Sabrina is so much like my mother that I can't stand it, Even the things she says that she couldn't possibly know. For example, I have said "I''m sorry" about the blogging until I can't even same the words any more. I have asked her to forgive me. All I get is "You're not sorry, or you wouldn't have done it." EXACTLY want my mother would say. I have asked for her forgiveness and said I will not blog about her again (although I did) and she won't forgive me. She hung up on me last week and I haven't heard from her since. She screams and cries when she's angry like my mother did.
She is so much like my mother that I can't believe it. It's like reliving my teenage and young adult years. My mother, I could have chalked it up to menopause, but Sabrina is just unbalanced. John is right. She needs to see a therapist on her own. She just refused to open up to a therapist or anyone. It eats her up inside. I know because she's told me. She can't sleep and overeats, and screams some more. She doesn't seem to be a happy person. That makes two of us.
How she can refuse to help her mother with medical things is beyond me. But my sister did the same to my mother. She got more criticism from my mother and couldn't deal with it. She feels differently now that my mother is gone, but she still hurts from my mother's criticism. The difference is that I criticized her on a blog which was more public and my pride got involved. I gave them my blog address and put it on Facebook which is where she saw things. Some of my old, private posts from this blog are on there, too, and that was what was really bad. Why I moved those blogs I'll never know. I guess I just wanted to keep things in one place. And I asked her to read the blogs because I was proud of them and they got good comments.
I moved my blog and I may lose hits and friends I've made on the blog. But that's a small price to pay for privacy from Sabrina and allow me to write and not antagonize her. Of course I could just blog my private thoughts here, but sometimes the prompts are related to family. I feel I have to write. It's what I do.
I feel like cutting. I suppose I should tell John or Dr. S. But I have put it off and that's good, I guess. I just have trouble believing that she wants nothing to do with me. I have thought about moving but I'm here for another year. I was determined to go to class yesterday but the intestinal problems prevented it. I was very upset. Could it be cooked onions that are doing this? I have to ask my doctor. I only took one bit and all hell broke loose.
I've thought about moving, but to where? I have to go to relatives to help but it's hard to find a residential community in Utica that will take pets and I won't leave my pets. Albany-Schenectady would be better but I have no one there. I could start over there and try to make friends again. They have a decent masjid. I think Utica has only two, one Sunni and one Shia, and I wouldn't be as accepted. Plus in Albany I'd be nearer to the city. I can't believe I'm thinking seriously about moving. I want to be near the ocean but you aren't in New York. I would hate to leave John and Dr. S.
I feel so awful about Sabrina. I ruined our belated Mother's Day. Having a daughter like my mother is like my worst nightmare. I know she won't help me with my medical issues. How cruel. How selfish. I spoiled her rotten, I fear. I did everything she wanted when she was growing up. She could do no wrong. And yet she did, and I didn't do much about it. So it really is my fault. I should have been a more firm mother. Like she is with her girls.
But I know the girls are not thrilled with Clint, from what Cassie said when we pulled up at the house yesterday and saw his truck. I guess part of me doesn't want them to accept him because I don't. As he said we don't know each other, so how came we criticize each other. But I know him enough to know that he is controlling, arrogant, and domineering. Apparently that's what she wants. Someone to take over and make the decisions. I can see how she feels that way. She is more outgoing than I am and doesn't like to be alone. Most people are not like me. I'm the odd one out.
I can't leave here. The dogs need to be here. I can't even think about going to the snow and cold of New York. I know my sister wants me there, but how can I go back to such a provincial place? There's so much that's not there. You don't understand it until you've been away and seen the rest of the world.
I am so sad and so depressed about Sabrina. I keep thinking she'll come around but I don't think she will. She is incredibly stubborn. She can hold out longer than I can. I just have to get more involved with other people and activities. Make friends that can help me. Joanne would never move here because of her grandchildren and daughters. I am scared of not making friends. I don't make friends easily. I am basically shy but too "New York" for people here. And Muslims are so involved with family and I have no family to support me. Maybe that's why I like Muslims. They are so involved with their families. Will I be able to fit in the Muslim community? Maybe I'll give it a year and see what transpires.
