Back to Dreams

I had a wonderful dream last night. I dreamed that everything between Sabrina and I was fine and we were laughing about the girls and enjoying ourselves. We talked about the cookies and fudge and how we were looking forward to seeing "Wicked." It was such a nice, normal dream about a nice, normal life. If only it were so.

NOT MUCH TIME TO DREAM

I woke up at 2:25 a.m. this morning and have been up ever since. I could not get back to sleep. I tried. I had taken a lot of meds and I didn't sleep during the day. I was just awake. I didn't know what else to do except to get up. I read a bit and listened to some music. I wrote an email to Cass who is having problems. I wish I could no something to help her, but I know I can't. I did offer to talk to Stephanie, but I don't know how much good it would do. Even Ernie got up early and followed me downstairs. I tried to do some Spanish but it is hard to see the pictures in the darkened room. It's been a very frustrating day so far. I hope things go well with our fudge making and cookie decorating. Of course I dread having to go to the supermarket and buying the few things I need for the fudge. I should have done it on an earlier day. I didn't realize I would be so out of it today. It was difficult enough to figure out a day when we could do this. I thought it would be a fun Christmas activity to do together, but it has turned out to be more of a pain, trying to find a time when the girls can "fit me in." Maybe I'll read a bit and go out about 8:45 a.m. to the store and go over. Maybe that will work for everybody. But if they are in a foul mood, I will take my food and go home.

More Wacky Dreams

It must be the chicken salad sandwich with is causing all these vivid strange dreams. In one dream, I was trying to teach my sister to drive a stick shift truck. She didn't even realize that driving a shift was different from driving an automatic!

Then there was a dream about Doug's brother's dog. He doesn't even have one, as far as I know. I don't even know if John still is alive. Anyway, there was something about the dog's testicles not being right, but when Doug tried to fix it, he worked on the wrong testicle. So he had to do the treatment on the poor dog all over again. What a weird dream!

I don't usually dream about Doug, thank God. I tend to wake upset and anxious, as I did today.

Now I have to get my hair cut and colored. And do errands. Too many things to do.

Well, I Tried

I had, or thought I had, a great idea for a gift (an expensive one--am I crazy?) for the Hahn/McNally family. They don't have an X-box, and I've seen the commercials for the dance module that goes with it. I thought that would be a great gift. So I texted Sabrina about it. Here is how the textign went:

• Me: Do you have an X Box? I was thinking of getting it with the dance game.
• Sabrina: For us?
• Me: Yes. for you. I know how the girls like to dance.
• Sabrina: No we have the wii dance
• Me: Oh.
• Sabrina: And they nwver use it

 So, I guess either I decide to save a bundle of money and not buy it, or buy it thinking that it will be different from the Wii system. Right now, I'm thinking--not buying. Doesn't mean that I won't. I'll do a little research. 

It seems that the video games are really for Clint. The girls are too busy doing chores.

Family Dreams, New York Dreams

I had two sets of wild and crazy dreams last night. The 1st one involved by brother Pat. I had receiving one of talking texts that his girlfriend was pregnant. Firstly I was surprised that he had used technology to inform me of this event. Secondly I was excited for him to be having a child at age nearly 60. I was in a house in NYS when this occurred. There was deep snow all around the house. It mat have been the house he owns on his property in NYS. Joanne showed up, and told me that, yes, his girlfriend Maxine was pregnant. I believe that they were having a girl. As far as I know, he does not have a girlfriend named Maxine. My sister did tell me that my mother was not happy because they weren't married. Just like my mother!

The other dream involved taking a boat ride down the Hudson River, a submarine(!), to get to get to a benefit given by the New York City Ballet. Some of my friends and I, as well as some dancers wanted to make a Mexican dish with beans, cheese, peppers, rice, bread, and baked, then served in a hard taco shall. Other dancers and teams made other dishes. The show was like a dinner show, where people watched the show and ate. I was paired with Merrill Ashely, who was one of Sabrina's favorite dancers, no longer dancing now. She had a young daughter who was dancing. We mixed up our dish which was wonderful, just in time for the show. The boat came into the picture because on the way down to NYC, a little boy had gotten burned on the hot metal of the submarine on his face. Then after the show, we all took a ride on the submarine around Manhattan. The same like boy was there. We could see the fluke tails of whales in a small wallfall in the river.

There was a painting to be auctioned off to raise money for the Ballet painted by a famous artist. It beautifully captured the intense emotional nature of the particular choreographer's dance in Merrill's pose.

Some of the people were quite rude during the show. Which is no surprise. But it was so exhilarating being back in NYC and working with the ballet. I loved that so much. I also miss it so much here in Texas. The ballet is one of my great loves. I truly wish there were a way I could be involved with a ballet or even a theatre company. I love drama and theatre as well as ballet.

I'm Baaaccckkk!

I am back after a lovely trip home to NYS for the Thanksgiving holiday. I left on my birthday, Nov. 22, a Monday and arrived in Albany. I got an upgrade on a car because it was my birthday -- a Sending, very nice. I went to Pattie Baker's house, a little tricky to get out to the highway from the airport (it was so dark at 4:30 pm!). But I did get to Pattie's house, a lovely home. Her daughter Lillian Rose is so sweet but strong-willed. Her husband Tim is very nice. We took Lilly to ballet class and did our shopping for Thanksgiving. I was on charge of desserts, so I made an apple pie, a pumpkin pie, and Grandma's chocolate pie. All went over quite well. I took them with me to my sister's house but she didn't seem impressed or ate any pie. I brought her leftover apple and pumpkin.
At Pattie's, because she is an artist, she and Lilly do lots of crafts. We made napkin rings and a centerpiece from dried plants and bittersweet we collected. Tim's boys and a girlfriend came to dinner. They were nice boys. Pattie and I went to an "end of life" house to spend 8 hours as volunteers . We had a lovely time with the resident and her family. But it was a long day.
Next day I went to Utica, a little late start but I drove like a bat out of hell. Thank goodness I did not get caught speeding. Joanne took me to a nice Italian steakhouse for my birthday. Next day we went to Danielle's house and Katie brought Evalyn to the house. It snowed about 2 inches, a real treat to me. Then that night we went to see Katie's new house that Rob is remodelling. He was so sweet with the baby, rocking her gently on his knees.
Then I went to John's house. I didn't know Chris well, but she us so warm and welcoming. They are both worried about what to do with Robbie, who doesn't seem to know what to do with himself. He doesn't like to work so hard in college and has bad friends. I can only pray for him, but they will have to put him out at some point. We visited Uncle Bob, he was very surprised to see me. Then we went to the Turning Stone casino for a spectacular dinner. We spent so much time just hanging out and talking. I was so comfortable but sad that I live so far from my family. We had a great Italian dinner the next night and then I drove to Albany to fly home.
I love the Interfaith chapel at the airport. A beautiful, quiet place in the storm. And all my connections were made and I picked up Ernie and snuggled up in our own bed. It was good to be home after being away 9 days.
Good to talk to John about it, too, when Sabrina cancelled our appointment.
She has been nicer about including me lately in things and calling. The girls had a nice birthday and a nice dinner. I bought their cake. Clint is still difficult, but I did buy him a Christmas gift. I don't know what to get Sabrina and the girls for.Christmas. I bought myself a new TV and sheets and bedding. The house is a wreck; I thought the girls would be thrilled to warm money helping me clean up, but they are getting snippy.
I really need to get back to writing. I have been away from writing so long.
I got to see Pat. That was good, but I don't think he cared if he saw me or not. Oh well.
Palwasha and I have talked on the phone and we are on Skype now. And she texts and emails, too. She is back in Peshawar so I pray a lot.
Guess that's it for catching up.
Lots of odd dreams lately.

Guess I'm Missing Class

I was supposed to go to tutor training this morning -- right now, but after 2 cups of coffee and a whole Vyvanse, I still feel only half awake. The alarm blasted me out of a sound sleep at 5 p.m. I know it's because I took Saphris last night, 10 mg. I should go back to 5 mg until I get used to it again or maybe go back to 5 mg permanently or for the time being. I have been off it for a week because I forgot to bring it on my trip. Then going to 10 mg right away was probably not a good idea.

So I feel quite out of it at the moment. I really want to go the tutoring session, but now I'm awake but "out of it." It is not a good situation.

In addition, Sabrina canceled our session with John tonight because Clint has clients to take out. So we won't have our session until Dec. 13, 10 days from now. A month since his bad behavior with the girls. I will go to the session tonight instead of going to Dhikr, and I guess John and I can talk about the situation. We had agreed previously to discussion it tonight, but letting it go another 10 days minimizes the situation. Sabrina can say, "If it is so bad, we should have talked about it before now." I don't know what to do.

I got a very disturbing call from Cass late last night. She is feeling suicidal; her family has upset her, she feels her life is chaotic and spinning out of control. I will go see her if it would help. I feel helpless. I tried to tell her that she can get through it by email, but her email was a short cry for help. Night us always the worst for feeling things are terrible, but I am thinking I should call her this morning and pray she doesn't do anything stupid. I think that's one reason I didn't go to class. I need to call her.

My Trip

I am glad that I went to NY, even though I have mixed emotions. It was wonderful being with Pattie. We had great talks. She understands me and the problems with Sabrina. Joanne is so much like my mother--go, go, go. Dragging me all around (except to Marie's; she was more into taking me to see Danielle and the kids, and Katie and her new house. And Pat who really didn't care that I was there. And she HAD to take me to the old house, which is in foreclosure and the owners had put in a ridiculous pool that made the garage unusable. Our life in that house is gone, but still she holds on to it. For me it was depressing. She did put a lot of old photos on disk for me. I brought her pies, which she ignored. But I did get to see and deal with snow -- about 2 inches on Friday. It was pretty. I had a great time at John's. He and Chris and I talked and talked. I understand his frustration with Robbie. He said my book was well written and will probably turn out good. I just know I have to keep it focussed on the spiritual journey. It's hard because I'm doing the blog, too, and they can overlap a lot. He gave me a $5,000 check and one to the ASPCA. The only other response I got was a no from Tom. Even with self -addressed stamped envelope. I just asked for $5 or $10. But I loved being with John and Chris. They get me, and my problems with Sabrina, too.
I am worried about the session with John and Sabrina tomorrow. I am so afraid it will be a set back and she and Clint will take things out on the girls and they will feel I betrayed them. I am so anxious.
My job now is author. I jotted a lot of notes yesterday on the plane. I need to tell my story, even if no one reads it. It's my story.
I just feel jealous of Joanne. Sabrina did bring packages in, so she knows what a mess it is. Still feeling sad and depressed. And so very much alone.

Dreams About Nazi Germany

My dreams have been so strange of late. They involve me being a Jew in Europe and people I know as Nazis. But also in these dreams are my grandmother and my Uncle Don and his long-time friend Andy. I was giving a birthday gift to Uncle Don. But things kept getting lost, and the trains were involved. It was just all messed up and I kept trying to put things right. So strange, so vivid. I remember that both Uncle Don and Andy were young (30ish) and had their shirts off. They were wearing black pants. It was Uncle Don's birthday and my grandmother was making things nice. But I kept losing my gift. The trains were in the periphery. What strange dreams!

Dreams of the Night

I had 2 dreams last night. The first one I remember is being with Curt in New York. It involved traveling on the subway. It was like reliving experiences I actually lived through. There was another dream just before I awoke, but now I can't remember it. That's why I quickly wrote this, so I would remember. But I guess not. Maybe it will come back later.

Good Things, Not So Good Things

Yesterday was a mixed day for me. First, I went to see Bart to have money put into my checking account so that I can pay bills, buy Christmas gifts, and pay for my trip to NYS. I really hated to take out the money, but there really was no other option at this point.

Then I decided to go and have my piercings done. It was a good experience. I had my nose pierced, the tops of both ears, and another hole in my right ear. It was not really painful and I had a nice chat with the owner about small businesses and about Islam. He didn't know much about Islam and.was happy that I answered his questions. And I am happy to have the piercings done.

Before my appointment with the kidney specialist, I stopped at Office Depot to get a form for a will and Christmas computer paper and cards. Then I popped over to Sun Harvest to get sea salt for cleaning my piercings; then it was on to the doctor.

A very interesting thing happened at the doctor's office. The medical assistance who was taking my vital statistics and checking my medications then asked me about my dress (my tunic and head scarf). She asked if it was religious. I said yes, that I was Muslim. Then she said that she had been reading the Qur'an and was thinking of converting. She asked about mosques in the city. I answered her questions and gave her some information about programs at the mosques. She put me in a room to wait for an examination room to open up. So while I was in there waiting, I wrote down the information about the programs at the Islamic Center and Imam Medhi Masjid. After a while, another medical assistant moved me to the examination room, and on the way, I saw the female medical assistant working on a computer in a nearby room. After I was put into the examination room, I slipped out and gave the medical assistant the written information about the programs. I encouraged her to check them out on the websites. She said "thank you" and seemed very appreciative of the information. I think this was not a coincidence. With Allah there are no coincidences.

The not so good news was that my creatin levels were slightly elevated as were my phosphorus levels. I cannot have dark soda nor milk products. No cheese, yogurt, milk, ice cream, etc. So the doctor needs to see me in about 3 months to check things again. And the visit lasted a long time so I didn't get to Islam 101 class.

So I was so tired that I just dropped off a prescription and did some shopping at CVS, and then went home without getting the girls' notes to their father. I hope to go over and pick them up tonight, but I may not even make that.

I still feel tired today, but I was able to work on my book (various sections) and did a lot of language work. So both days have been quite mixed. "You're up and you're down..."

A Welcome Phone Call

I received a phone call from Sabrina last evening. She was at the airport waiting for her flight to Las Vegas. She is going out for DJames's 1st birthday, which is on Friday. Rachel is picking her up and she will stay with Rachel until Thursday. Then her dad comes back from SC, and she wants to take DJames and stay with him overnight, returning to Rachel's on Friday Then she flies back on Saturday.

It will do her good to get away, I think. Clinton has been complaining about how expensive the Silverbelles are. Tonight they have more pictures. They were selling candles, but no one asked me to buy any. I tried to tell Sabrina that I will certainly buy whatever they have to sell. That's what grandparents are for! I also thought that I would text her today and suggest that the girls work for me one day a week cleaning my house. That way they can earn some money to help pay for Silverbelles. They have made friends and love it. They are physically fit. Both, especially Jackie, have lost a ton of weight. Clint threatens that if they bring home a "C," he will make them quit. Jerk. I'll bet HE got a number of Cs in school.

Sabrina says she still feels exhausted. She thinks it is the Pristque and she doesn't feel less anxious, nor is her OCD under control. She has been looking for a psychiatrist, but people are not taking new patients. I told her to talk to John about getting her in with Dr. S. She may not be taking new patients, but he could probably get her in. Maybe Xanax or Klonopin would help her, or some other med. She is going to see John by herself on Monday. He called her yesterday. That will be good; maybe she will be able to open up about her issues with that insufferable jerk of a husband. I told John about how his parents wrecked their car and took off for Saudi Arabia without telling them or offering to pay for repairs. John says that she needs to see that HE is the cause of her anxiety, not me.

I will see John Thursday week, before I go to NYS. Sabrina did get my email about my holiday plans. So that should relieve some of her anxiety about the holidays.

Thank you, God, that things are working out better. I am so grateful she called.

Tonight I will pick up the girls' notes for their dad after Islam 101 class, then mail the package on Friday. I hope I can get my piercing done before my doctor appt.

I asked Sabrina what the girls want for their birthday and Christmas. They have lists, so I will also ask them, then run it by Sabrina.

Please, God, protect Sabrina on her trip. Help the girls to survive their week with Clint.

More Dreams

I only remember part of one dream last night. The part I remember was Ernie grabbing the carrot toy from Hannah and running off with it. So maybe I should take his carrot to the pet resort. I was thinking thatI should also buy him a ball to take with him, maybe one you can put cookies in. He would have fun with that, I think. Maybe I'll get them tomorrow between my hair and Dr. Pergola appointment.

Today I will get my piercings after seeing Bart. After he gets upset, I may need a little pain to help me feel better. LOL

I thought I would tell Bart about the car and how I won't see any $$ from them for a bit as they pay for the car and Christmas. And that I want to see my brother who is not in great health. Which is true. I haven't seen him in over 2 years or more. I guess I saw him at Greg's wedding reception. I didn't see him when I went up for Katie's wedding.

I also got a lovely note from Marie Kupiec thanking me for the Mass card for Ruth. Ruth was 97 and she told Marie she was ready to go. I know Mike and Tom and Sandy saw Marie about 2 months ago. Maybe I can get Joanne to go visit with me. Marie and Pat saw each other at their doctor. She seemed so happy to hear from me. I would love to show her pics of the girls. Her grandchildren are much older--20s or 30s, I guess. And I think neither Dianne nor David live nearby. So even if Joanne doesn't want to go, I will. Marie said that she had a Station of the Cross dedicated in memory of the Samson and Kupiec families, so that the Samson name remains in the church (Kupiec, too). I think she said it was Station 11. That may be "Jesus' body is taken down from the cross." I have to look it up. Marie and Uncle Bob are the last one's of their generation left.

I will pick up the girls' notes to Chris tomorrow after Islam 101 class. Both give me a reason to go out, and I can practice "forcing" myself to get out. Then I can mail it and Brenda's birthday card on Friday after Juma'. Thursday is Veterans Day and there is no mail (or bank--why I need to get my $$ request in so I have it by Friday so I can pay bills).

Today I have to mail DJames's birthday card. I nearly forgot it, but got a nice 1st birthday card and sent a check to him. He is my step-grandchild. I got cards for Brenda and Sandy Dawson Fisher while I was out yesterday. Class's birthday was yesterday. Maybe I will try to call her tonight. I thought that she might be busy celebrating yesterday.

Well, time for Fajr. Still getting used to changed prayer times. Mid-day is the biggest adjustment, then evening are done so early, by 7 p.m. So off I go.

Still Waiting For...

I went to see both Dr. S and John today. Dr. S doubled my new med to see if it would help my sleeping. About my agorophia, she says I have to FORCE myself to go out. She also decided to increase my Klonopin to 1 mg 3 times a day. That should help my anxiety, she says. I certainly hope so.

I also tried to find a piercing shop and ended up at Essence Tatoo. They recommended Buddha Box near Evers and 410. So I will go there tomorrow after I see Bart. I may need some pain after asking for more money.

Tonight I talked to Cassie and told her that I will pick up their notes on Wednesday. Then I'll mail the package on Friday after Juma'. Maybe that will force me to go to Islam 101 on Wednesday night, and to Juma' on Friday. It's worth a try.

When I talked to John today, we talked about my disappointment about not seeing nor talking much to Sabrina after our "moment" last week. He thinks that I need to give her LOTS of space; it's the only way she will see that I am NOT the source of her anxiety. Clint is the main source of her anxiety, I believe. I make no apologies for my dislike of him. I find him arrogant, domineering, not very bright, extremely volatile, and generally not a nice person. I have a good reason: he told MY DAUGHTER to throw me out of HER house (which he thinks is his). I had helped them out. Then HIS parents borrow Sabrina's car for a month and basically wreck it, and hop a plane to Saudi Arabia before anyone can find out all the damage they did. The girls said Sabrina was angry. She should have been. The cheap people should have rented a car, or at least given Sabrina money to take care of what they did to the car. But I guess I will never know how Clint reacted. Dollars to donuts he would NOT have tossed HIS parents out of the house.

I hate having him feeding Sabrina the crap that I am the cause of her anxiety. I hate having to stay away from my daughter. I hate that she doesn't want to see or talk to me because he (maybe she) thinks I cause stress in her life. I hate that she uses me to do her chores by taking her children to appointments and never thanks me. She uses me then I should disappear until the next time she needs me (or my money). I HATE THIS. IT MAKES ME WANT TO CRY.

And so I think I will.

Submarine

Wacky dreams again. Now I'm in a submarine with the ER doctor from The Doctors show, the one who was in The Bachelor. But he is a submarine commander. We are going for a ride from the US across to France. Chris McNally is there as a sailor and the commander keeps telling him to stop playing with his chewing tobacco and sticking it on his nose. I am excited to be diving under the water in this submarine and wonder how he will know how to steer this thing across the Atlantic. He has also gone to the bank and given me a check to deposit. Now I can't find it. He turns into David Robinson and tells me it's okay. We will look for it later. Earlier in the dream, my mother and Sabrina were there, as well as the girls. My mother had filled out some forms about tuition for the girls and they were a bit fraudulent. Sabrina was in on this with my mother. Barrie Wellens, my boss from Harcourt, came to tell me that she knew the forms were incorrect, but she was not going to tell the authorities, but to make it right. Meanwhile, my sister is going to make a cake for my birthday with boiled white frosting -- so light and airy. She had one for the girls' birthday. They were little and loved it. It had sugar flowers. They were small and running around. I was upset about losing the check and upset about the fake tuition, but Sabrina was not. What a crazy dream!

Stuck In The House

Well, here I am again, unable to get out of the house. I was supposed to have an appt with my kidney specialist today, and I woke with a slight headache and feel anxious. I took 1 HC and 1/2 Frova, and now I took a Klonopin. I rescheduled my appt for next week. I just can't get out. It's cold and windy out and I feel miserable. I'm just sitting here with Ernie. I did a little on my book appendices this morning, then I played with trying to get some languages set up on Hotmail and Twitter. Hotmail has got me a little confused and now Twitter seems to make it difficult to follow someone. I got very confused. I just feel sad and miserable today. But at least I got Ernie a really nice place to stay that is connected with a vet. Ernie got the last window suite, I think. But even if he doesn't get a window, all the suites are glass and vinyl floor, and they are attended 24 hours. I can pick him up the night I get home, too. I think this is better than Wag N Tails. There is lot of room for walks, too. But at least he has a place and it's nice.

A Break-Through

Sabrina and I met with John last night, and for the first time in nearly 3 months, I have hope that I have not lost my daughter. She was pleasant but tired when she came in. Jackie has a cold, Cassie had her first migraine, and Clint's back is bad.

John must have been really thinking about what methods would work with us. He started with talking about our session last week where we talked about Islam and religion in general. We disagree totally but we can still work on my issues. He explained that his feelings are closer to Sabrina's but this was not "them against me." The point was that there are certain facts: both John and Dr. S feel that they see improvement in my mood and affect. I agree, however, I am having problems getting out off the house. I have a lot of anxiety and it borders on agorophia. So John and I will have to work on that.

John also talked about the day he realized that his mother would not always been around. I think he was trying to tell us not to put off resolving our issues.

Sabrina started to break down and open up. She feels like she is all I have and feels so much pressure to be the perfect daughter, and can't mess it up. Strange, when we haven't really seen each other or talked for nearly 3 months. Anyway, she sometimes feels like she has to be a mother to me emotionally. John wants to explore my own relationship with my mother: were there unresolved issues; how was my relationship with her.

Then to finish this emotional session, he asked us each to say a brief uplifting statement to each other. Sabrina wanted to go first. She told me that I was the smartest person she knew, that I was a good person, and she loved me very much and wanted me to be happy. I told her that I was extremely proud of her, she is very special, I admire her, and I love her so much and only want her happiness. By that time, all 3 of us were crying. The 1st time I've ever in 15 years that I have seen John cry.

When we left, we left together--Sabrina and I--and we hugged very tightly (how I've missed that!). I told her I truly meant what I said and I loved her so very much. She said the same and we hugged and cried for several minutes outside. She wanted to make sure that I was ok to drive home, and we left.

Today I made another appt for us for 2 weeks (1 week for me). I think we finally reconnected; I think that we are finally on the role towards healing.

Subhannallah!

So Far So Good

It is 4 a.m. I woke at 3:30 a.m., which is even earlier than usual (an hour earlier!). I even took extra Klonopin before I went to sleep. WHAT THE ...?! I just don't get it. Dr. S is going to get a call.

BUT so far, no headache, just a stuffy nose. Got the little dog here and my book and my morning pages, and I'm set for the wee hours. My prayer is no headache today and no agorophia, so I can go to dinner with my friends.

Last night I felt better and even had the thought of going to Qur'an study, but decided I was not steady enough on my feet. Same with Saturday prayers and program. Plus I felt tired, so I went to bed about 9:30 p.m. I think it was the right thing to do, given the day's circumstances (specifically my clumsiness).

Unfortunately, my head is starting to twinge now. GO AWAY!!!!

Three Times in One Day!

I feel so bad. Palwasha wants to know and be supportive of the girls. And I had to tell her the truth, the AWFUL truth about my bigoted daughter. I gave her examples of her bias against Hispanics. I hope that helped ease the disappointment and hurt.

Is This Another One? Oh, HELL, NO!

Rarely do I write 2 blogs in one day, let alone one morning, but after prayers, after I came downstairs and opened my computer to add Palwasha to Twitter, I got an aura. Auras for me often but not always precede migraines. I took 1/4 HC, and my eye is achy, and I am PRAYING that it doesn't turn into a migraine but that's what it feels like is happening. DRAT! If the pain starts, I will take Maxalt. I can't wait around for Frova to kick in. Today is the Chin Fest, and I want to go to the program at the masjid tonight. WHY,WHY,WHY??? I just feel so depressed about this now. I am trying to stay away from HC, but I always feel so awful with my cabeza maldita. I feel cursed. I can't help it. I just finished praying for relief. I know there is a reason for this, but it's difficult to endure. Please God, help me. I am despairing!

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I HATE MIGRAINES

I had another terrible migraine yesterday. ¡Maldita sea! I really wanted to get to Juma' and then have coffee with Abudharr. Well, inshallah, I will get there tonight for the Saturday program. There will be a speaker from Houston tonight.

Yesterday I chatted with Palwasha for a while. Unfortunately I said something that totally freaked her out. I was talking about my problems with Sabrina, and said I hope she wakes up before it's too late. She said, WHAT DO YOU MEAN BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE? And I knew I had scared her. She could see the suicidal thoughts, but I said that I wasn't young and God calls you home when He will. She was still upset, so I promised I would never say anything like that again.

She did create her poetry page. So I will referred all my poetry-inclined friends to her page. She is really intelligent and so talented. I would hook her up with Kamran in Lahore if I could be there to chaperone! I told this to Kamran. LOL I should tell Palwasha; she told me that she and her dad may be moving (shifting) back to Peshawar. It is because there are still so many things to fix and clean up after Rehana's passing. Rehana died so suddenly, only 10 days after they moved to Lahore. She doesn't want to go back. She's happier studying on her own and not being distracted and upset by high school intrigues.

As for me, I did little yesterday except read Sister Fidelma. Stupid migraine.

I did get an email from Michael yesterday. So now I have his email. So I wrote back and said I hoped they would come to NYS for Thanksgiving so I could meet Holly. And I sent him a Halloween card.

I know that as Muslims we should not celebrate Halloween as it is pagan, but I'm Irish! It's Samhain! Like Indian Diwali, celebration of good over evil. And it will be Día de los Muetos here in San Antonio. Tradition is tradition. We are who we are. We are defined by our cultures. Reminds me, I need to build my altar ASAP. I need to look for my parents' picture and Grandpa's photo in the garage. I should also look for photos for my book.

Now if I can just keep the migraines at bay!

Have I Lost My Daughter?

I went to see John Sherwood yesterday. It was so upsetting that I couldn't even write about it until now.

We had a rather heated discussion about religion--my religion specially, but also religion in general. John really has a real bias against Islam, but admits that it certainly has been good for me. But he is very opposed to organized religion in principle. The ideology bothers him and he uses the argument that so much blood has been spilled in the name of religion and people have been hurt. His problem with Islam is that he had to deal with many Saudis when he worked in London, and found them to be phony and liars. It has colored his view of Islam. His daughter in London was dating a Muslim but broke it off because she knew that if they married and had children, then split, he would take the children. But we agreed to disagree and not discuss it further, because that is not the real problem with me and Sabrina.

I wanted to know from him how telling each other incidents that upset, hurt, or angered us was going to bring us closer together. He said that he was very concerned with her demeanor at the last session, to say nothing about the outburst at the first session. He said he sees her distancing herself from me. He especially noticed that when I spoke to her directly and told her that I loved her and missed her, she was absolutely distant and unmoved. He fears that she is so anger about something that I have lost her right now. He suggested that if I try to get close to her, she will only pull farther away. He thinks that the only thing I can do is to stay away from her, have no contact, and wait until she decides to come to me. I told John that I may be dead by then. I have been so depressed, agorophobic, anxious, and near suicidal, but I did't tell him the suicidal part. I will share that with Dr. S, but I am very depressed and isolating myself, even though he thinks I am doing okay, that I am better than he has seen me in a long while. I must be a good actress.

So I wrote a "good-bye" letter to Sabrina. I haven't done anything with it; I probably shouldn't give it to her. I should leave it to her upon my death. I really don't know what to do. I know I will rewrite my will myself. I will get forms at Office Depot or someplace like that. I will also change my beneficiary on my retirement and my life insurance policy. She is dead to me, as of now. As I told John, she has a man in her life, and when she has a man in her life, I am cut out of her life.

Cousin John put it well when we talked. Has she forgotten that I gave up my entire life to raise her, to drive her everywhere, that every penny I made went to her. She is just ungrateful and arrogant. And she does NOT really have an education, and she is NOT very intelligent. And she has married 2 people who were number than she is. That's one reason she married them, I think; SHE was the intelligent one. I hope and pray that her girls never treat her the way she has treated me, but she should not be surprised if one or both of them do.

I sent the girls an email with links to "Nana's Stories," and cc'd her so she would know that I was not going behind her back. I guess I even have to cc her on texts. I heard from Pattie, who read a couple stories but nothing from the girls. I have gotten no response about the Chin Fest, no T-shirts, nothing. I realize they are teenagers and are in their own world of "me," but they don't seem to realize that responding is only polite and the right thing to do. They may be cut out if my life, too, unless they contact me. I am not going to beg them.

I am unbelievably sad and depressed. I did nothing wrong. Why am I being disrespected and cut out of their lives? One day, they will all wake up and find I am gone, and it will be too late. The way I feel now, that may be sooner rather than later.

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Dreams WITHOUT Eating Late!

Good grief! This was not a dream; it was a nightmare!

I dreamt that I was working back at Harcourt. There was a swimming pool involved and we were all having a great time in the pool. The dream involved a lot of changing into (modest) swimwear, as well as checking texts and emails on our phones. There were people I knew and some I didn't. But then --- MARGIE arrived! She made us wear complicated designer dresses, completely decorated the entire office, and gave us impossible assignments. Almost everyone quit. I went to see her in her office, and whereas I had always just knocked on the boss's door and if she wasn't busy, I would go right in. Not now! The secretary-from-hell guarded Margie's office vigilantly. She screamed at me when I know knocked on Margie's door, "Don't you know how to behave?" Later, when I was quitting, I was summoned to Margie's office. I couldn't figure out how to wear the designer dress so I wore a nice dress of my own. When I went to the secretary to gain admittance to the "inner sanctum," she attempted to take my dress off me, as it wasn't the correct dress. She actually CUT the dress I was wearing. I screamed, "Call 9-1-1! Call the police! This is assault and battery!" because she had verbal assaulted me and cut my clothing (battery). The police were on the way when I awoke.

The next before this, or maybe the one before that, I had dreamed about Cathy, the editor at Harcourt. I don't remember much about the dream, but I also have several."work" dreams a month. Sometimes it involves Pearson, but usually Harcourt or Harcourt/Pearson. Rarely NYS Ed Dept. Apparently I am still suffering trauma from that brief year with Margie at Harcourt. It gives me a clue to a defining moment in my life, I guess.

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Good Morning

Woke early again, this time 4:30 a.m.! Crazy me, I actually took BOTH my a.m. and p.m. meds last night, so I had to take another set of a.m. meds today.

Slept okay, I guess, with some dreams but I don't remember them. Maybe something will trigger them later and I'll remember.

I did Morning Pages yesterday, then booked tickets and a car for NYS in November for Thanksgiving, wrote a long letter to Pattie, then wrote 15-20 pages in my book. I am surprised at how things flow so quickly once I start writing. All the memories come flooding back, but I seem to be an impartial observer. I think it will become more emotional as i reach into my older life, as emotions did as I wrote to.Palwasha about my life.

The Morning Pages brought out incidents to bring up at my next session with John and Sabrina. That was a surprise, but a welcome one. So I will try to keep doing them. Things came out and I was able to write: exactly the purpose.

When will I learn that Sabrina does NOT want to be with me? I sent her a Groupon yesterday about a jewelry-making class. Her terse reply: No thank you. Her only responses to me have been: Yup, and Nope. Sigh. Makes me really glad that I decided to accept Pattie's invitation for Thanksgiving. John has offered a room, too. Haven't heard from Joanne. Need to write to Pat (wish he had email!).

Can't really tell how Ernie's eyes are
I DID find his old med the other day. It had fallen off the table and was hidden amongst my journals!

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Slept Like A Log

I remember absolutely no dreams from last night, though I feared there would be many after all I ate last night. But I am still waking at about 5 a.m. every day with a headache. I don't believe it is a rebound, because my sinuses are a mess and I feel the pressure. And I know the migraine accompanies it. When I took my last Frova last week, it took the headache away and it didn't return until a day or so later--Friday, to be precise, when I had my melt-down after Ernie's emergency. Then I cried and hyperventilated, and woke the next morning with another migraine. I didn't have one on Monday, either, but after the session with John and Sabrina, I woke with a migraine. And the sinus one today. I told cousin John yesterday when he called I was thinking of trying Botox, now that it has been FDA-approved. Cassandra mentioned it, too, since she is having a bad time of migraines.

Speaking of Este, I was thinking of telling her about the gay and lesbian members of my family: Lisa, Annie, Uncle Don (who was unfortunately in the closet all his life-- :( ), as well as so many friends who have had to make difficult decisions. I wonder if UNM has a mental health clinic that could provide a therapist to help her. Also Albuquerque probably has a group for parents of GLTQ people. I will suggest that to Este and if she wants me to contact Stephanie, I certainly will. Right now, she asked me not to say anything to her and I respect that.

This morning, since I was up, after my headache was manageable, I wrote in long-hand for 30 minutes, about 2 pages in my large journal. Those are "morning pages," as described as an aid to clear the mind so a writer can write without writer's block. It actually helped, because a couple of incidents that upset me with Sabrina surfaced. He asked us both to come with lists of incidents to discuss, to get them out, so we can move on. (Though I really wonder if Sabrina will ever let things go.)

And a lovely thing happened yesterday. Pattie Baker invited me to her home for Thanksgiving! I was so moved and shocked. I would love to go, though at first I thought it was not doable. But I could fly SW into Albany, celebrate the holiday, and then visit my family in Central NYS. The question is what to do with Ernie. But I have time to find a place. Maybe Theresa would watch him, even. And I could check out Wag N' Tails. It's the eye meds that are the problem. But maybe I can work it out. I could bring what I've written to John for his contacts at Simon and Schuster. He also has a publisher who might publish "Nana's Stories." Though I might have to change names, or leave out certain stories that are just for the family. I have lots of stories, so I would have to select the most "commercial" of them. I think he said McMillan or was it Houghton Miflin. I also have contacts through Pearson for Penguin and at Harcourt. So I actually do have a foot in the publishing door. So I'd better get writing!

I found just enough pretty pink birthday paper for Palwasha's gifts, so I wrapped them and stuck on pretty pink curly ribbon. So I only need a gift bag and mailing envelope.

I REALLY need to register the car and get it inspected. I did call in prescriptions: blood pressure and triptans. Islam 101 class is on for tonight. The topic is shirk. And tomorrow is the Dhikr Circle at VIVA! I REALLY want to be there. Yesterday I changed my FB profile pic (twice) with Sufi symbols: 1st a dark blue mandela with beige/yellow accents, and a pink, purple, light blue and yellow Sufi heart. I stuck with that one, but also found a stylized sparkly red "Bismillah" that I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, but I wait a while; changing pics twice in one day was enough.

I did ask John about the $$$$, and he said that was actually what he called about. He said he will start sending something soon. Disney/PIXAR is looking at his " Birds of a Feather" for animation. I think it would work well in animation. Robbie is sneaking home every weekend to hang with his buddies who do nothing, so John is concerned. Robbie is a very young 22-year-old. He is so different from.Elsie. John laughed when I told him how OCD Sabrina is about her house; I guess Chris, his wife, is the same. She was busy doing Robbie's laundry. I said he should do his own, and related how Sabrina began doing her laundry after the lipstick-in-the-pant's-pocket in incident. And the girls do their own laundry (also the family's). Me, I haven't done laundry in ages!

Think I'll look for flights for Thanksgiving while I wait for Ernie to show up.

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Ate Too Late After Our Appointment

I was right to be apprehensive about our (Sabrina and my) appointment with John yesterday. She was pleasant when she came in, a little depressed, I think, because she didn't get the job she was so certain she was going to get. She's applied some other places. Hope she gets a better job soon.

Anyway, she plopped into the chair in John's office, and when he asked her to talk, she was quite reticent most of the time. But when he asked her for a specific incident that upset her (he sees she is very angry with me), she brought up something she believes I said 2 or 3 years ago about going to college that made her feel bad. But then she brought up an in incident from.HAWAII when I visited and things were really bad between her and Chris. Apparently Chris told him that I said she was crazy and angry and needed Prozac and that he should get custody of the kids! Yikes! What a liar! I do remember the visit and how she ignored me and chatted with people in chat rooms on the internet most of the time. I finally became so frustrated that I went for a walk, and Chris saw me and picked me up. I know that I expressed my frustration to him, but I never said what she said I told him. She thinks it has to be true because he is so dumb that he would have no idea what Prozac was. I probably told him that I was taking Prozac, or had taken it, and I did tell him that I had just flow 8,000 miles to see her and she was glued to the computer and I felt ignored. NEVER did I say what he said I said. I wish she had told me then and we could have talked it out. Why did she believe him?!

So now it comes out, and I had to sit and listen and repeat what I heard her say (Got it right. Yay me.). And she was supposed to do the same when I talked. She did OK. But at the end, John thought we should not talk again until our next meeting, and I wasn't happy about that because I miss my daughter and I am becoming more and more depressed (didn't mention that part). Then John politely said that I had repeated myself and that annoys Sabrina and she tunes me out. So I explained that I had repeated myself for John's benefit and because I didn't like John's dictum of not talking. But we aren't speaking still. She quickly left and said not a word to me.

I see John next Tuesday. We will definitely have a long talk, even if I have to crawl there. I guess I left like he was overly focused on Sabrina and her anger. But I have a lot of hurt, and yes, anger, about her, too. But I guess I push it down and bury it instead of holding on to it and letting it destroy our relationship.

We are both supposed to make a list of upsetting events and we will start to explore them next time. John said that we made great progress in communication, so why do I feel so rotten? I started by titling this "Ate Too Late..." because I had a terrible dream. about Cassie. I dreamt that she was pregnant! Cassie! And I was with her at the hospital when she was ready to havd the baby. The plan was that I was going to take care of the baby while she went to school. I have no idea who the father was, and that wasn't brought up. It didn't seem important; I guess he wasn't involved. Bizarre.

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I'm So Anxious

6:15 p.m
That's the time of Sabrina and my appointment with John, my therapist. I am unbelievable nervous and anxious. Our last session was so upsetting. I hope and pray that we can work out our problems. I miss my daughter and granddaughters. I miss talking to Sabrina, even if she's complaining about her Job or traffic. I miss her.

I have taken WAY too much Klonopin today, but my IBS is out of control and the anxiety is unbearable. My mind has been racing, thinking of what to say and how to say it. Then I think, "Stop trying to anticipate the session. Focus on keeping calm." But there are things I need to say. I don't want a phony, superficial relationship--"How's the weather? How's the job?" etc. I want a real relationship. I don't know if it's possible. But I love my daughter and granddaughters. Please, God, let us be able to work this out.

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Another Night of Dreams

Last night was a night of more dreams (egg rolls, this time). Grandma was in the dream, as were my father and mother. I seemed to be working (again), but took some time out to go shopping at Macy's. I bought something off the sale rack, and explained how Sabrina would watch a sweater at Macy's in Albany as it went down in price to a coworker (who that was I don't know or remember). Grandma was WORKING where I was working in this dream, as were my mother and father. Go figure! I think Grandma was a supervisor, because she was giving me instructions to get a certain vitamin for my mother. I found it in a cereal, Cheerios, I think. In this dream, we were also only a out a half-hour ferry ride from France. I was very excited about that, and told my dad that they even had currency exchanges on both sides of the ferry. The USA side, of course, was a pathetic Greyhound Bus station, but the French side was modern and bustling. Still my father warned me to be cautious in my traveling. Coincidence that there is a high terrorism alert in France today, as credible sources have predicted attacks in France, Britain, Italy, and Germany, which at least France is taking seriously? I don't think so.

I liked this dream because I was with the people I love, and I haven't been with people I love and care about in a long time (the girls 1 week ago and Sabrina...) My father was ever vigilant, my mother needed meds, and Grandma oversaw it all!

The dream the night before (Saturday night) was a bit confusing to me. An Irish priest (Father Donovan?) was involved. I remember a long line of people. I remember a place like The Red Coach Inn where I lived as a freshman at university. There was also something about a book. (Guess I should have eaten more. Maybe I would have remembered more!)

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My Daughter Este

Este came out to me tonight. So crazy how everything happens for a reason. This morning I was on FB, and for "some reason," I decided to write her a message. I "came out" to her about being a Muslim, and also told her about my "issues" with Sabrina. She wrote back, and "came out" to me. She came out to her family at a basketball game because she was tired of sneaking around with her partner, M. She sort of knew how her family would react and had put it off. I know she has a gay uncle, and I gather that he is not treated well.
I was shocked to hear that her mom got physical with her--slapped Este's back so much that it scared Mark, who ran to get her grandparents. She moved out and moved in with M. in May.
With all the news about gay kids coming suicide, she was even worried about herself. She's still in school, but fights with her mom by phone everyday. If she asks for more advice, I may tell her to not talk to her mom as much, and keep it short and sweet.
I am really glad she told me, though I wasn't surprised by the news. She is such a great person. I want her to be able to talk to me, y phone or message, whenever. I wish I could make this all better for her, eventually things WILL get better for her. She will be in my prayers.

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Dreams

Dr. Phil's show yesterday was about dreams. And since I ate pizza just before going to sleep last night, I had some interesting dreams. (Eating solid food just before sleep brings on vivid dreams for me.)

The first dream I remember is that I had been traveling--in outer space, maybe?--and for some reason, I needed to inhale freon to keep breathing upon me return to earth. I know that I could gradually be weaned off it, but until I could get back to normal, I had to keep inhaling this freon in decreasingly small amounts. I was staying in a lovely hotel while I readjusted to normal breathing. But I was quite panicky when I needed to breathe more freon and I wasn't near any. My brother was in this dream, but I don't recall why. Did he go with me? Was he waiting for me to return? Don't know. My mother was also somehow involved in this dream, in a perifiral way. I DO know that I awoke around 2:30 a.m. and I was breathing rapidly, and worried about catching my breath and breathing normally.

The second dream I remember more clearly, and told me more about myself, I think. I was coming back to my previous employer, Harcourt, and I was charged with setting up an exhibition of creative works by young people. There were works by 3 young painters and by one young multimedia artist. The young artists were still working on their pieces while I gathered and printed the rubrics by which the pieces would be evaluated. The painting rubric was complete, and I was sent to check on the progress of the young painters. For some reason, I picked up a fine-point brush at each painter's easel, and I painted in darker eyes on each portrait! I actually altered each artist's work! Giles Ben Simon, a photographer, was going to judge the paintings and saw what I had done. He gave me "a look," and realizing what a horrible thing I had done, I went back to each young artist and attempted to wipe off the paint that I had placed their artwork. I also apologized profusely and told them that, although what I had done was totally unforgivable, I begged for their forgiveness, but told them that NO ONE has the right to tamper with or alter the creative work of another.

The young girl who was producing the mixed-media piece was not quite finished. In my dream, she was the 11-year-old daughter of Barabara B., who in reality has no daughters, only grown sons. There was no rubric for mixed-media pieces, but an expert was flying in from Buffalo, NY, to revise the draft rubric we had. While he worked on it, I was taking materials to the exhibition room, which was reached by passing through an elementary school that was attached to our building.

I was not very organized about the materials for this exhibition. I was attempting to carry an arm-load of skincare products to the room, and they kept falling out of my arms. I kept trying to pick them up, but they kept tumbling. Why they belonged in the room, I have no idea. The dream ended when my alarm woke me, so there was no conclusion.

When I awoke, I was truly horrified by what I had done to the paintings of the young artists, since I truly believe that NO ONE should censor one's creative works. Absolutely NO ONE! Censorship of any form runs contrary to everything I believe. What one's creative mind produces NEEDS to be released for some reason that we may not understand. I was really upset by my actions in this dream. I really need to think about what this dream means. Am I afraid that my book will be judged and criticized? Probably. But ALL books are reviewed by others, and anyone who reads a book has an opinion about the book. That doesn't change the book, only the reputation of the book and its author. Is that what I am afraid of? Funny, but my word in "French in Everyday Life" today is "la fousse," meaning "fear." "I am afraid" would be "J'ai la fousse." Perhaps that's a reason that I haven't written in a week or more. No excuses, Fatima. WRITE!!!

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New Meds

I saw Dr. Schuenemeyer yesterday morning. We had a good talk, and she gave me samples of a med to take just before bed that may help regulate my mood. It is also sedating, so I may sleep better. I took it last night; it wasn't as sedating as I feared. I did wake several times but went back to sleep right away. And I don't feel overly sleepy this morning. But I am having some coffee this morning.

I received a text from Sabrina last evening confirming our appointment for next Monday. I did not respond. She didn't respond when I notified her of the appointment, but apparently John called and talked to her yesterday, so she confirmed the appointment. I don't know if I want to meet with her again. I will discuss it with John tomorrow. I'm really afraid of another horrendous session in which I will be attacked again.

I did get my nails done yesterday, and I have to pick up food from Morgan this morning. I may even get to the musical class this morning. I have to register the car. And I would like to get my nose pierced. (!)

I didn't get to the movies with the girls yesterday. My migraine was really bad. It is a little better this morning but I still have it.

Joanne called Sunday night but I didn't check messages until last night. I tried to explain our horrible counseling session; I had texted her that I felt like John had "thrown me under the bus," so I tried to explain that to her, but I know she didn't get it. Only John now knows how bad it was/is.

I need to order Palwasha's bday present. I bought a card for her. Evalynn and Katie's gifts arrived yesterday, so I have to mail them.

Narjis asked to send my message about reading the book to the group. She thinks I write well. That's encouraging. I did tell her I was writing a book. I told Joanne, too, but didn't get much response. Something must be wrong with me; people not in my family seem to appreciate me but my family doesn't. It is painful.

Maybe those are things I should talk to John about--depression, the appointment with Sabrina, my book, how my family reacts toward me as opposed to other people. Maybe I treat my family wrong. I know I didn't explain myself well to Joanne. Who can say?

I wasted a lot of time last night playing Mahjongg. It distracted me from my headache.

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Sunday

So it's Sunday. I didn't sleep well last night. I don't know why. I kept waking up every hour or so. Around 3:30 am, I took some Klonopin. Didn't really help. Didn't feel terribly anxious, just couldn't really sleep. When that happens (which it has the past few nights), I probably should get up and say prayers and read. Except that I'm afraid that then I'll REALLY be wide awake.
Oh-oh! Ernie is puking. Wonder what his problem is. He ate his cookie this morning ok. Maybe too many potato chips or cheese puffs last night.
I read a lot in the Reading Circle book last night. I'm supposed to go today at 2 pm (it's 11:30 am now). It's a great book, but makes me so sad about the animals and how we treat them. I feel guilty about eating meat now, even fish and seafood. And I feel VERY bad about killing all those ants, because I did it in anger because they bit me when I was killing them. I know that I can't have ants in the house, but I felt revenge when I was killing them. Thar's bad and I need to ask forgiveness for that.

I "cleaned up" what I had already written on my book last night. Changed names and such. I need a literary agent. Maybe John can help me with that. I'd like to write some more, but I should read and go to the Circle. But my depression and anxiety makes me want to avoid going out, especially in groups. I"m going to dinner with the girls later. That's ok. They are going to the movies with Sabrina this afternoon. Wonder what they are seeing.

After my appointment with Dr. Schuenemeyer tomorrow morning, I was thinking that I might get my nails done and then go to the movies by myself. I'd like to see "The Social Network." However, maybe she'll put me in the hospital. Who knows? I see John again on Wednesday. Dr. Kadakia, too. I feel like I am sliding backwards in life. I just can NOT get out, except to Dr. appointments, and I've even put them off.

I got a migraine (with aura again) yesterday, and it (the migraine) came back this morning. I took meds, so I feel better, but this is the 2nd time for a migraine with aura in a week. Probably I need to see the Dr. about them. Guess I'll talk to Dr. S about it tomorrow along with everything else.

I found a pretty Native American bracelet for Palwasha online at Southwest Indian foundation. It would be nice for her BDay. They had a maple turtle fetish, too. Maybe I'll order them for her. They also had a great stacked fetish necklace with a main turquoise turtle. Too dear, though, for me.

I had been start thinking about Christmas gifts. The holiday will be here before you know it. I probably will get nothing because I'm Muslim. Sabrina should like that. But I still need to give gifts. Oh well.
O God! I hope Dr. S can do SOMETHING to help me tomorrow. SIGH.

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Can I Ever Be Normal?

Sometimes, (well, A LOT of times), I wonder if I'll ever be normal or even feel somewhat normal. I did make an attempt, a feeble one, to clean up some of the garbage in my kitchen and on the counter. But it looks like I have not even put a dent in the mess. I took out 4 bags of garbage, but I haven't touched the fridge. The dining table is piled high. That huge box of trash is still precariously perched in my living room, with the printer--unopened still--underneath it. My head scarfs are spread everywhere. I plan to fold them and put them in the plastic bins in the kitchen. Plans, plans, plans! But I just can't seem to DO anything!
So far, what have I done today besides get up and say my prayers? Well, I read and wrote from the Qur'an; and I did do a search (with a little straightening) for the journal with "Nana's Stories." And I was actually successful in finding it. But I haven't turned on the computer today to write more of my book or to do Part 3 of my life (short version) for Palwasha, or to update "Nana's Stories," or to write in my spiritual blog. At first, I really did feel a great accomplishment in finding that journal, and I have to admit that I did write quite a bit last night. I wrote Part 2 for Palwasha, and also wrote for my book, about starting school. So maybe I am being too hard on myself. At least I did SOMETHING. It's more than I've done in a while.
It's just that I HATE this depression. I feel like I have no life. Today, I should go to Qur'an study and to the Saturday evening program, and tomorrow to the Reading Circle. I did read a bit of the book for the Circle; it's good. But my eyes itch, my head (sinuses) varies on pressure every few minutes, it's difficult to focus. I know that's part of my depression--the inability to focus.
I asked the girls to go to dinner tomorrow night. I just got a message. That may be a response.
Please, God, help me to be kind to myself and not so critical. It only seems to make things worse. Sigh.

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RIP Hannah Marie

Hannah Marie passed away quietly in her sleep last night. I could tell by the way she was lying under the end table last night that she was about to cross the Rainbow Bridge. I didn't want her to die alone. So I carried her upstairs and put her into her little blue bed on the end of my bed. So she was with me and Ernie when she passed. I didn't sleep well, knowing that she was passing on. She gave a little cry a little before midnight, and then I think she crossed over. I took her to the vet so she could be cremated. I got an urn for her. I wish I could have gotten an urn for Spikey, but he has a box. I am so sad. She's been with me so long and helped me through the time after my divorce from Doug. I was glad she died at home so I didn't have to take her to the vet's. She HATED riding in the car so much.

I spent quite a while talking to Palwasha on FB today. I will try to get online in the mornings so she can talk if she needs to.

For some reason, my ATM card would not go through at ReCept Pharmacy today. So then the bank put a hols on my card. But it should be okay now, I hope.

Sabrina did respond when I sent her a text about Hannah. My sister said, that's how she wants to go. Not too much sympathy from her, but Sabrina said she was very sorry.

So, so sad.

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Talked to John

I had my appointment today with John. I gave him the letter that I had written over the weekend. It explained how I felt about the appointment with Sabrina last week. And then we talked.

John apologized for not trying to stop Sabrina's outburst at the session. But he was taken by surprise, and also felt that he needed to see the depth of her feelings. He felt that I needed to see that, too. However, I told him that I already knew about her feelings. I told him that her actions that day were very similar to how she had acted on the day they came home from vacation.

I also told John that I had always felt safe in his office, but that day I did not feel safe. We talked about my history with Sabrina, especially about how she felt when I moved to Texas. When she discussed that with John a few months ago, John said that was the only time that he had seen her "crack." Her anger with me goes quite deep, I guess.

He hasn't decided if we should meet together again just yet. He's going to think about it, and talk to her, and let me know. In the meantime, next week on Monday I will see Dr. Schuenemeyer and then I will see John on Wednesday. Our joint appointment is Monday, Oct. 18. Maybe.

I understand why he let her outburst go on that day. But I can't go through another session like that one. But John thinks that we need to establish times for me to see the girls, and figure out what kind of relationship, if any, Sabrina and I will have.

I received thank-you notes from Sabrina and Clint today. Clint also sent me a check.

I have no idea how things will turn out. But I am so depressed and anxious.

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Do I Really Want A Relationship With My Daughter?

Maybe it's my migraine today. Maybe it's just thinking about how horrible our appointment was last week. But I have been thinking about this. Do I really want to have a relationship with someone who is so disrespectful and mean to me, who has not shown that she gives a wit about me in I don't know when. Do I really want to carefully measure every word I utter? Do I really want to never be heard, to simply agree with whatever she us prattling on about? I really am tired of playing this game.

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Emotions Go Up, Emotions Gi Down

It's Saturday. It's funny. I sleep okay, probably due to my meds, but as soon as I awake, the dreaded anxiety hits me like a ton of bricks. I've had to take 1.0 before the anxiety becomes bearable. I ask myself why I am so anxious. Why do I feel so scared all the time? I haven't really taken the time to explore the question and really find out what I'm so afraid of. Maybe I should.

I am hoping and praying that I will be able to get myself out today. The Qur'an Study class meets at 5 pm, and the Saturday program begins at 7:30 pm. I know that I NEED to get out, to meet people, to make friends among believers, but my fear, anxiety, and depression seems to keep me paralyzed and trapped. I want to go to the Reading Circle tomorrow, too. Allah, please help me!

I started to re-read the letter I wrote to John last night. I see that it is a bit disjointed and needs to be better organized. But I don't know if I can deal with that just now. I have to do it before Monday, so I can drop it off and make an appointment for Sabrina and me. Having another session like the last one will just push me over the edge, I know. I can't go through that abuse again. And I somehow need to make that clear to John.

I am just so sad and depressed and feel so hopeless. I had planned on doing some cleaning today, but I just can't do anything. I did read a little. I guess that's better than just lying on the couch all day. Not much better, but a little.

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Ambushed

Yesterday was the appointment for Sabrina and me with John. It was an absolute nightmare, far worse than I could have ever imagined. Sabrina attacked and attacked, called me a liar, mocked me, belittled me, dismissed anything I had to say, and made it virtually impossible for me to explain myself because she said (screamed) that I always make excuses and it drives her crazy. She was yelling, jumping off the couch, intimidated me, and John did NOTHING. He tried to get us both to apologize and ask for forgiveness, which I did. But not Sabrina, nor would she forgive me. And then he tried to play the session as a successful first step. I beg to differ. I was intimidated, made to feel like a subhuman, and that my feelings don't matter. John started a list of "forbidden" topics. Little does he know that EVERYTHING upsets her; she can make a conflict out of anything I say. We are not supposed to talk to one another before our next session, he says next week. Bullshit. It will be at least 2 weeks before I can get an appointment.

I am so depressed over this. I have been crying non-stop; I feel like John through me under the bus as he bent over backwards to "listen" to her. I hope he sees now what I go through. I have written a letter to him which I will drop off on Monday. Someone needs to understand that I am suicidal and so depressed. And I can't wait for 10 days to see John and 2 weeks to see Dr. S. I will surely be dead by then. I am totally paralyzed by this depression. I can't leave my house. I have totally isolated myself. My house is a disaster. I don't eat anything but some junk. I am in desperate need of help of some sort, but my "health care professionals" don't seem to understand. Why can't they see? Why can't they listen to me or take me seriously? No, instead of caring about me, John tried to make out that we had a good session. If this was a good session, with Sabrina giving me a sarcastic "Have a good week" and me crying hysterically, I wonder what an unsuccessful session is.

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Depressed and Anxious

These past few days have really been a trial for me. I am so sad over Hannah's failing health. But mostly I am depressed about my non-relationship with Sabrina. We have our meeting with John tomorrow. We actually had a decent text conversation tonight. Apparently she had a great job interview today. I pray she gets the job. I knows she really hates her current job.

I really need to call Dr. S. I do worry about hurting myself. My self worth is so low, and I am really afraid that if Sabrina and I can't work things out, I will not be able to recover. I haven't been this depressed ever. I don't clean or even bother to pick up anything. I don't even keep myself clean. I can't even make myself get out of the house to do things I like to do. I know I need help.

Allah, please help me!

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A Movie And A Snub

I took the girls to the movies tonight
We saw "Easy A," and it was a great movie. It did spark conversation amongst us about STDs and about high school in general. The girls love high school and love Pep Squad. They have made friends, and, I didn't realize this, but they get credit for it as an elective. They both auditioned for a special dance routine and they were both accepted and performed the routine at their Pep Rally this past week.

I asked them if there were any boys they liked. Jackie said "no," but Cassie has 2 boys she is interested in from her classes. One--Adam, I think--even knows she exists. So cute.

Now for the snub. Even though Sabrina was home when I picked the girls up and when I brought them home, but she did not come downstairs to say "hi" either time. How else am I to take that? I don't believe that she really wants to have a relationship with me. Really, I don't. And it hurts like Hell.

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Jury Duty and Allergies

Yesterday I had jury duty at JP #2. We were dismissed by 10:30 a.m. No cases to try.

Today was another bad allergy day. Migraine and PAIN! Took so much meds. Tomorrow is our Reading Circle. Then I plan to take the girls to the movies. We are going to see "Easy A." It got good reviews.

I did read a little too today in my Sister Fidelma book. It is quite a complicated plot.

I hope the Reading Circle and book are good.

I'm awfully tired tonight. Going to bed early. So sad about Hannah

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What A Wasted Day!

Where did this day go? What a waste! I just camped out on the couch and played trivia games, because my allergies are still bad. I did read a couple of chapters in my Sister Fidelma book. I loaded too many things onto my phone.

I should have written some of my book. Last night I drafted an outline for a book about my journey toward Islam. John had once mentioned that maybe I should try my hand at writing. I wondered, "What would I write about?" and then I remembered someone once said to write about what you know. I don't think that I have the imagination to come up with a novel. So maybe someone might be interested in how a woman born into a Catholic family in a small upstate New York city became a Muslima. But I only have an outline at this point.

Allergies were so bad again that I couldn't even make it to OASIS for my play-reading class. How disappointing. Tomorrow I HAVE to go out to jury duty.

Hannah was very quiet today. Still drinking water only, not eating. She was in bed last night already when I went to bed.

I would like to go to the Masjid tonight for Salaat, but I will more than likely not get my act together to go.

Joanne sent me a new photo of Evalynn. She is growing quickly. I forwarded it to Sabrina and the girls. I also posted it on Facebook.

I need to eat something.

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Two Nasty Days in a Row

Allergies have been TERRIBLE for the past 2 days. Molds have been outrageously high, and so has ragweed. But at least today was better than yesterday. I thank God for small favors.

I had planned to call Morgan this morning and get my nails done, but as I was checking my emails on my phone, I got an aura. Rats! So I took a Maxalt right away. Good thing; it helped hold off the really bad pain. So I spent most of the day lying on the couch, and I also read the Qur'an. I need to get back to studying Islam online; I got an email from them today asking what happened to me. The Islamic Center has Islam 101 class tonight, but I'm not going.

Today is Play Reading class: I can hardly wait! I missed the 1st class on the American Musical yesterday because I felt so terrible.

Hannah has been rather quiet today. She's drinking a lot of water, but not eating. Even her cry is starting to sound weak. I feel so bad. I guess I will call the vet on Monday.

Friday I have jury duty at the JP--again. Seems like I was just there, but at least it's not downtown. And maybe I won't be selected for a jury this time.

It's been raining hard off and on all day. And it's supposed to stay like this for several more days. Good for the crops, I guess.

Haven't heard from Sabrina since Monday. I did make some notes about our contacts lately. I don't see John until next Tuesday, unfortunately.

Guess I should make something to eat. I've got hot dogs and turkey, and short ribs, too, but I need to buy a dish to bake them in. I could get a free pizza; I have enough points, but I'd like to stay away from gluten. What to do?

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I Feel So Sad

I took Ernie to the groomer this morning and he looks great. But I bought some canned food for Hannah, in hopes that she would eat. But she hasn't touched it. She has a weak, pained cry. She stumbled on the stair this morning when she caught her claw on the rug. I know she is not well and I am so sad. Wednesday I will call the vet. I'll have money then. But she may not come home. It's hard to go through this with no one to talk to.

I sort of went a little nuts last night, thinking about my ill-treatment and disrespect by Sabrina. I feel so bad that she hasn't called me. I even feel angry with the girls, who don't call except when they want me to do something like drive them around.

I was so angry, that I wished I were dead so maybe Sabrina and the girls would be sorry for the way they treated me. I know that is crazy behavior. But I am so sick of being disrespected and then asked to help with something. No one cares if I don't feel well or if I'm lying dead somewhere. I am SO depressed. My house is a disaster. How am I going to survive this rejection?

I feel so alone and so sad. I don't know what to do.

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Sinus Problems and The Ungrateful Bitch

I have discovered why I have not felt well all week. When I was praying this morning, I could feel the sinus pain when I bowed and prostrated. Then I had terrible pain in the bones under both my eyes, right on the cheekbones. I guess that I have a sinus infection. Rats. So I will have to call the doctor tomorrow after I take Ernie to the groomer.

It was raining all day, so I didn't go to the Eid Festival. I had sent Sabrina an email inviting her and the girls, but never heard back. She has not contacted me since a week ago Saturday except to ask when our appointment with John was, and then to say "ok" when I rescheduled the appointment. So all is NOT well between us. I really almost wish I were dead. That is the only way she will really understand that she only has 1 mother, and her husband is a bastard to intimidate her into not having contact with her mother. We definitely have to talk to John. I have decided that I am NOT going to be servant, chauffeur, whatever, simply because she was nice enough to call me once in a month. She has still not apologized for throwing me out of her house, nor thanked me for house-sitting for her or carting her kids around. Also that bastard she married was quick to cash my check, but has never replied to my email nor thanked me. Yes, I am mad as hell. I am sick and tired of being used and abused, and taken advantage of. I feel like she can REALLY do without me, if that's what she wants. She can't "throw me a bone" with 1 phone call during which she complained the entire time about her job. I AM DONE, you ungrateful bitch!

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Why Am I Still So Depressed?

I am still depressed and anxious. Not as bad as yesterday or the day before, but still had IBS this morning and headache (rebound from the hydrocodone?). I have not had a call from Sabrina in a week. She didn't even call on Thursday when I rescheduled our appointment with John because I felt awful. I would have hoped that she would have called to see how I was feeling, but she's just not that type of daughter. She and I are so distant. I wonder how she really reacted to John's diagram of her belonging to 2 families. I don't think she sees it that way. I think she believes 1 family and that is her nuclear family. She really doesn't care about extended family, even immediate extended family. No, that's not entirely true. She cares about her half-sister and keeps in touch with her father, but she comes to me when she is in trouble or needs help. But unless I'm needed, I might as well be living on the moon. I'm not on her radar. It was true before Clint came along.

The summer I moved down here from Austin and stayed for a bit at her house, it was fine that I house-sat while she went away for a week, but when she starting going out with Kris, she wanted me out immediately. It wasn't as if I was in her way. I stayed in Cassie's room when she came home from work and bought food, and cleaned. I think she wanted Kris to stay over and didn't want me there. She HAS to have a man! Bottom line. That's her priority.

And on it goes. I am apparently just waiting for her to call and help her with something. But help me? Heaven forbid! When I first moved in here at Providence, she was going to come over and help me unpack and get my house set up a couple times a week. But she met Clint and has NEVER come over to help, even when I asked for help in moving some furniture, she had never come. Now it's been 3 years, and my house is a filthy, cluttered mess, and I wish I had the energy and motivation to clean it up, but I don't. The girls would help (for pay, since they get no allowance), but I'm embarrassed by the condition of my place and live in fear that management will find out how bad it is and evict me. As a Muslim, I should be keeping everything very clean, especially with a dog that I technically shouldn't have as a Muslim, but I never feel good and never have energy nor motivation to clean. (Also it's difficult, but I can NOT let Ernie go. Sort of like how Catholics all practice birth control but shouldn't.) I looked at my place yesterday and realized I can barely walk in here, to say nothing of the animal hair everywhere. And I am sad and depressed over Hannah, whom I know is slowly dying. If I take her to the vet, it will cost a fortune and I know they can't help her really anyway. She has lost so much weight and isn't eating. So sad. She is 17 1/2 years old and lived a good life. I can't fight her to give her meds every day for the rest of the time she has left. I just want to love her until it's time for her to go across the Rainbow Bridge.

So I'm sad and depressed and anxious. I don't feel well, and miss my daughter. I wish she missed me.

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A "Sick Day"

I feel awful today. I was unbelievably tired this morning, even though I went to bed relatively early last night. Ernie slept with me on the bed all night. I think he was still groggy from the anesthesia. I was able to carry him out to pee before bed. Then we both crashed.

On the way home from the vet yesterday, I had a nasty headache, which I thought was because I hadn't eaten much. We stopped at McDonald's and got some food on the way home, and I also ate some apple pie.

I had an awful time getting up this morning. When I woke up and took my meds, I crawled back into bed (for just a few minutes, I thought), but it was close to 8 a.m. when I woke again. Later this morning, I started with a sick stomach and a headache again. I've taken Frova and Pepto-Bismal, but I still feel awful. Even worse, I had to reschedule Sabrina and my appointment with John until the 30th. Rats. I haven't seen her in nearly 4 weeks. I miss her.

I also missed my tutor refresher course at OASIS. I was looking forward to that. The Rhodes tutor breakfast is tomorrow. I hope I feel well enough for that.

I got an email notice from my bank that I was overdrawn. So I quickly transferred money this morning. I didn't realize that my old renter's insurance company had dented my account, so I called and cancelled that policy. I was able to get a policy with GEICO for double the insurance for less than half the cost.
Ernie is still not feeling great. He took his antibiotics last night and ate some yogurt and a cookie. He didn't want his cookie until this afternoon. I gave him some yogurt around noon, but haven't given him the antibiotics. I'll try a little later. He's been sleeping most of the day.

I know something is wrong with Hannah. She's not eating and has lost a lot of weight. She is drinking a lot, though. Probably she has diabetes like Tilda Lou. I feel sad. Maybe I will see if she will eat moist food. I'll get some tomorrow.

I just wish Sabrina would talk more to me and wish I could see her.

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A Difficult Day, So Far

Well, it has not been a good day thus far. I got a call from the vet around 10:30. Ernie was under anesthesia, and she cleaning his teeth when she discovered that he has a fractured jaw! Good grief! She said that this is not uncommon among these small breeds because their front bone in their jaws is very thin. He also has several teeth that need to be extracted, but she wasn't sure she would take them out now since it might destabilize the jaw. She was going to take X-rays and consult with a vet dentist. They may have to fix it with wire, or they may do nothing. I am in shock. I am upset. Poor Ernie. What will happen?

Then I went to my appointment with John. He went over what he and Sabrina had discussed. He did tell her that she needed to tolerate my dress, unless my wearing something at school upset the girls. And now for the upsetting part. He feels that I should understand that I probably should not be around Clint. If I want to see Sabrina and/or the girls, I should arrange to go to the house when he isn't home. Sabrina felt that many "surprises" were thrust upon them when they got home from vacation: Pako in quarantine, my being bit; they (Clint and Sabrina) felt I had caused chaos. John thinks I should not try to contact Clint at all, but he does want to mention to Sabrina that I had messaged Clint and "apologized," but he never responded to me. I feel upset, because I really don't know what I have done that made him detest me so, but apparently he does. I am such a "people-pleaser" that it upsets me that apparently I annoy others and that my son-in-law hates me. John is concerned that the girls are seeing this (and hearing disparaging comments from him--I make it a point to never criticize him to them).

So now I'm dreading our appointment tomorrow. I really don't want to hear bad things about me. I am also afraid that my lack of contact with Sabrina will continue, since he wants her around when he wants her, which is all the time.

On the way home from dropping Ernie off, Cassie called and they want me to pick them up early, because they want to go get something to eat. OK.

I guess I should call the vet and see how Ernie is doing.

What a day!

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Anxiety and Ernie's Teeth, Among Other Anxieties

Tomorrow is teeth-cleaning day for Ernie, and I am quite anxious. It was a little over 8 years ago that my darling Schnauzer Allie died suddenly during a routine teeth-cleaning procedure. I know that this is a very rare occurrence, this is not the same vet, Ernie is a little younger than Allie was, and the chances of something terrible happening is very slim, but I know bad things can happen. Therefore, I am nervous. I think about Allie's death even when I'm giving Ernie his antibiotics to combat any infection that may occur. It's good that Ernie has no idea of what's coming. He'll be upset when I leave him at the vet tomorrow morning, but he will not be awake very long, because they do surgeries first thing, before regular appointments begin.

I also see John tomorrow before Sabrina and I see him on Thursday. (I swear that she never listens to me. She texted me this afternoon and thought our appointment was tomorrow.) There is so much I need to ask him about: the Eid Festival, the program explaining that Islam is a religion of peace, the loan repayment reminder, spending time with Sabrina (did John talk to her about that during his session with her last week?), etc. Plus I haven't felt well today; I had a slight fever today. Hope I'm okay tomorrow. I was going to try to get my nails done, but then I decided against it because I didn't want to rush.

Jackie called last night and the girls want to go to a volleyball game tomorrow after school. So I guess things are getting back to "normal," whatever "normal" is in my relationship with Sabrina. I have always told her that I don't mind driving the girls for her. I understand how difficult it is to be a working mom. But I really do want to be treated with respect by her. She has no control over Clint and how he feels about me, but she can respect me as her mother and not bully me or demand I be or do with my life what she wants. She certainly can ASK Clint to show me some respect, if our paths cross. Those are some of the things I want to talk to her about with John. I'm VERY glad she finally called me, but she really does owe me an apology,and a thank-you, though I'm not going to push it.

I did not get to Tai Chi yesterday nor to Geneology On-Line today. But I really need to get to the OASIS Tutor Refresher course on Thursday. I also want to get to the Islam 101 class tomorrow night (if it is on) and Salaat and Dual Komeyl on Thursday night. Then Rhodes is having their Volunteer Breakfast Friday morning and then I need to go to Juma' and the Friday evening program at the Masjid. I suppose that it is good to be busy and have things to do, but it's my nature as a rather reclusive person to be a bit nervous, anxious, and pressured when I have so much scheduled. I wish I weren't this way, but I am.

I also HAVE TO install that printer that has been sitting in my house since the Spring, and try to figure out Skype so that I can see and talk to Palwasha. Those things make me nervous, too. I always anticipate things will go well, but there is always a glitch.

Well, I need to eat, pray, and sleep. I had a terrible time getting up this morning. Maybe because I wasn't feeling well. I hope things go better tomorrow morning, since we have to leave to go to the vet by 7 a.m., InshAllah.

That's where I am right now.

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Grandparents' Day

Yesterday I had lunch with my granddaughters at Red Lobster, their favorite restaurant. They wished me a happy Grandparents' Day; I didn't know there was such a thing. We ordered so much food! Jackie said we were making up for lost time, since we hadn't been able to see each other for 4-5 weeks. I was not able to see them after I got thrown out of their house because of the crazy dog-bite/quarantine incident. And I hadn't seen them for over a week prior since they were on the cruise.

It was so nice to hear them tell me their impressions of high school. They certainly like high school better than middle school. Middle school is truly hell on earth. They love being on the Silverbelles, the Pep Squad. They performed for the first time Saturday night at the football game. They really take their commitment to the Silverbelles seriously. They were very critical of the girls who chatted and didn't pay attention during the game, and those who didn't stand properly on the field while they were waiting to begin. They really take their positions on the squad seriously.

I stayed at the house for a while when I took them home. (Sabrina and Clint were still out eating somewhere; they wouldn't tell the girls where when they asked--odd.) So we talked about the music they like. Jackie "discovered" Arrowsmith, and Cassie likes Motown because she can make up little dances to songs like "Mr. Postman" and "Dancin' in the Street." So funny how they like "the Oldies." Cassie's dances were really cute. And rocker Jackie played me her favorite Arrowsmith songs. It was a great visit.

I had missed them so much. Being with them always cheers me. It was a fabulous Grandparents' Day.

They want to earn money, so I told them that they can help me for pay around my apartment: taking out the trash, maybe vacuuming, etc. They were happy about that. Apparently they no longer get an allowance, and Clint and Sabrina both "borrow" money from them! So they say. Odd.

Anyway, I am one happy Nana. :-)

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My Best Eid Gift

Yesterday morning I really received the best Eid gift I could have ever hoped to really received: a phone call from my daughter. She sounded a bit tentative at first, as if she were worried about what I would say. But I kept to kindness and the happiness I felt. I know it was not easy for her to make that call.

I had last called her Friday night and asked her to PLEASE call: life is too short for us to be estranged. We made a little small-talk, and she then talked at length about problems at work. I listened and sympathized because I know she is good at her job and she works in a very high-pressure situation. Her boss is very demanding and picky. She is criticized for ridulous things, even when she is following his directives. I hope she looks for another job where she will be better appreciated.

She has been taking the girls to Marshall HS to catch their bus, but plans to complain to the district. because the bus is always late, and they are always late for school. She usually picks them up after school, since they have practice for Pep Squad every day. On Friday morning, the local Fox TV channel's weatherman was at Holmes for their pep rally. I saw a little of it, but then left at 7:45 a.m. for Eid prayers. But Sabrina said they taped it all, so I hope they will let me come over to watch and see them. Sabrina said that they do their dances well and enjoy the Pep Squad.

We did not speak about what happened 3 weeks ago, except I said that I had heard from Cassie that the vet had cut Pako's nails while he was in quarantine. Indeed they had and this surprised Sabrina because the last time he was there, they couldn't get the muzzle on him so they could clip them. That was the only reference to the incident. I was a little disappointed that she did not apologize, but that's okay for now. I asked if Clint had gotten his graduation card (although I knew he had, since he had cashed the check the next day). She replied that he had. No thank you, however. She did thank me for her birthday gift. I also told her that I needed, for legal reasons, to remind them that they hadn't made a payment on their loan since June. She said that she had reminded Clint, but she would remind him again. No excuses; that was good. But I will have to send an email Monday week if there is no payment by the weekend. I know I need a paper trail.

We both had lost power last night, just for 5 minutes or so. (But to confirm how such small things set him off into an angry tirade,) she said that he came very angry, saying that they were going to a hotel. (Apparently, he had some work to do.) But the smallest thing sets him off. I doubt that he really listens to her problems from work, and so I want to be there for her to vent her frustrations.

I asked if she and the girls would like to go to brunch this weekend, but she said they had housework to do on Saturday, and then the girls had to go to the football game Saturday night (Holmes won against O'Connor, so they are still the only NISD high school football team still undefeated:close score; must have been a good game). Then on Sunday, she said, they (I assume, she and Clint) had "a shop" to do. Maybe next weekend, she said. I told her that was fine, that the Masjid was having a picnic but it hadn't been decided whether Saturday or Sunday, or where (it is today at Canyon Lake).

So I did thank Allah after salaat for the answer to my prayers. I know we are on a long journey to reconnect. On Thursday, we will see John. I will try to "kill her with kindness," but I also know that she can no longer bully me and demand how I live my life. And as I told Allah in my prayers last night, I am so happy that my daughter is speaking to me again, but when it comes to whom to please, I still choose Allah.

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Where Did Hermine Come From?!

We have had one of the worst tropical storms ever today. Torrential downpours all day. Over 3 inches of rain already and it's not over yet, so say the meterorolgists. More rain is predicted for tomorrow. But I like the rain. I would rather it rain than be hot and sunny. Maybe it's my depression that makes me love the rain so. I read the Qur'an all day. I even volunteered to read a Sura for the Valley Green Masjid for their Qur'an reading.
While I was reading, I read today Sura Noor (Light). This is the Sura that talks about modest dress and hijab. I plan to take the Qur'an with me when I see John, to show him why this is so important to me. I really want him to understand that this is not just an arbitrary thing with me. If I really want to follow God's teachings, then I should follow all of it, no matter what my daughter wants. (That part is in there, too.) I guess God was confirming for me what I already knew.

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