out. And there goes another volunteer opportunity, I have a volunteer sheet from the Justice Center that I can send it if I need to.


I wish we could wrap up this application business and start school. It's a little more than a month away. I am really glad that I didn't get caught up in the University of the Rockie. They didn't require much in the way of references or experience or education. They just wanted to enroll you and get the money. There was just something not right about it.

I hope things go well with The Chicago School, which I really want to go to. It was rigorous requirements and I think is the best school. Argosy is my second choice, and then Walden. I guess I could have gone to school here in San Antonio, but it's hard for me to get myself out. And no school offers the Forensic Psychology degree or certificate. Who knows what will come of it, if I will ever use it for pay. I would only work part-time anyway, if I were to work.

Come on, klonopin, do your work so I won't be so anxious.

I have so much I would like to do today, but my migraine is bothering me. I want to go to Qi Gong, but I have to get things together in 15 minutes, which I doubt very much will happen.

I have been pleased with the few things I have cleaned out in the house. It is so nice to not see those boxes all piled up and also the garage at least looks a little better. Brenda doesn't come cheap, but I will be happy if I can find things and live in a clean house.

Brenda will come on Saturday morning and we will work for 2 hours. It isn't a long time, but it is long enough for me, since I tend to get so tired and my back hurts me when I work so much on cleaning. I want to try to move the desk downstairs (I forgot to have the maids help me; maybe I can do it alone.). I really think I will be feeling better if the place I'm living in is clean and neat. I am committed to keeping things clean and having a maid come to do cleaning every two weeks. That should keep the house looking livable.

Maybe in a away, it was good that the house was such a mess when it was before Christmas because it scared off Abudhhar, since is really a good think. I like him a lot, but he is not for me for a number of reasons, as we all know. Friends is all we can be. He has to look elsewhere for a new wife.

I've written a lot today, for my morning pages. Maybe now I can write my Nana's Stories or work on my book.

A BUSY DAY

Today is shaping up to be a busy day. I have Qi Gong (I will NOT miss it!), then CASA has an open house at 1 p.m., then errands to CVS, Sprint to replace that cord, and I HAVE to egt to Home Dept at some point. 

It was so good of John to fill in my reference for Argosy. I have to lot at my 2009 tax return and see if they will give me any financial aid for school. I have had to do quite a writing for The Chicago School and I haven't heard much from Walden in a while. I have decided that The Chicago School would be a good option, Argosy second, and then Walden. I just have to get my references for TCS and Argosy. I am anxious to start both CASA training and my classes. I need to do something productive. 

I think the SAMe is working on my depression. I have a lot of appointments on my calendar. Now if I can just get off my butt and do the things. I lack motivation and I'm just lazy being it the house. I need some major motivation to do things. It's just so much easier to lie around and do nothing.

I'm counting this blog as my morning pages. So I shouldn't be so concerned about spelling or grammar. I just need to clear my mind and maybe I will be able to start writing again. Or else the books will never be written. I love writing; I just wished I could type better. One would think that having taken 2 typing courses, I would be able to type reasonably well, but I don't. I make a lot of mistakes.


I just had a thought for Nan's stories, the story of the trip to Italy and NYC and losing my best friend. It is becoming a memoir/autobiography, and not just stories about my childhood. It would be good to blog about some of the things I've on through these past year.


Better get writing.

Internet Fiascos, Housecleaning, and IBS

Yesterday was quite a day, jam-packed with activities and problems. I had the technician here 3 times from Time Warner, from 9 a.m. to 7:30 p.m.; and spoke to at least 10 different people on the phone about this ridiculous Internet problem. I know I have a Mac but they should be able to deal with Macs and not just say,"Oh, it must be a problem with the computer." Thank God for the technician who finally came by at 7:30 p.m. and fixed the problem within minutes and also hooked up my HP (which is still sort of dead) to the Internet with the wire. The techs were both pretty certain that after the motherboard was fried, the Internet would never hook up wireless again. I can live with that. I'm just so glad this problem is fixed.

I started doing my assignments from Brenda. I packed up the purple ladies, and called Medina Children's Home (they were closed until Monday), and I have to clean out the bathroom so we can store things in there. I can or should start cleaning out my closet Monday or maybe today and take a bag at a time to Good Will of my clothes and shoes. I will call the cleaners to come to take away the bags in the garage and the boxes in the living room. I will promise to have them come back and clean when the house when is cleanable. At least I felt good packing up the purple ladies and I'll do the unicorns today, and sell the nativity sets on EBay of pack them up for the girls to save for their homes. I hate that I spent so much money on the nativity sets and not won't use them. I will ask Sabrina is she wants the china and crystal or silver pieces. I can't give away my silver tea set; it is from my grandmother and my pewter plate from Aunt Elsie. The others I will sell on EBay or give to Good Will if Sabrina doesn't want them.

I have to go to Home Depot this week and get supplies that Brenda wrote down. I can put them in the downstairs bathroom to store them until we use them. Maybe I can get a bag or two of clothes cleaned out of the closet this week too. Thing is, I start my OASIS classes this week and I know I'll be tired, but I really want to get this done. I really want a nice, clean house that I will be happy to come home to.

The other problem that is a real problem for me right now and if it isn't gone by tonight, I will have to call Dr. Kadakia, My IBS is out of control. I wake up in a puddle of poop every night in the middle of the night. Last night I wore two Depends and it still leaked through everything. My skin is raw from it and I am just so upset and embarrass by it. Nothing seems to stop it. Not immodium nor kaopectate. Nothing. It can't go on. I don't want to have to start back on Asacol. That is so hard on my kidneys. But I have to call the Dr. on Monday and let him know that it is back with a vengeance. 

The alarm sounded for prayers, so I'd better go say them and do my meditation. The best way to start the day.

The Sleepiest Dog in the World

It's almost 9:30 a,m, and Ernie is still in bed, Maybe his bath and grooming wore him out yesterday. He didn't even get up for prayers. I went up about 45 minutes ago to turn up the heat because it's so cold out and get my slipper socks, and he is still lying in the bed, sound asleep.

I feel somewhat anxious this morning. My diarrhea is at least improving a little bit, It's been going on all week. I haven't taken my blood pressure today. It was okay yesterday but high on Wednesday and Monday. I'm glad I got my own monitor ans also glad I found my extra meds so I can take them morning and night the way I'm supposed to. Maybe that will keep it down.

Buddha Box called yesterday and my jewelry is in, so I will have to stop over after Juma' this afternoon and pick it up. I'm a little nervous about getting it. A nose ring is bigger than just a stud. Most obvious.

I am really glad that I had the sense not just to enter my credit card information in that application to the University of the Rockies last night. It was kind of like a high pressure sales pitch. I don't wan to be stuck paying for classes I don't want. And the more I thought about it, the more I decided I don't want to go there. There's just something not right about it. I don't quite know what, but it's not right for me. I think Walden is the right one; it's the one I get the best feeling about. So I will go with that and try to apply for a scholarship or grant. Maybe I'll get it; who knows?

I better go take some klonopin to try to calm down. I am really nervous about Brenda coming tomorrow to assess my mess for a house. She certainly has 10 hours of work to do. But I know that I will feel better if the place is clean and this is her job. It's what she does. I shouldn't feel embarrassed. It is what it is. Then I can get the cleaners in to fix the place up. Finally. And maybe I will even be able to unpacked the things in the garage and find my photos and have them scanned so I can use them in the genealogy pages. That's a goal to work for.

Well, I'd better go take my meds and hope I feel better. More calm. It was weird again last night. When I texted Sabrina that Brenda was coming over on Saturday, she thought we were going to the movies then. But last week she said Saturday; no, Sunday. So I was planning on Sunday. So I guess we're going on Sunday. I don't think Clint likes her to be out without him on the weekends.

Another Dream Last Night

I had a dream that I remembered last night. It was about having assignments that were due. I was busy completing them, when along came Doug. He wanted me to help him with one assignment, to sort of cheat by helping him. I told him no, but he kept pestering me. I wouldn't do it. Maybe it came from the web seminar last night. I really don't know.

I took Ernie to be groomed today. He looks good and I'm sure he feels better too.

The organizer lady called a while ago. She will be coming on Saturday for a consultation and we may start some work then too. I'm so glad she is coming and we will start to get this mess cleaned up.

Well, now I have applied to two schools for my Masters. The woman from the University of the Rockies is calling later this afternoon. I'll find out about them, but they don't have that good a reputation. I haven't heard from the Chicago School yet.