Another Darned Work Dream

I had another darned work dream last night, or rather early this morning. It had to do with the New York City Schools and the fact that the "old" regime of Carolyn and Ken and Mary had moved on and Greg Fryc was now in charge of the operation in a very well-appointed office. It really was beautiful. I was wondering how he got the Department to spring for all the money it must have cost to renovate his office. Then we were in New York City at the schools visiting the schools on an audit. There had been some bad things going on there but the Catholic schools had gotten things under control somehow. It was a not unpleasant dream. I didn't feel pressured as if I couldn't do my job. I felt comfortable in my job and excited to be working there. I actually did feel excited to be working there most of the time I worked there. I liked it. Not like Doug who hated working there. I feel like I made a contribution to the schools while I was there and did something good. That's how I felt when I woke from my dream, too.

Things I'm Afraid to Blog About

In my other online blog, the question the other day was to list five things you were afraid to blog about. One of those things was my relationship with my daughter. The reason is because I have blogged about it and she saw it and became angry. I shouldn't have blogged about it online where she could see it and I've taken down the blog from Facebook so that she can no longer see my blogs, but the damage has been done. However I am still afraid to blog about this and about my son-in-law on my online blog even though they are too lazy to go look up my blog and see what I'm up to.


My relationship with my daughter is non-existent at this point. She has not spoken to me nor called me nor even really texted me except to have a couple of texting wars since August. She put in a pool at her house and I had to find out about it from my sister who found out through Facebook. She and I have had an email "war" over her loan (Clint has been involved with that too) since their loan is due today and they have still not signed their loan extension. They don't understand why they should have to sign a loan extension. They have only been paying $200 a month but it's my fault because I don't cash the checks fast enough. I told them that $200 wasn't enough because it would take another 5 years for them to pay me back. Clint said they could pay more if I would cash the checks faster. Does that make sense? They have still not responded to my extension of the promissory note. They seem to have blown me off, almost like they want me to take them to court. But I can't because I would lose so much money. They can go on vacation and buy a pool but can't pay me. 


I asked her if we could get together every couple of weeks, just her and I, to have brunch and talk. She agreed. We'll have our first brunch in a week from Saturday. I plan to bring up the loan. We have to be able to talk about real things. I don't appear to be a priority in their lives. At least I have been able to see the girls recently. I wanted to see them Saturday to have them help me put Ernie's tag on his collar but they said they couldn't. It would have only taken 5 minutes. It annoys me when that happens. 


Clint's birthday is coming up. I suppose that I should ask Sabrina what to get him for his birthday even though I don't want to get him anything. He hates me and I don't care much for him. I don't know him well enough to know what to get him. I really do want to try to get along with them but I don't think they want to get along with me. I think they wish I would go away. Maybe I should when the girls are gone. I don't really feel like I belong anywhere. It's sad.

Another Dream and More

I had a strange dream last night. It was about going to shops and one had something to do with sexual things. I was drawn to the sexual shop for some reason but then tried to avoid it. Kathleen from Harcourt was in the dream as was Danielle Tibbits, who were also pulled into this shop. We had to try to avoid these stores when we were doing our business. This is a very ambiguous description but the dream seems to be leaving my memory so it is vague in my recollection.

I would like to invite Sabrina to see "The Help" and go to brunch next weekend. The girls come home on the 18th and I hope that I can go with Sabrina to pick them up. I will ask her if Clint isn't going, if maybe I can go. Then I's like to take the girls to Kohl's over the weekend to buy some school clothes. I hope we can get things back to normal and Sabrina and I can get along better.

Anxiety-Ridden Sunday

I have a lot of anxiety today. I don't really know why. Maybe because I think Sabrina doesn't want to do things with me. Maybe because I feel very much alone. Maybe because yet another doctors's office has messed up the billing of my health insurance.

I got a lovely thank you note from Joey today that Danielle had made. It was so cute. It makes me homesick for New York. Especially today when I feel all alone.

I have to call one of the parents today (at least one) to try to fit in a visit this week. I'd like to visit before court in case I am asked any questions. I should take a shower and write down my questions for the parents and call them to arrange visits.

I'm worried about paying off the bill at the Chicago School. It was folly to take classes there. For what? To prove I could? I guess that's why I did it. So now at my age I have college loans to pay off. Stupid.

I should go to CVS to get my prescriptions but I don't feel like going out. I think I'll just take a shower and read and work on my CASA case. And try not to think about Sabrina.

Last Night's Dream

Last night's dream combined a lot of situations. First, we had just administered a test to Texas children (TAKS) and there was some alarm that many of the answers came out to be "a." That was because the project directors had not randomized the key until very late in the game. Pat Fitzgerald was upset because our bosses were upset and I had to explain what had happened.

Then we (Pat and I) were traveling over the mountains to the city and stopped at the home of my father's cousin Marie to find she had died. My mother was with us. We left a pie and straightened up a bit as we knew someone would be coming back to the house. We missed the funeral which was held the day after her death. My mother was fretting about something, but I didn't want to hear it. I remember standing on a car and a basket to hang sometime up for work. I also make the remark that we were in the hamlet of Hamlet. The Kreigers lived nearby. Then I awoke.

Memorial Day Update

It's Memorial Day weekend and I have a terrible sore throat. Tomorrow I'm supposed to go to a barbeque at Sabrina's house with the Hahns. It was nice of Sabrina to invite me to the barbeque. I hope I feel okay enough to go. I have to get to the pharmacy sometime today or tomorrow. I need to buy stuff and get my prescriptions but I don't feel like going today because I have a fever and feel yucky. There has not been much to write about on my blog lately. The global warming prompt could be answered in about 3 sentences and my answer was not much longer than that. Maybe I'll take some meds and read my book and rest. Maybe that will help it go away.

Monday I am taking the girls to the movies and shopping. I want them to have nice casual clothes to go to California and on vacation with. So we will go to Kohl's after the movies on Monday. I'm glad I can do that for them. I just pray that I hear from them while they are away. I have a fear that they will forget about me and are happier being with other people than with me. I realize that is a ridiculous fear, but it's still a fear that I have. I try so hard to find things they will like to do. I want them to be happy. I know they'll have a good time this summer but I will miss them so much.

An Apology

I decided to try to apologize to Sabrina on my blog to try to make up to her the hurt I caused her by posting things that were unkind. I seems like the right thing to do. Ayesha is also right about being patient with her and kind and gentle. I have a lot to learn about personal relationships. Maybe that's why I have so few. I feel very anxious today and wish I felt more normal. I feel sad because the girls are leaving so soon and I may not even see them next weekend because they are going to the Hahns. I don't begrudge their spending time with the Hahns. At least they are going to church and having fun with Ashley and Candace. But I would like to see them, too. Yesterday was weird. Jackie was sick and didn't talk much and neither did Cassie. I don't know what was wrong. They didn't eat much either. I feel sad and anxious. I hope this doesn't continue all day.

Like De Ja Vu

Sabrina is so much like my mother that I can't stand it, Even the things she says that she couldn't possibly know. For example, I have said "I''m sorry" about the blogging until I can't even same the words any more. I have asked her to forgive me. All I get is "You're not sorry, or you wouldn't have done it." EXACTLY want my mother would say. I have asked for her forgiveness and said I will not blog about her again (although I did) and she won't forgive me. She hung up on me last week and I haven't heard from her since. She screams and cries when she's angry like my mother did.

She is so much like my mother that I can't believe it. It's like reliving my teenage and young adult years. My mother, I could have chalked it up to menopause, but Sabrina is just unbalanced. John is right. She needs to see a therapist on her own. She just refused to open up to a therapist or anyone. It eats her up inside. I know because she's told me. She can't sleep and overeats, and screams some more. She doesn't seem to be a happy person. That makes two of us.

How she can refuse to help her mother with medical things is beyond me. But my sister did the same to my mother. She got more criticism from my mother and couldn't deal with it. She feels differently now that my mother is gone, but she still hurts from my mother's criticism. The difference is that I criticized her on a blog which was more public and my pride got involved. I gave them my blog address and put it on Facebook which is where she saw things. Some of my old, private posts from this blog are on there, too, and that was what was really bad. Why I moved those blogs I'll never know. I guess I just wanted to keep things in one place. And I asked her to read the blogs because I was proud of them and they got good comments.

I moved my blog and I may lose hits and friends I've made on the blog. But that's a small price to pay for privacy from Sabrina and allow me to write and not antagonize her. Of course I could just blog my private thoughts here, but sometimes the prompts are related to family. I feel I have to write. It's what I do.

I feel like cutting. I suppose I should tell John or Dr. S. But I have put it off and that's good, I guess. I just have trouble believing that she wants nothing to do with me. I have thought about moving but I'm here for another year. I was determined to go to class yesterday but the intestinal problems prevented it. I was very upset. Could it be cooked onions that are doing this? I have to ask my doctor. I only took one bit and all hell broke loose.

I've thought about moving, but to where? I have to go to relatives to help but it's hard to find a residential community in Utica that will take pets and I won't leave my pets. Albany-Schenectady would be better but I have no one there. I could start over there and try to make friends again. They have a decent masjid. I think Utica has only two, one Sunni and one Shia, and I wouldn't be as accepted. Plus in Albany I'd be nearer to the city. I can't believe I'm thinking seriously about moving. I want to be near the ocean but you aren't in New York. I would hate to leave John and Dr. S.

I feel so awful about Sabrina. I ruined our belated Mother's Day. Having a daughter like my mother is like my worst nightmare. I know she won't help me with my medical issues. How cruel. How selfish. I spoiled her rotten, I fear. I did everything she wanted when she was growing up. She could do no wrong. And yet she did, and I didn't do much about it. So it really is my fault. I should have been a more firm mother. Like she is with her girls.

But I know the girls are not thrilled with Clint, from what Cassie said when we pulled up at the house yesterday and saw his truck. I guess part of me doesn't want them to accept him because I don't. As he said we don't know each other, so how came we criticize each other. But I know him enough to know that he is controlling, arrogant, and domineering. Apparently that's what she wants. Someone to take over and make the decisions. I can see how she feels that way. She is more outgoing than I am and doesn't like to be alone. Most people are not like me. I'm the odd one out.

I can't leave here. The dogs need to be here. I can't even think about going to the snow and cold of New York. I know my sister wants me there, but how can I go back to such a provincial place? There's so much that's not there. You don't understand it until you've been away and seen the rest of the world.

I am so sad and so depressed about Sabrina. I keep thinking she'll come around but I don't think she will. She is incredibly stubborn. She can hold out longer than I can. I just have to get more involved with other people and activities. Make friends that can help me. Joanne would never move here because of her grandchildren and daughters. I am scared of not making friends. I don't make friends easily. I am basically shy but too "New York" for people here. And Muslims are so involved with family and I have no family to support me. Maybe that's why I like Muslims. They are so involved with their families. Will I be able to fit in the Muslim community? Maybe I'll give it a year and see what transpires.

Saturday

We're off to the movies today. We're going to se "Something Borrowed." I can't wait to see the girls again. It's been two weeks and I miss them so. I feel so stupid for putting my blog on Facebook and even feel guilty for writing what I feel I want to write. The stupidest thing was importing my private blog into my published blog. I didn't remember what I had written and never thought anyone would go back through my blogs and comb through them for dirty things I had said. Sabrina is totally obsessed with the blogs now. Weeks ago she wouldn't even acknowledge that I wrote blogs. Suddenly she found something that she didn't like and went hunting for other "bad" things. She won't accept my apology, so I am through apologizing. I can only say I'm sorry so many times and hitting my head against the wall so many time when I know it's time to give it up. Going back to New York seems like a good idea but not right now. I would miss the girls too much. I may go back when they finish high school.

I'm glad Sabrina has found someone she loves, but he is so controlling and domineering. I should respond to his email and thank him for his concerns. Kill him with kindness, as it were. He wouldn't leave his mother in a lurch the way he is encouraging Sabrina to with my medical problems. She can't have a conversation with me without his being there and telling her what to say. That's controlling. At least I can see the girls. I would be more depressed if I couldn't see them. I hope Chris doesn't try to keep them in California, although I wouldn't be surprised if he does, especially if they tell him what Clint is like. If I were Chris, I wouldn't like it.

I just have to learn to make new friends and find people who can help me when I need them. I need to go to the masjid and classes and make friends. I wish there was more interaction at the masjid with people. Of course, I have to get there. Yesterday was so disappointing that I had a migraine and it wouldn't go away. I just have to get myself out to things and learn to live without Sabrina.

Blogging

I was having such a good time blogging on wordpress until I decided to post my blogs on Facebook. I never dreamed that Sabrina would actually read my blogs (she must not hav much to do). Since she started to read my blogs I feel that I can't say what I want to say with censoring myself so that she doesn't get upset which still doesn't work because she gets upset even when I try to say things to not make her upset. I think I will write what I want on this blog and maybe that will help me feel better. Except I can get no feedback from other people, and that's something I like. Maybe I'll start another blog and write on that one. I have to do something. I can't keep censoring myself when the idea was to get my ideas out of my head. I tried to take my blog down from Facebook today but I couldn't uncheck it. I want to go back to my old way.

Holidays

I am beginning to really dislike holidays, especially days like today, Mother's Day. I always feel left out, all lone, rejected. Sabrina doesn't seem to get it that I would really like to spend some time with her on holidays. I believe that she doesn't like me. If she did, she would do something nice for me for the holiday. She's always too busy to pay attention to me. I wish there were some way I could stop feeling this way and just face the fact that she isn't going to care about me. She gets upset at things I say in my blog. Maybe I should take it down from Facebook and then she wouldn't see it. She's too lazy to look it up on the blog sight. I feel I can't say anything I want to in my blog because she'll see it and then there will be trouble. I think I will take it down and then there wouldn't be so much trouble. I feel just so bad that she doesn't care about me. I've tried to do nice things for her but she doesn't care. I just feel so much of an outcast.

Church

I don't know what to think about Sabrina going to church on Easter with the Hahns. Whenever I would ask her to go to church with me, she would get mad and tell me how much she hated church and it was so boring. So she wouldn't even go on Christmas or Easter. I'm glad she went to church this week and Mrs. Hahn could get her to go when I couldn't. It would be good for the girls to go to church. They could join a youth group and it would be a way for Sabrina and Clint to make friends. I hope they go back again. I think it would be good for them.

Diappointing Brunch on Sunday

Sabrina, the girls, and I went to brunch on Sunday. It was rather quick, less than an hour. It felt rushed, too. Kind of like we were just doing it to get it over. That was disappointing. The girls were not in a very good mood. That's what I like most about going to brunch--the girls interaction with everyone. Sabrina was just in a big hurry. It was weird.

I got an email from Clint about the loan. He suggested we go out to lunch on a Saturday or Sunday after they get back from their vacation to talk about it. He admitted money has been tight with Sabrina losing her job but she got sevrence pay and they are going on vacation so things can't be that tight. He also mentioned that he wanted to talk to me about "a couple of other things." I wonder what that means. What does he want to talk to me about? It can't be good. And why does Sabrina want me to talk to him rather than her? If he tells me that they can't pay it back I'm going to have a hissy fit. He may also want to tell me to butt out of their business with the girls. They think I'm filling the girls' heads with bad things about them. I will admit that i had a melt-down over Christmas when we went to see that awful movie "Tron." I did behave badly that day and I regret that. 

Sabrina still has not made an appointment with the psychotherapist.We really need to go to see someone if we are ever going to get over our problems. I have given  her all the information she needs. I don't know why she won't make the appointment. 

I have a migraine today (rats) but I wish I knew what Clint wants to talk about. I am anxious about what he wants to talk about besides paying me back the loan. I am being very generous by offering to let them have another year to pay back the loan. But they have to make regular payments, which they did at first but haven't done recently.

I hate having to talk to him about money and whatever else he wants to talk about. I really am very anxious about all this.

Dream on a ship

I dreamed I was on a cruise. I don't know where we were going, but I was feeling like I had betrayed someone. Sabrina was a little girl. My parents and grandparents were there.  I was worried that someone was betrayed.

Sometimes I Do Such Stipid Things

Sabrina knows that I have been in contact with Chris McNally and his family. That has not made her too happy. She feels they are nothing to me and I shouldn't have anything to do with them. It upsets her that I send birthday checks for their birthdays. Last week or so I happened to mention that Chris was coming home on a certain day, and she asked how I knew. I told her Susanne had messaged me on Facebook. That set her off. She said, "How would you like it if I started to have a friendship with Doug?" Actually it wouldn't bother me. He means nothing to me and if she wanted to have a friendship with him, fine by me.

Anyway, I sent a name game to people where you take the first letter of your last name and then answer a series of questions or objects that start with that letter. Stupid me. Instead of "Sabrina" for "a girl's name," I used "Susanne." Sabrina sent it back to me with the comment, funny how you picked the name "Susanne." Dumb, dumb, dumb. I set her off even when I don't mean to. I wrote in my other blog which gets published on Facebook about a time I was "on-fire." I chose the dog-bite incident. That set her off. I had no idea she was reading so carefully everything I write, but apparently she is. She remembers the incident very differently than I do. She remembers returning home to a trashed house and a dog in quarantine. She remembers being upset with me. I wrote about the incident in rather general terms than the whole drawn out story. But it was enough to set her "on-fire."

So unfortunately I have to be very careful how I word things in my blog now, so she won't get upset. I have still to hear if she wants to continue our therapy with another therapist. I gave her a choice of 4 and where they were located, but she has never answered. I guess I have to email her again and ask.

I hope she reads the blog about the best gift I received, in which I wrote about the square foot of land she bought for me in Ireland. That would (or should) made her happy, I would hope.

I hope to take the girls out to dinner today and tell them about the Imagine Peace 2011 Day that I spent yesterday at S-C-U school district. It was a great day. Barbie is so enthusiastic and good with kids and the kids were great and asked really intelligent questions. I thought It was a really great day although I was really tired at the end of the day, because I'm fasting to help get the federal budget passed. Fasting is one of the ways that we petition the Creator to hear our prayers. I hope that enough other people are doing it too so that we have some effect.

I wish the girls would get involved in a club that wanted to bring about change in the world besides just Pep Squad. But maybe when they are a little more mature, they will get into something like that. Of course, Sabrina never did, nor did her father or any of his family. They are all so different from me in the way they look at life. It is so foreign to me how they are totally unconcerned with world events. The only thing that seems to matter if what is happening right now in their lives. It's not a mature outlook on life, and I wish there were so way I could influence them to see things differently.

At least I have this blog that I write in and no one but me can see it. I need an outlet to talk about what it going on in my life, the good and the bad. Speaking of good, I was Dave's 10,000 comment. Go figure. What an honor. He is such a great and prolific blogger. I love his blogs, especially when he uses poetry. I also really like reading other people's blogs. They are all so interesting. It's nice to have blogging buddies.

I need to get to the pharmacies today to get my prescriptions and postcards for that project "postcrossings." I sent out one postcard yesterday and need to get more. I had more but have no idea where they are. I should go early while the traffic is not bad. Maybe I'll do that after I finish these comments on this blog.

I need to do some more Nana's stories and and write in the blogs for Jackie and Cassie. I wanted to have a separate blog for each girl that would be theirs alone. The can print it out into a book if they want, Most of the blog sites are doing that now. I could do that with "Nana's Stories" too, I guess.I would hope that I could publish that as a book for publication, but it might be too personal. Or not. Who knows.

I wish I had better sense as to what will set Sabrina off. It's like I have to walk on egg shells around her, she gets so upset at so many things. I really don't do things to intentionally set her off. Lord knows there are enough things I could do to do that without even thinking too hard about it. It's the things I do to set her off that I never think about. It does become quite tiresome.

Grandma's Back

It seems that every time I am going crisis or some sort of upset, Grandma shows up in my dreams. She did two nights ago, the night before last. She comforts me in my dreams because I am always upset about something in the dream. I don't remember what I was upset about, but she was there to console and comfort me.

This was even before I read Sabrina's response to my blog about being "on-fire" and her other responses to various blogs. Grandma must have known that I would need her and remembering that dream kept me from getting too upset with Sabrina's comments. I don't understand Sabrina's anger and what I've done wrong. Yes, I kept the car longer than expected but if she had told me she needed the car back NOW I would have called my claim agent and gotten a rental car with no problem. But she just complained that she needed the car, but didn't tell me it was a crisis. Then she was upset because there was dog hair in the car, which I would have cleaned out if I had had time. Then she was upset (I guess) because I mentioned my "on-fire" incident which was the dog bite incident, and the other time was her snub at Christmas.

I just feel sad at this point. I know that there is nothing I can do about her being upset and angry. She hasn't responded to my suggestions of a new psyotherapist. Maybe she just doesn't want to go and her method of dealing with it is just to ignore it. And right now she is ignoring me and everything I say, so I had best not say anything and stay out of her way. I feel sad and bad about it all but there is nothing I can do or say. The worst part is staying away from the girls. She says that my hijab embarrasses them. I don't believe it but I can't say it. I've asked them if it embarrassed them and they said no, so someone is not telling the truth. 

I guess I just have to follow John's advice and stay away from her and realize that I am really on my own, just as if i were living somewhere else. I am alone in this city just as if I were living in Seattle or Chicago or New York. I feel so sad and depressed. I don't know what to do about it. I have no friends here so it is like living somewhere else.

I'm glad Grandma came to me in my dream and was telling me that she is with me and comforts me. I just wish she were really here with me. I miss her so much.

So Far Apart

I feel so far apart from Sabrina. She seems so angry and doesn't want to talk to me. She texts me about picking up the girls for appointments and sometimes we have brunch together and we go to get our nails done and she let me use her car for 3 weeks while my car was being repaired from the accident. But she avoids being alone with me and talking with me.She seems like she'll try to see another therapist. She thinks John is too slow and we don't accomplish anything. In a way I agree with her. The dog thing just got dropped because she didn't want to deal with it. Same with the Christmas debacle. Our problems don't get resolved. Why won't she talk to me? I really try to be very careful about what I say to her as to not set her off. I tried to be kind and grateful to Clint when he took me to get my car. I make suggestions to do things together but she often brings the girls and Clint along. We never talk, really. It's such an upsetting situation for me. She's my only child and doesn't want to be with me at all. It is a rejection that is difficult to take.I guess I'll have to get a referral to another therapist for the two of us from John today, That's awkward. I like John and he's helped me a lot. I will still see him alone. Maybe it's better to have a different therapist. I'm willing to try, anyway.

Can't sleep

It is almost 3 o'clock in the morning. I have been up since 1 o'clock. My IBS is bad so I keep running to the bathroom. The puppies are sleeping--sort of. I don't know why my IBS is so bad again. I've played games and read the CASA newsletter. I have to come up with a topic for my research paper this week. I want to do something about abused/neglected children and mental health. Maybe: do the majority of abused/neglected children need psychological help? Or do abused / neglected children live in families where there is domestic abuse or drug use? I also have to look up a current crime and try to put myself in the offender's shoes. And I have all that reading to do. Guess I could do something now since I can't sleep.

Vivid Dreams

I've been having some very vivid dreams lately and I haven't even been eating dinner late. I wonder what is causing them. I know one was a work-related dream because Tish Denny was in it. One was something about a vacation. I wonder why I have so many work-related dreams. I may not have come to grips with the reality that I was asked to go on medical leave and leave my job forever, when I felt I was doing the best I could do. Yes, I was slower than I usually am, but my work was still high quality. I know it was Karen who wanted me to go, but thank God Tish and John found a way to let me leave gracefully. Maybe I need a vacation or want to go on a vacation; that could be where the vacation dream came from. Who can say?

A Baby Dream

I just oke up from a starnage dream about someone having a baby. I don't know who was having the baby; it was not I. The baby was 3 weeks overdue (just like Sabrina was) and the last four babies who had been born previously were boys, so I was sure that the baby would be a girl.

We were working in teams of 4 to make baby clothes. We had to use a particular mall, but there was a store in another mall that had the things we needed, too. We had some squabbles over the clothes--the fabric was the biggest issue, We argued about what fabric to use and what someone brought back fabric that was not what we had in mind.

This dream occurred between 4 a.m. and 5:45 a.m. I remember waking up around 4 a.m. and then slept until 5:45 a.m. so the dream occurred between those times.

Work Dream

I was back working at the State Education Department in New York, but people from Harcourt were there, too. I was supervising people writing items. But something went wrong and some of the items were burned up. There was a dog with a kitty litter scoop who was in the fireplace with the burned items. I was so embarrassed that I had messed up. Then we were on a bus to buy groceries and there was a disagreement on what to buy. I ended up getting what I wanted but knew I would face the wrath of someone who didn't approve.
Then we were at the airport on our way to Buffalo or Chicago. A woman from Harcourt was there traveling with us (I don't remember her name) and a man, too, although I don't remember who he was. He checked in and left for the flight very quickly while the woman was taking a long time to cjeck in. I pushed my luggage cart into the rack of carts that said "To Buffalo."
I know there was more to the dream but can't recall it. I remembered the most because I had the dream just before I woke up at 5:45 a.m.

Univesristy Dream

I had such a vivid dream about university and lectures last night. Coe Dexter (now deceased) was in it and people I don't know.

I had ridden in a car to the university (a big old one like Yale, not Niagara or Buffalo), and we parked in lot 7 which was nearest to where he and another man were lecturing. I walked to room 22 where I am assigned. I was a student. The lecture was fine; the lecturers good. There were several gay men in my class and I immediately liked them and we became friends. The other students were fun, too, especially two older women (in their 70s).  My dog Lars was there waiting for me, being a good dog. He was much larger than he was is real life. There were small children in my class, too. Somehow, they were associated with the older ladies. We went out on some sort of a field trip on a bus. After we can back, the power went out and the lectures were shut down.

I went to find room 7 and find Coe because my purse which was in that room. Coe and the other man were still lecturing, but my purse was gone. Someone had taken it. It was checked in but it was gone. It had Winnie the Pooh on it and was royal blue. I was very upset since it contained EVERYTHING in it. I had a purse but that carried my books in it. I remember kissing Coe and telling him he was like my little brother; in the dream, he was gay (not so in real life, but his best friend was). We were walking to the car and going to report the missing purse the next day since everything was closed. That's when I woke up.

This dream occurred sometime between 4:30 a.m. and 7:15 a.m. I have not slept that late in a LONG time.It was just before sunrise when I awoke. I knew it was late but was shocked to see how late it was.

Anxiety

I had a lot of dreams last night but I don't remember most of them. There was one about work. Even though I haven't worked in nearly 6 years, I continue to have dreams about work. I feel rather anxious today. I have a lot to do--bank, P.O., Buddha Box, Sprint, Home Deport, CVS--and Juma', and having a lot to do always makes me nervous. I hate going out but know that I have to. If I go to Juma' then I can do all my errands at one time. Then I don't have to go out but one time. But I could put off the phone until Monday and the P.O., but I have to do the others today, though I could put off CVS, I guess..

I'm glad Brenda isn't coming until tomorrow. I would not have been able to get out to the bank in time last night. But maybe if I go out early to do the errands, They will be mostly done and I won't be so tired doing them all after Juma'. I need to take a shower, I think, and maybe I'll take some klonopin so my anxiety won't be so bad. I don't know why I get so anxious about going out. It's a neurotic thing again, I guess. I haven't done much reading in a while and that bothers me. I have been awfully anxious lately and I don't know why. I see Dr. S in 2 weeks and will have to talk to her about it. I still have suicidal thoughts, but they are not nearly as bad as they were a couple weeks ago, at the New Year.

I wonder if Sabrina will actually come over to help me put the bin together, or it will be like everything else. She says yes but never helps. I think that is the story of my life. The few things I have asked her to do she seems to resent and things don't ever get done. Or she criticizes me for asking her. I should have thought ahead, or known how busy she is. I don't feel that she will be there is I really need her. That makes me very sad. I would have wished that we would be closer but we aren't. We are so different and she intimidates me when she yells (which is a lot). She doesn't call to see how I am. We go for weeks without speaking and we only live 3 miles away from each other. It just makes me so sad and feel like I've done something wrong.

And why should she decide that I wouldn't be able to do the domestic violence assistance that she did at the police stations? That should be my decision, not hers. I know she won't look for the materials; she's probably thrown them out. And there goes another volunteer opportunity, I have a volunteer sheet from the Justice Center that I can send it if I need to.


I wish we could wrap up this application business and start school. It's a little more than a month away. I am really glad that I didn't get caught up in the University of the Rockie. They didn't require much in the way of references or experience or education. They just wanted to enroll you and get the money. There was just something not right about it.

I hope things go well with The Chicago School, which I really want to go to. It was rigorous requirements and I think is the best school. Argosy is my second choice, and then Walden. I guess I could have gone to school here in San Antonio, but it's hard for me to get myself out. And no school offers the Forensic Psychology degree or certificate. Who knows what will come of it, if I will ever use it for pay. I would only work part-time anyway, if I were to work.

Come on, klonopin, do your work so I won't be so anxious.

I have so much I would like to do today, but my migraine is bothering me. I want to go to Qi Gong, but I have to get things together in 15 minutes, which I doubt very much will happen.

I have been pleased with the few things I have cleaned out in the house. It is so nice to not see those boxes all piled up and also the garage at least looks a little better. Brenda doesn't come cheap, but I will be happy if I can find things and live in a clean house.

Brenda will come on Saturday morning and we will work for 2 hours. It isn't a long time, but it is long enough for me, since I tend to get so tired and my back hurts me when I work so much on cleaning. I want to try to move the desk downstairs (I forgot to have the maids help me; maybe I can do it alone.). I really think I will be feeling better if the place I'm living in is clean and neat. I am committed to keeping things clean and having a maid come to do cleaning every two weeks. That should keep the house looking livable.

Maybe in a away, it was good that the house was such a mess when it was before Christmas because it scared off Abudhhar, since is really a good think. I like him a lot, but he is not for me for a number of reasons, as we all know. Friends is all we can be. He has to look elsewhere for a new wife.

I've written a lot today, for my morning pages. Maybe now I can write my Nana's Stories or work on my book.

A BUSY DAY

Today is shaping up to be a busy day. I have Qi Gong (I will NOT miss it!), then CASA has an open house at 1 p.m., then errands to CVS, Sprint to replace that cord, and I HAVE to egt to Home Dept at some point. 

It was so good of John to fill in my reference for Argosy. I have to lot at my 2009 tax return and see if they will give me any financial aid for school. I have had to do quite a writing for The Chicago School and I haven't heard much from Walden in a while. I have decided that The Chicago School would be a good option, Argosy second, and then Walden. I just have to get my references for TCS and Argosy. I am anxious to start both CASA training and my classes. I need to do something productive. 

I think the SAMe is working on my depression. I have a lot of appointments on my calendar. Now if I can just get off my butt and do the things. I lack motivation and I'm just lazy being it the house. I need some major motivation to do things. It's just so much easier to lie around and do nothing.

I'm counting this blog as my morning pages. So I shouldn't be so concerned about spelling or grammar. I just need to clear my mind and maybe I will be able to start writing again. Or else the books will never be written. I love writing; I just wished I could type better. One would think that having taken 2 typing courses, I would be able to type reasonably well, but I don't. I make a lot of mistakes.


I just had a thought for Nan's stories, the story of the trip to Italy and NYC and losing my best friend. It is becoming a memoir/autobiography, and not just stories about my childhood. It would be good to blog about some of the things I've on through these past year.


Better get writing.

Internet Fiascos, Housecleaning, and IBS

Yesterday was quite a day, jam-packed with activities and problems. I had the technician here 3 times from Time Warner, from 9 a.m. to 7:30 p.m.; and spoke to at least 10 different people on the phone about this ridiculous Internet problem. I know I have a Mac but they should be able to deal with Macs and not just say,"Oh, it must be a problem with the computer." Thank God for the technician who finally came by at 7:30 p.m. and fixed the problem within minutes and also hooked up my HP (which is still sort of dead) to the Internet with the wire. The techs were both pretty certain that after the motherboard was fried, the Internet would never hook up wireless again. I can live with that. I'm just so glad this problem is fixed.

I started doing my assignments from Brenda. I packed up the purple ladies, and called Medina Children's Home (they were closed until Monday), and I have to clean out the bathroom so we can store things in there. I can or should start cleaning out my closet Monday or maybe today and take a bag at a time to Good Will of my clothes and shoes. I will call the cleaners to come to take away the bags in the garage and the boxes in the living room. I will promise to have them come back and clean when the house when is cleanable. At least I felt good packing up the purple ladies and I'll do the unicorns today, and sell the nativity sets on EBay of pack them up for the girls to save for their homes. I hate that I spent so much money on the nativity sets and not won't use them. I will ask Sabrina is she wants the china and crystal or silver pieces. I can't give away my silver tea set; it is from my grandmother and my pewter plate from Aunt Elsie. The others I will sell on EBay or give to Good Will if Sabrina doesn't want them.

I have to go to Home Depot this week and get supplies that Brenda wrote down. I can put them in the downstairs bathroom to store them until we use them. Maybe I can get a bag or two of clothes cleaned out of the closet this week too. Thing is, I start my OASIS classes this week and I know I'll be tired, but I really want to get this done. I really want a nice, clean house that I will be happy to come home to.

The other problem that is a real problem for me right now and if it isn't gone by tonight, I will have to call Dr. Kadakia, My IBS is out of control. I wake up in a puddle of poop every night in the middle of the night. Last night I wore two Depends and it still leaked through everything. My skin is raw from it and I am just so upset and embarrass by it. Nothing seems to stop it. Not immodium nor kaopectate. Nothing. It can't go on. I don't want to have to start back on Asacol. That is so hard on my kidneys. But I have to call the Dr. on Monday and let him know that it is back with a vengeance. 

The alarm sounded for prayers, so I'd better go say them and do my meditation. The best way to start the day.

The Sleepiest Dog in the World

It's almost 9:30 a,m, and Ernie is still in bed, Maybe his bath and grooming wore him out yesterday. He didn't even get up for prayers. I went up about 45 minutes ago to turn up the heat because it's so cold out and get my slipper socks, and he is still lying in the bed, sound asleep.

I feel somewhat anxious this morning. My diarrhea is at least improving a little bit, It's been going on all week. I haven't taken my blood pressure today. It was okay yesterday but high on Wednesday and Monday. I'm glad I got my own monitor ans also glad I found my extra meds so I can take them morning and night the way I'm supposed to. Maybe that will keep it down.

Buddha Box called yesterday and my jewelry is in, so I will have to stop over after Juma' this afternoon and pick it up. I'm a little nervous about getting it. A nose ring is bigger than just a stud. Most obvious.

I am really glad that I had the sense not just to enter my credit card information in that application to the University of the Rockies last night. It was kind of like a high pressure sales pitch. I don't wan to be stuck paying for classes I don't want. And the more I thought about it, the more I decided I don't want to go there. There's just something not right about it. I don't quite know what, but it's not right for me. I think Walden is the right one; it's the one I get the best feeling about. So I will go with that and try to apply for a scholarship or grant. Maybe I'll get it; who knows?

I better go take some klonopin to try to calm down. I am really nervous about Brenda coming tomorrow to assess my mess for a house. She certainly has 10 hours of work to do. But I know that I will feel better if the place is clean and this is her job. It's what she does. I shouldn't feel embarrassed. It is what it is. Then I can get the cleaners in to fix the place up. Finally. And maybe I will even be able to unpacked the things in the garage and find my photos and have them scanned so I can use them in the genealogy pages. That's a goal to work for.

Well, I'd better go take my meds and hope I feel better. More calm. It was weird again last night. When I texted Sabrina that Brenda was coming over on Saturday, she thought we were going to the movies then. But last week she said Saturday; no, Sunday. So I was planning on Sunday. So I guess we're going on Sunday. I don't think Clint likes her to be out without him on the weekends.

Another Dream Last Night

I had a dream that I remembered last night. It was about having assignments that were due. I was busy completing them, when along came Doug. He wanted me to help him with one assignment, to sort of cheat by helping him. I told him no, but he kept pestering me. I wouldn't do it. Maybe it came from the web seminar last night. I really don't know.

I took Ernie to be groomed today. He looks good and I'm sure he feels better too.

The organizer lady called a while ago. She will be coming on Saturday for a consultation and we may start some work then too. I'm so glad she is coming and we will start to get this mess cleaned up.

Well, now I have applied to two schools for my Masters. The woman from the University of the Rockies is calling later this afternoon. I'll find out about them, but they don't have that good a reputation. I haven't heard from the Chicago School yet.